Crank's Corner » English

A taste of the tests

K Balakumar — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 12:48:54 +0000

The school examination season is upon us. The BP and anxiety levels are shooting up. For parents, that is. The children are mercifully cool. But for how long? It’s only a matter of time before the madness of parents gets to them, too.

To lessen the burden on lessons, here’s a carefully prepared manual on various subjects and how to tackle the examinations. The underlying idea is that since the students will be busy readying for their exams, they will not be reading this. Well, if they did, well, God is great.

English

The language paper offers the highest creative challenge to any student because the person in charge of correcting the paper is not going to read what has been written in the answer sheet. This seems to be some kind of UN-sanctioned universal rule. And marks are generally awarded in English on the basis of the critical academic criteria called: Teacher’s whim. Teachers don’t read the answer sheets for an equally important reason: They are bored to death.

For all practical purposes, it is impossible to say what convinces the English teacher. But mostly, having a fancy roll number and a smart name works. Avoid boring names like Balakumar. English teachers are generally unimpressed with such stuff.

The beauty of English writing is that it allows a world of scope for ingenuity and imagination, otherwise defined as nonsense. Shakespeare, for instance, never seemed to wait for the right word to describe things. He just thought up new words according to his fancy and spelled them in his own random way. He was one person who was not sure of the spelling of his own name. The world is still debating whether he was Shakespeare or Shakespere? To be or not to be was his dilemma, which the Prince of Denmark later copied.

Practical suggestion for exams: Practise your luck before sitting for the English paper.

Physics

Apparently physics experts are not sure whether the apple that is supposed to have fallen on Newton’s head indeed led to the discovery of gravity or left him in a state of dazed delirium. And that is perhaps why they keep probing succession of students to verify the value of gravitational pull.

The chosen way in physics lab to figure out the value of gravity is through an experiment named simple pendulum, where a small spherical ball made to dangle through a cord and is allowed to oscillate in a random manner, while students write down the numbers they had memorized beforehand to arrive at the value of the gravity. Nobody has bothered to actually check the value of gravity now and that is why it is still stuck on 9.806 metres per second every second despite the mounting inflation and deathly recession.

The more practical method of deducing the value of gravity would be to ingeniously involve the very same metal sphere in the simple pendulum experiment and bang it at the physics teacher. The size of the resultant concussion on his head will help us arrive at the precise force of gravity. But this Newtonian experiment is now out of fashion.

Physics also involves a bucket-load of theorems, postulations and experiments that seek to explain the many laws that govern this universe, the chief of which is: Things learned in physics class is difficult to remember after.

Practical suggestion for exams: Believe in God. Even Einstein did. At any rate, they say God never fails. Ok, he hasn’t taken the IIT entrance test.

Chemistry

Chemistry is the advanced branch of science that has been dealing with the sms language even before ordinary telephone had been invented. Only such a reasoning has the rationality to explain the use of termslike CH3COOH, C4H10, MnO2, which for a lay person can come across as the notation of someone who is incapable of differentiating between numerals and letters.

Students are also called to determine, in labs, whether a particular ‘salt’ is ‘nitrate’ or ‘phosphate’ or ‘sulphate’ or the left over of what the rat ate. These experiments are conducted to enhance the skills of young students in killing time, for which there will be plenty of opportunity if they major in chemistry.

There are two branches of chemistry — organic chemistry and the chemistry that dance masters keep talking about in reality shows. Experiments involving the latter chemistry fall under the ambit of human biology.

The life story of Madam Curie, who married a fellow scientist, underscores the importance of having good chemistry. For her efforts, Curie is remembered through an extremely dangerous radioactive element named after her.

Practical suggestion for exams: Remember Curie. It’s an ungrateful world.

Biology

It is generally believed that all biological experiments somehow involve the dissection of sticky innards of a frog. This is an erroneous conclusion as biologists also vivisect rats, as it is well established that any clinical trial on rats can also hold true for humans by simply reducing two legs from the equation. The formula is: DNA of a human: xxxx. DNA of a rat: xxxxx + two legs.

Talking of DNA, it is the non-negotiable, non-alterable template of any creature, which the biologists are trying to alter.

Biology basically consists of two streams, zoology, dealing with animals, and botany, dealing with things eaten when extremely desperate and hungry by the animals dealt in zoology.

Practical suggestion for exams: All biological experiments cannot be attempted inside a class or at least in front of the teacher.

Mathematics

This is most precise science in the world, except when you are actually trying to solve a mathematical problem. And, of course, never mind the fact that there is no one finite value to pi, which is at the core of all mathematical equations, leading to major discoveries, including one by students, who cut the maths lecture and experiment with psychotropic substances.

Mathematics classes also call for use of logarithmic table, which is a convenient and handy tool because it provides space to students to slyly write down many other formulae and equations for ‘copying’ during the examinations.

