Crank News: Mazhar Majeed to be the chief coach of Pakistan

Salim Malik takes over as the Betting Coach

London: In a swift but entirely predictable turn of events, the Pakistan Cricket Board today appointed the bookie in the centre of spot-fixing storm, Mazhar Majeed, as the team’s head coach cum manager.

Mazhar Majeed, who is out on bail in the scandal after he was caught on tape (in a sting operation) accepting money to fix matches, replaces Waqar Younis who was the official coach till now.

‘The whole world knows he is a past-master in fixing things up. Pakistan cricket needs him the most now?’ a PCB spokesperson said. He, however, clarified that the position of Waqar Younis as a former Pakistan cricket player will not be taken over by Mazhar Majeed.

Spelling out the rationale behind the decision to appoint Mazhar Majeed, the PCB spokesperson said he (Mazhar) had all the requisite skills to handle a Pakistan team. ‘He enjoys the complete faith of the players, which is something you could not have said for other coaches who have tried to manage the team in the recent past. He shares a very good rapport with the captain of the day, Salman Butt. Young players like Mohd Amir too hold on to his words with utter sincerity. Even a temperamental guy like Mohd Asif understands that there is a price to pay if he oversteps.’

In short, Mazhar Majeed is what the doctor ordered for Pakistan cricket, the spokesperson said, almost sounding like Ravi Shastri for a second.

Mazhar Majeed, for his part, said his brief is simple: ‘You bet, I will be spot on. I am the one to make the players bettor.’

Meanwhile, the PCB spokesperson also revealed that as part of infusing fresh blood into the team, the Pakistan board has simultaneously appointed Intikab Alam as the assistant coach of the team. ‘He has served as the team’s coach twice before. So considering that rich experience we thought he is the right man to be the assistant coach.’

To a specific query, as to what exactly is the role of the assistant coach in the team, the spokesperson said Mazhar Majeed would take care of all the private and closed-door sessions of the team. ‘Intikab’s primary job will be to sit in the visible part of the dressing room with a laptop in front of him, looking suitably concerned, while the TV cameras focus on him when the team does badly on the field.’

Intikab Alam, who always hangs around the team dressing room doors fully aware that the Pakistan cricket is never far away from sacking him and then reappointing him almost on a hourly basis, said he would perform his role with utter seriousness even if the tour does not go ahead.

In a related development, the Pakistan cricket board revealed that it was planning a proactive Future Vision plan to help players, especially the young lads, to combat the new challenges that confront them these days.

‘It’s tough out there. The pressures on the callow, impressionable players are enormous. As the Board, it’s our responsibility to provide them with proper guidance,’ the spokesperson said and added that keeping this in mind the PCB, in a pioneering concept, has come up with the position of ‘Betting Coach’.

‘The Betting Coach will offer invaluable guidance to young players so that they are not short-changed by greedy forces out there. The Betting Coach will give plenty of tips, in more ways than one, in this regard. ’

Reflecting its sincerity in the whole matter, the PCB also named the person who will be the first Betting Coach in the world. ‘It’s Salim Malik,’ the PCB said. ‘Arguably there’s none better than him in matters of bet.’

The PCB clarified that the ban clamped on Salim Malik several years ago was no longer valid as the Pakistan sports ministry in a recent communiqué had banned all the bans both in the future and in the past.

Elsewhere, Sarfraz Nawaz, the temperamental former Pakistan pace ace, launched a blistering broadside at the PCB for appointing him as the chief selector.

Sarfraz Nawaz, who took over as the chief selector of the team yesterday, today said the PCB must have been completely out of its mind to have made him the chief selector. He added: ‘Just because I am the chief selector, the PCB cannot expect me to give up my full-time profession, which is to criticise the PCB and the composition of the Pakistan team’.

Meanwhile, former Pakistan wicket-keeper Rashid Latif today made available to the media the letter that he had written to the ICC in the 1990s itself indicating that fixing runs rampant in Pakistan cricket. ‘You need to fix an appointment even to meet the PCB chief. This shows how the rot runs deep,’ Latif explained his rationale.

