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Murder, we wrote

In the last couple of days, even if the Pakistan army had infiltrated into India, right up to Connaught Place, New Delhi or if Usain Bolt had been roped in by a Tamil film producer to be the guest of honour for an audio launch or if Parliament had reconvened and went about its business without any hitch, you would not have had a clue about them from the various sections of the Indian media. We (the media) had no time for these small matters as we were fully immersed in giving you the most inside of info and up-close details on the most staggering event that has hit the nation since Rajiv Gandhi’s assassination: The Indrani Mukherjea case.

The coverage of the latest sensational murder mystery has been so comprehensive that we now know everything about it, except the part that is shady — that is to say all parts of it.

Here is what happened across English news channels:

(A general disclaimer before we get going: As a humour column we have indulged in a lot of exaggeration here, which though falls short of what the news channels actually pulled off over the last few days).

Anchor: We are now joined by our senior correspondent Ankhit from Guwahati, our Mumbai bureau chief Pooja Vasvani will get us details from the police headquarters by basically standing outside it and of course by Suhel Seth, who has not left the studios, including to bathroom, ever since the case broke out in public domain. We will also be joined later in the show by various other experts, who are right now talking in other channels, for an exclusive insight into the case. Ankhit, let me first come to you, what is the latest you have from Guwahati?

Ankhit: Neena (Anchor’s name), we may have an important twist on our hands in the case. Police sources confirm to us that they are likely to question Mikhail Bora, Indrani’s son, as to whether he knows to speak Russian?

Anchor: Russian? Now, where does this come from?

Ankhit: Yes, Neena, police feel that Mikhail being such a Russian name, they want to ascertain whether he speaks that language too?

Anchor: But what has that got to do with this case?

Ankhit: Perhaps as much connection as the random guys we call as experts to speak in our studios have with this case. But if Mikhail, despite having such a hard core Russian name, didn’t know how to speak the language, it raises the very pertinent question as to why would Indrani give her son such a misleading name? As we speak, a police team, if need be, is ready to fly to Moscow, and from there to Tashkent, just in case, to make further investigations.

Anchor: Hold that info for a minute, Ankhit, we have on the line Pooja, our Mumbai bureau chief, who has some breaking news. Yes, go ahead, Pooja.

Pooja: (In a voice and emotion that is possible only if one’s posterior is on full-blown fire) Neena, even as we speak, police sources have revealed to us that they are investigating whether Indrani could have been Sheena’s aunt.

Anchor: Aunt? Sister, mother and now this. This is getting bizarre by the minute. But if this is true, this will change the entire complexion of the case.

Pooja: Yes, police sources say that as Sheena and Rahul were seeing each other and were keen to marry, Indrani, who is the step-mother of Rahul might have ended up as step mother-in-law, aunt in general terms, to Sheena. Now why did she hide this fact from the rest of the family is what the police are investigating. Meanwhile, we have also learnt that the Mumbai police are arranging for a DNA test on Indrani to establish that she is Indrani.

Anchor: That is an important development, Pooja. Yes, before Indrani’s relationship with Sheena can be ascertained, police need to figure out who Indrani is and whether she is the Indrani that she is claiming to be. And going by the twists in this case so far, this might be the most challenging part for the men in khaki. But let us get a quick word from Suhel, and we advise viewers that they need not adjust their TV sets or DTH and it is Suhel Seth’s natural hairstyle only.

Suhel: Allow me to point out that in the whole matter the most perplexing figure for me is Peter Mukherjea. Let us accept it, Mukherjea is a very intriguing spelling for Mukherjee.

Anchor: As ever trust Suhel to bring in that unique perspective that has no connection with any case, not just this. Meanwhile, media person Tavleen Singh joins us to give her view, which, thanks to her long years in mainline journalism, would be equally irresponsible, if not downright stupid.

(Clang, cling, bang …sound of TV screens being smashed to smithereens in many households)