Mother tongues and other tongues

K Balakumar — Sat, 02 May 2009 02:45:43 +0000

There are two ways by which a person can be deemed to have become old.
1) Physical ailments, by which one means diseases and afflictions that require consultation with experts well versed in the nuanced art of referring patients to every test that medical science has known since the caveman time.
2) Cribbing about the language that is in currency.
The second-named qualification is the unmistakable touchstone of elderliness. Just walk up to any person and casually bring up the subject of modern-day language. This will immediately prove you are not only old but also dorky enough to broach an obscure topic to total strangers at public places.
But if the person you approached lapses into an impassioned lecture about how language standards are plummeting, then you can be sure you are not only talking to an old person but can be equally certain you cannot get in two sentences edgewise for the next two hours. For, age makes people forget that the language has something called a full stop.
Anyway, in general, old people seem to be less worried about their own sons and daughters, and more concerned about the state of English. You may think this to be a stupid attitude, but if you have a son or daughter you will eventually come to the conclusion that getting worked up over language is more worthwhile and a far better practical proposition.
The quality of language in vogue in a society is inversely proportional to the age of its elders. This is what Einstein sought to explain (E = mc2, where E unquestionably stands for English and mc2 means that the language situation is bad enough to include numerals atop letters and cannot be got right in a simple word processing application) before he was laid low by a terminal case of bad hair day and hence he postulated other theories, which have ensured succession of students generation stayed away not only from language classes but also from physics lectures.
The point is, for a country that is said to have around over two thousand languages and dialects, India seems to be unduly worried about the health of English. Have you wondered why? Did this thought ever cross your mind? I am sure it would not have, because you have better things to do in life. But deep down entrenched in every Indian’s mind is the desire to speak English in a manner that can only be termed stupid, because even the Brits no longer converse like that.
So the issue is how to master English?
The best way is to start early, when I say early I mean early that is earlier than your birth. Before your birth, you start the process of learning English by acquiring a dad and mom who preferably are Brits. If in case this is not possible as you are unable to travel to Britain before your birth due to passport and visa issues, you are better off by being born into a regular Tamil family, which, all records confirm, speaks more English than that is technically possibly for the Brits and Americans put together.
The other important aspect of learning English is its grammar, which, as you can see, confuses everyone as to whether it has to be spelled grammar or does it involve an ‘e’ somewhere. Most people don’t get anywhere near grammar simply because they are not sure of its spelling in the first place.
But don’t let the fear of grammar come in your way of sounding stupid speaking an alien language that does not belong here. Shakespeare did not need grammar to pen his works. So what makes you to think that you have to use it? Just consider the following:
‘I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,
Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,
Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine.’
These are the immortal lines from Shakespeare would doubtless underscore his adroitness in not at all bringing grammar into play anywhere near his sentences. Shakespeare also does not seem to be unduly bothered by the fact that the words he employed did not belong to any language at all. This is the hallmark of any true genius. But the problem is if you were to speak or write like this, you will be branded a fumbling fool. So before embarking on this particular language trip take a detour to the local Registrar’s Office and get your name changed by a deed poll to Shakespeare.
Another impediment to language development is vocabulary. The best experts in the field suggest that knowledge to a large set of words makes it perfectly possible to make a simple sentence to sound as if it were written by Shakespeare and Einstein in conjunction. It is plain discombobulation. I could have said ‘it is plain confusion’, but since I had a fleeting acquaintance with the word ‘discombobulation’ I am compelled to discombobulate you rather than just confuse you.
One of the longest words in English language is said to be floccinoccininihilipilification, a word that can never be spelled correctly or used in a proper sentence. So if this is the fate of the most famous word in the language just imagine what it would be for lesser companions of floccinoccininihilipilification?
Another case in point is Ravi Shastri. He proves on a daily basis you need no language or vocabulary but still can earn in lakhs and lakhs. He owns a language that comprises just five sentences ‘it sped like a tracer bullet’, ‘when he hits, they stay hit’, ‘it’s all getting down to the wire’, ‘he has taken him to the cleaners’, ‘they have to take early wickets (or score early runs) to remain in the game’.
If you take out grammar and vocabulary, what’s left of the language? Well, punctuation, largely defined as random symbols that are put to use just avoid the monotony to seeing never-ending stream of words. Comma is a good example. You see them in every sentence, but how do you use them, especially when speaking? The rule of any language is: what is true for speaking is equally for speaking. Since you can’t incorporate punctuations in your tongue, they have to go unrepresented in writing too, which is why this sentence will not end with a period, which then again, is what the Americans, for reasons best known to them, call a full stop which is represented in symbol as .

Crank's Corner » Einstein

Mother tongues and other tongues