In a late night development, Pakistan cricket bosses announced that their team would boycott the Commonwealth Games in New Delhi in protest against Pakistan cricket team not being included in the fixtures. ‘We know cricket is not part of the Games. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t been invited. If we had been invited, we would have turned up, not play any cricket, and then leave, like New Zealand always does whenever it tours Pakistan ’ the PCB said in a press release.

(Disclaimer: This is spoof news. But you never know with Pakistan cricket)

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Previous Crank News

Earlier Crank News

Review of Endhiran movie leaked on the internet

By Our Film Correspondent and Headmaster

Kodambakkam: In a sensational development that has come as a major setback to the cast and crew of the under-production Endhiran, the film’s full-fledged review has been leaked on the internet.

This is the fourth major leak concerning the film, which is in the making for now over 18 months, roughly 16 of which has been spent travelling by the cast and crew.

Earlier, this month, the blank white paper on which the film’s posters were set to be printed sensationally made it to the world wide web. Many blogs and independent news sites went to town featuring the blank white paper in brilliant colours (see photo), dealing a major blow to the Endhiran unit that was canning a dream sequence (which will feature only in the promotional photo stills of the movie) at Reykjavik (Iceland)

As if this development wasn’t enough, just a fortnight ago, in another setback to the Endhiran team, which was shooting in El Salvador at that time, the CDs on which the movie’s songs were to be recorded surreptitiously made it to the internet again.

Those responsible for the disturbing leaks basked under the unholy fame as the blank CDs on which the songs were to be recorded proved to be a major hit among the fans of Rajnikanth and A R Rahman.

If anything, the blank CDs have had more takers than for the songs that were released officially a few days ago in Malaysia. But film hands say that since Rahman’s music takes time to grow on you, the verdict on the film’s songs have to wait. In all likelihood the fate of Endhiran’s songs will be known by 2050 (“Ella Pughazhum Calendarukke”).

And just last week, in one more blow to the team, another leak happened. But this didn’t quite make it to the internet due to the fact that the leak pertained to a sewer line at the toilet of the hotel where the production unit was staying in Constantinople (Shankar had hired a time machine to travel to this place).

Anyway, reeling under such relentless leaks, the Endhiran team seems to be aghast over the scooped up review of the film. According to sources close to Shankar’s close sources, the well-known director has, however, chosen to remain quiet. But industry hands indicated that it’s quite possible that Shankar’s reaction to the leaks on his film may soon be leaked on the internet.

Shankar, an intensely private man, is ultra-secretive about his movies and doesn’t like any of the details spilling out. It may be recalled that the story of his last movie Sivaji, despite it being released three years ago, still remains unrevealed to anyone.

Rajnikanth, the film’s hero, was also not available for comment, triggering speculation among the usually speculative sections in Tamilnadu that the ‘Superstar’ might be contemplating to take a plunge into politics. Cho Ramaswami, the ace political commentator, said he was not sure whether Rajni was sure of being a sure success in politics, which in itself is not so sure in Tamilnadu.  Endhiran, it is also said, has many innocuous dialogues that will be deemed politically sensitive by the the public in Tamil Nadu, because they are not sensitive to anything else.

Endhiran features Rajnikanth in a dual role, including one as the eponymous Robot and the other as a scientist, so that there is no need for separate comedy sequences as the audiences will be already in splits hearing Rajni mouthing, in English, quaint scientific terms. Aishwarya Rai plays a weighty role, in that her make-up and costumes weigh around 133.3 kilos.

In a related development, the Tamilnadu Nadigar Sangam, the apex body of actors and actresses in Kollywood, went into an emergency meeting to eat samosas and biscuits and if possible discuss the latest developments.

Emerging out of the meeting, actor Sarath Kumar who heads the association, said that there was a huge demand from the honchos of the Tamil film industry to totally ban the internet and computers.

But Sarath said the solution to the whole problem could be to make movies that would not interest anyone on the internet. Sarath should know what he was speaking, because he had endured the mortification of seeing an entire film of his being totally leaked on the internet. And officially, let the record show, there was not even a single download of it.

Meanwhile, there is considerable debate over the actual contents of the review. ‘Paisa Vasool,’ said the review, scooped out of a popular film and general news site (sounds iffy). The review, which runs to around 800 words, gives in detail many adjectives praising Rajnikanth. The reviewer also astutely points out that the second half is lengthy and needs trimming. ‘Mass Entertainer’ is the reviewer’s brilliant verdict.

Elsewhere, the news site, from which the leak has happened, played down the developments and said it was not to blame. It, however, confirmed that the leaked review of Endhiran was indeed one filed by its official film critic

Asked how a still-under-production movie could be reviewed, the spokesperson of the news site pointed that this was the specialty of its famed film critic, who files his reviews minutes after the movie’s muhurat is announced.

The spokesperson also said the review of Kamal Haasan’s Manmatha Ambu is also ready (for anyone interested in leaking it). For the record, the review reads: ‘Made for Kamal fans’.

(Disclaimer: News appearing in this column are extremely distorted for what we believe as humour. If you find it funny, it’s fine by us. If you find it offensive, it’s still fine by us. Oops, we meant, sorry.)

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Previous Crank News

Indo-Pak talks derailed over ‘Wigileaks’

New Delhi/Islamabad/AnyOtherCapitalCity: Pakistan today declared that it was pulling out of the ambassador-level talks that were to be held on the sidelines of the secretary level discussions with India, which were a prelude to the Ministerial level confabulations that were naturally a prequel to the Prime Ministerial-level summit that was expected to provide a major diplomatic breakthrough in the form of a State-sponsored official banquet.

According to highly-placed sources, the provocation for Islamabad’s extreme decision to call of the talks was the sensational Wikileaks, in which it has emerged, among other things, the US was fighting the Taliban, with the help of Pakistan, which was aiding the US by arming the Taliban to combat the US.

It also emerged from the Wikileaks that the US’s Afghanistan policy primarily consisted of bombing many parts of Pakistan. On the other hand, Islamabad’s Afghanistan policy naturally involved training crack jehadist commandos to trigger terror acts in India, while India’s studied response to the attacks was, well, we don’t know as it falls under the Official Secrets Act.

Anyway, it’s Pakistan’s contention now that the Wikileaks were the handiwork of India, and a feisty Pakistan Foreign Minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi drew attention to India’s Home Secretary G K Pillai’s specific remarks that  ‘Wigileaks’ confirm ISI’s presence in Pakistan.

Qureshi pointed out, not unreasonably, Pillai’s reference to ‘Wigileaks’, makes it difficult for Pakistan to continue its participation in the talk process. Qureshi’s implicit suggestion was that Pillai was alluding to a leak from a man with a wig. ‘In the world of external affairs there is no bigwig with a wig bigger than S M Krishna’s,’ Qureshi said and added that the comb of suspicion over the leaks points to the India’s Foreign Minister. ‘Our suspicions are raised. So are our hackles,’ he added, trying a silly pun with ‘hackles’ to go with the wig reference.

Meanwhile, a major consternation and confusion broke out in the corridors of the South Block owing to Pakistan’s cancellation of talks, leading to the cancellation of official dinner.

The boffins at the Foreign Affairs Ministry were also confounded as to what this ‘Wigileaks’, as opposed to the Wikileaks, were, and whether Pillai was indeed talking of Krishna in the whole matter.

Later, emerging out of a high-level meeting, as it was held at the 27th floor of a building, India’s External Affairs Secretary Nirupama Rao diplomatically played down the matter by talking about the weather.

Elsewhere, reporters managed to corner G K Pillai and sought his clarification on ‘Wigileaks’. Pillai, an IAS officer from the Kerala batch, pooh-poohed the idea that he had scuttled the Indo-Pak dinner with his remarks on ‘Wigileaks’. ‘The whole world is talking of Wigileaks, why single out me?’ Pillai asked.

It was when he said ‘Wigileaks’, it dawned on everyone that he was actually talking of Wikileaks but pronouncing it ‘Wigileaks’. In other words, Pillai was being a true Mallu, overstressing the consonants and giving them an unnatural guttural sound. ‘It’s a “simble” case of making a molehill out of a mountain,’ Pillai said, further underscoring his inescapable Malluness.

Universally, English alphabet consists of 26 letters. In Kerala, it’s only 23 letters though with there being no difference between K and G, and P and B, a D and T, for the Mallus. The thing worse than having a foot in the mouth is have a heavier Mallu tongue in the mouth.

Meanwhile, when reports last came in, Pakistan did not appreciate or understand this position. But the Gulf countries did. ‘It’s a diblomatic victory for us,’ said Nirupama Rao, who needless say was a Keralite by birth.

(Disclaimer: News appearing in this column are extremely distorted for what we believe as humour. If you find it funny, it’s fine by us. If you find it offensive, it’s still fine by us. Oops, we meant, sorry.)

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(Previous Crank News)

Commonwealth Games: Authorities forget to place orders for medals

Those making a living out of thinking up jokes and humour are in for some hard times. For, whatever the fun these professionals may try to whip up, it’s going to be no patch on the absolute amusement and the thigh-slapping comic moments the ensuing Commonwealth Games in New Delhi and their preparations are set to produce.

When you talk of Commonwealth Games you have to talk of Suresh Kalmadi. And I can already imagine you getting ready to get all cracked up. No job is serious or big enough for Kalmadi to botch with his absolute fecklessness. The man is a born genius with the unsurpassed ability to make things downright laughable even at a sombre funeral of an accident victim. Kalmadi has been the nation’s one-man stand-up comedian for well over two decades. If I were the President, I will straightaway create a Param Vir Chakra for Comedy and award him every month.

As I was saying, the Commonwealth Games will ensure that your daily news itself will be excruciatingly hilarious. So the only way, we, humourists can hope to survive is to perspicaciously figure out what are the things that will make the headlines once the Games begin.

So, here is the first of the many offerings I hope to make under Crank News — Commonwealth Games.

(And just a few lines of clarification: I don’t think making fun of Commonwealth Games is an anti-national thing. On the other hand, if we are going to take it seriously then it means that we take Kalmadi, too, seriously. In my book, that’s a crime, and the only adequate punishment would be a sentence to watch Wushu or lawn bowling telecast live on DD Lok Sabha.

At any rate, whatever be the spoof on the commonwealth Games, the reality is going to be, tragically, far funnier.)

Games authorities forget the medals

By Our Intern Who Is Anyway Not Interested In Journalism

New Delhi: The Commonwealth Games, which has been on for the last few days in the nation’s capital, today found itself in its regular unprecedented piquant situation with it being known that the authorities had forgotten to place orders for the medals that are presented to the various winners of the various events.

This fact came to light at the Talkotora Swimming pool, where the boxing events have been scheduled (The original boxing arena has been taken up as a parking lot for the VIPs).

This morning, just as the podiums were ready, and the chief guests, numbering 108 all lined up, the escort girls walked in with their usual silly smiles and the ceremonial plates. As it happened, there were no medals on them.

Initially, there was a huge panic in the stadium. But this was due to the fact the welcome garlands for the chief guests had not arrived and some of them had already started giving scathing ‘bytes’ to the televisions channels, which needless to say where helpfully loitering around in the knowledge that something will go wrong.

One of chief guests, in a fit of righteous indignation that is inevitable when one is denied a free flower garland, angrily mouthed into a TV mike: ‘It’s a national shame. It’s a monumental humiliation. No phool because they think we are fools’.

As the mob of chief guests became more irate, and their language ridiculously purple, the authorities in a splendid spark of ad-hoc creativity, decided to mollify them by presenting the medals meant for the sportspersons.

‘We request the chief guests to remain patient. We request the TV channel personnel to allow the guests to remain patient. As the garlands have not arrived, we have decided to welcome the guests with the medals,’ announced an official on the public address system.

Girls, bring the medals, ordered another official But the girls just stood there and continued to smile. The medals were nowhere.

Even then nothing seemed amiss, as everyone thought that all the medals were in the coat pockets of Kalmadi. But as Kalmadi was not around — he was later traced to Switzerland — it became clear that his coat could not have made its way to the stadium on its own.

After plenty of discussions, frenzied phone calls and emergency air-dashing to Switzerland, it was found that there were no medals with the authorities.

One of them told Doordarshan (Oriya): ‘We had forgotten such a thing as medals. You can’t blame us. We in India are not used to it’.

Anyway, the Games was plunged into a huge chaos, by which we mean it was business as usual, as the chief guests tendered their resignations en masse but, in a spirit of cooperation, agreed to enjoy the official hospitality.

Meanwhile, Kalmadi, taking one of the emergency 50 luxury jetliners that the officials had purchased for the Games, arrived in Delhi and immediately, as the true impresario of the Games, checked into a five-star hotel.

Later talking to newsmen, Kalmadi, who said that he had gone to Switzerland as traffic had been diverted in Delhi due to security reasons, played down any suggestion of goof up in not placing orders for the medals.

‘It’s downright anti-national and unpatriotic to accuse us of being irresponsible,’ he said and pointed out that the ‘BCCI, as the main sporting body in the country, should be held accountable for the whole fiasco’.

Kalmadi, however, categorically assured that orders would be placed for the medals once the games were over. ‘And, to establish our sincerity and seriousness in the job, we will buy them all as gold medals’.

Kalmadi also pooh-poohed the charge that the ‘Medal Gate’ scandal had lowered India’s image in the eyes of international sporting community. ‘Where is the question of International sporting community when no country is actually participating in the Games,’ he pointed out.  ‘We are holding the games out of the moral commitment that we have given to the chief guests’.

Meanwhile, in response to the developments at the Commonwealth games, the UPA government, in an emergency meeting, decided to appoint a Group of Ministers panel to decide whether there was a need for Group of Ministers panel to take action on the Commonwealth Games authorities.

Union Sports Minister Gill has been appointed as the head of both the panels. Sources say that, to ensure fairness in his approach, Gillwill attend one panel’s meeting in blue turban and the other in green turban.

It may be recalled that the Commonwealth Games began with typical pageantry on October 3, with no country participating in it.

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Previous Crank News

Rahman’s song creates record: Fan likes it after just one listen

‘Dhoni to be axed as captain of Indian cricket team’ screamed a front-page headline in a national newspaper. The greatness of this particular bit of news is that it underlines the dint of hard labour that the writer put in carefully avoiding the involvement of any truth in it. Normally, it’s humorists’ wont to think up nonsensical stuff and peddle them up in their columns. But mainstream journalists have started outwitting them.

In this particular news item, the reporter using his imagination, I repeat only imagination, had put out an important story involving the Indian cricket team, its captain M S Dhoni and the BCCI, without actually talking to any of them. I say, this is brilliant.

In the face of such a serious challenge, humor writers have to either contemplate retirement or plumb new depths and come up with even more silly stuff.  I have chosen the latter.

Ok, here is my contribution for the week: If you don’t find it stupid enough it only means that your daily news is stupider.

Rahman’s song creates record: Fan likes it after just one listen

By Our Correspondent Who Lets You Face The Music

In an unprecedented development that has sent waves of excitement and even panic in the music industry, a fan of double Oscar-Grammy winner A R Rahman today claimed that he has started liking the music director’s new song after just one listen. ‘I played it just once, and instantly I was hooked on to it,’ said V N Prasanna, the fan in question.

Normally, music writers have this patented line that Rahman’s songs need to ‘grow on you’, as if it were some kind of nail or hair on your body. So, in general, a fan hears a typical Rahman number for at least a few thousand times before he gets a hang of it that it is actually a song. And after few more thousands hearing, he gets to figure out as to in which language the song is set in.

So, in all, Rahman’s songs, as it is played so many million times just to be understood as to what it is all about, become a huge hit irrespective of whether they are lapped up by the fans or not. But his latest number has bucked the trend with the fan, Prasanna, telling everyone that he has taken to it after hearing it just once.

The reaction to it in the music industry is one of surprise and shock. Shock because if Rahman’s numbers are understood and liked so instantly, who will play them again and again and make them hits. ‘It’s a moment of reckoning for us,’ said a spokesperson of the industry, without bothering to reveal his identity. He is deemed a spokesperson because he is a person who can speak.

A spokesperson from the film industry was much more guarded in his comments: He will not say anything without wearing his helmet and seat-belts. ‘Rahman is a genius. So too are K V Mahadevan, M S Vishvanathan, Ilayaraja, Chandrabose, S A Rajkumar and Sirpi…,’ he said, laying out all the music directors who have worked in the industry, before the reporter cut him short and asked about the Rahman number in question.

‘Rahman’s number?’, the film industry spokesperson intoned, and said ‘well, I don’t have his number as Rahman is an intensively private person and doesn’t like to share his number with anyone’.

Rahman himself was unavailable for comment as he was said to be in Belgium composing music for a Hindi movie whose director is stationed in South Africa with the producer sitting in Perth. Rahman will reportedly compose the songs in Germany and send it to New Zealand for background score and Italy for recording. The CDs will be made in Japan and Hong Kong. No doubt when you listen to a Rahman number, you kinda think that it has a well-travelled feel.

Since Rahman couldn’t be contacted, our reporter just made up his quote, which you can recall from the previous report on Rahman which itself was made up.

Maniratnam also chose to not speak on this subject as well the nuclear-proliferation treaty. But it beats the heck out of us, why we need Maniratnam’s opinion on this piece.

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Previous Crank News

Revolutionary rule to review reviewed decision

ICC says if this plan fails then RTI may have to be invoked against umpires

In a bid to ensure foolproof decision-making on cricket grounds, the ICC today unveiled a revolutionary new rule that allows the spectators to seek review of the Umpire Decision Review System in Test match cricket.

The latest change, it is expected, will not only do away with the anomalies in the existing Umpire Decision Review System and also infuse a sense of participation among the cricket-viewing public.

A spokesperson of the ICC, in a press release to all the spectators today said, the change in the existing rules has been brought about in response to the controversies surrounding the Umpire Decision Review Decision (UDRS), which has had captains tearing their hair in desperation. Somebody like Australia’s Ricky Ponting has been particularly unimpressed because he already has only a few hairs left on his rapidly-balding head.

The UDRS had also not gone down well with the umpires, especially since they felt the new technology at their hands was inconclusive and inadequate. One typical case in point was the instance of an umpire trying to use the chunky walkie-talkie (which the umpires carry to the field) but failing miserably because of the fact that the host cricket board had no funds to even pay the telecom company to activate the walkie-talkie. The cricket board in question was later revealed to be the PCB, which has been since taken over by its country’s President, who himself was later removed by the military, which is now operated by the Taliban under the aegis of Al-qaeda.

Considering all this, the ICC technical committee —- named so because there are three people in it, and technically they can be called a committee —- decided to further scrutinize the decisions that were already under scrutiny. ‘It is a revolutionary concept because the approved signal to involve the spectators and fans to Review the Umpire Decision Already Under Review is to make revolutions using the index fingers on both the hands,’ said the spokesperson for the ICC.

According to the new guidelines, if the spectators feel the decision arrived after the Umpire Decision Review System to be unsatisfactory, then they can immediately, in the general direction of where the ICC headquarters is located, make finger-signals.  A team of top officials will then closely monitor the developments and arrive at a decision that will satisfy the spectators.

The ICC spokesperson conceded that the whole process would indeed consume time. ‘But it will give another excuse for the TV stations to run more ads,’ he said with an evil glint in the eye that is inescapable from ICC staff whenever they talk of commerce. He, however, made it clear that the ICC should not be blamed if the fans found the ads boring. ‘You can’t hold us responsible for the poor quality of commercials, can you,’ said the ICC man, not unreasonably.

If this new change also doesn’t work, well then we may have to think of invoking the RTI on umpiring decisions, the ICC spokesperson said.

It is also learnt that the rule to make round-round signals towards Dubai will be in vogue only as long as the Emirates kingdom plays headquarters to the ICC. ‘Tomorrow, if the ICC moves to Burkina Faso, then the spectators have to make their signals in the general direction of where it is located. Sources in the ICC, however, countered the suggestion that in future only those with deep knowledge of geography can be cricket fans. An ICC source, on conditions of anonymity, said: ‘No need to worry. None of us here too know either geography or cricket. Otherwise would we have our headquarters in Dubai, a place that neither has any tradition of cricket nor the climate for the game?’

Meanwhile, the PCB has reacted angrily to the latest ICC rules, contending that they can’t find any fan to come to the stadiums in the first place so that reviewed decisions can be reviewed further. The ICC, for it part, played down the controversy and said that the PCB would have little to complain as there was no hope in the near future for cricket matches to be held in Pakistan.

(This part of the blog will feature spoof news, and its format, in general, will be on the lines of ‘Onion’, ‘Son of Bosey’. Nothing excitingly original, but since when humour writers have been fresh?)