The important magic formula for mathematics students to remember is QED, using this at the end of any sum somehow conjures the right answer. Hence proved, I should say.

Practical suggestions for exams: Mathematics is all about numbers. It helps to remember the exam date.

Accountancy and Economics

Accountancy is basically wonderful fiction through the difficlut and rare medium of numerals. They say numbers don’t lie. Well, they haven’t laid their eyes on chartered accountants. Frankly, in our opinion, accountancy and economics students don’t really need any special advice on taking examinations. The point is whatever the marks they receive, they sure know how to present them positively.

Practical suggestion: Stay away from any stuff that seeks to slyly mock at exams and studies. Stop readingCrank’s Corner now.

Mother tongues and other tongues

K Balakumar — Sat, 02 May 2009 02:45:43 +0000

There are two ways by which a person can be deemed to have become old.
1) Physical ailments, by which one means diseases and afflictions that require consultation with experts well versed in the nuanced art of referring patients to every test that medical science has known since the caveman time.
2) Cribbing about the language that is in currency.
The second-named qualification is the unmistakable touchstone of elderliness. Just walk up to any person and casually bring up the subject of modern-day language. This will immediately prove you are not only old but also dorky enough to broach an obscure topic to total strangers at public places.
But if the person you approached lapses into an impassioned lecture about how language standards are plummeting, then you can be sure you are not only talking to an old person but can be equally certain you cannot get in two sentences edgewise for the next two hours. For, age makes people forget that the language has something called a full stop.
Anyway, in general, old people seem to be less worried about their own sons and daughters, and more concerned about the state of English. You may think this to be a stupid attitude, but if you have a son or daughter you will eventually come to the conclusion that getting worked up over language is more worthwhile and a far better practical proposition.
The quality of language in vogue in a society is inversely proportional to the age of its elders. This is what Einstein sought to explain (E = mc2, where E unquestionably stands for English and mc2 means that the language situation is bad enough to include numerals atop letters and cannot be got right in a simple word processing application) before he was laid low by a terminal case of bad hair day and hence he postulated other theories, which have ensured succession of students generation stayed away not only from language classes but also from physics lectures.
The point is, for a country that is said to have around over two thousand languages and dialects, India seems to be unduly worried about the health of English. Have you wondered why? Did this thought ever cross your mind? I am sure it would not have, because you have better things to do in life. But deep down entrenched in every Indian’s mind is the desire to speak English in a manner that can only be termed stupid, because even the Brits no longer converse like that.
So the issue is how to master English?
The best way is to start early, when I say early I mean early that is earlier than your birth. Before your birth, you start the process of learning English by acquiring a dad and mom who preferably are Brits. If in case this is not possible as you are unable to travel to Britain before your birth due to passport and visa issues, you are better off by being born into a regular Tamil family, which, all records confirm, speaks more English than that is technically possibly for the Brits and Americans put together.
The other important aspect of learning English is its grammar, which, as you can see, confuses everyone as to whether it has to be spelled grammar or does it involve an ‘e’ somewhere. Most people don’t get anywhere near grammar simply because they are not sure of its spelling in the first place.
But don’t let the fear of grammar come in your way of sounding stupid speaking an alien language that does not belong here. Shakespeare did not need grammar to pen his works. So what makes you to think that you have to use it? Just consider the following:
‘I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,
Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,
Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine.’
These are the immortal lines from Shakespeare would doubtless underscore his adroitness in not at all bringing grammar into play anywhere near his sentences. Shakespeare also does not seem to be unduly bothered by the fact that the words he employed did not belong to any language at all. This is the hallmark of any true genius. But the problem is if you were to speak or write like this, you will be branded a fumbling fool. So before embarking on this particular language trip take a detour to the local Registrar’s Office and get your name changed by a deed poll to Shakespeare.
Another impediment to language development is vocabulary. The best experts in the field suggest that knowledge to a large set of words makes it perfectly possible to make a simple sentence to sound as if it were written by Shakespeare and Einstein in conjunction. It is plain discombobulation. I could have said ‘it is plain confusion’, but since I had a fleeting acquaintance with the word ‘discombobulation’ I am compelled to discombobulate you rather than just confuse you.
One of the longest words in English language is said to be floccinoccininihilipilification, a word that can never be spelled correctly or used in a proper sentence. So if this is the fate of the most famous word in the language just imagine what it would be for lesser companions of floccinoccininihilipilification?
Another case in point is Ravi Shastri. He proves on a daily basis you need no language or vocabulary but still can earn in lakhs and lakhs. He owns a language that comprises just five sentences ‘it sped like a tracer bullet’, ‘when he hits, they stay hit’, ‘it’s all getting down to the wire’, ‘he has taken him to the cleaners’, ‘they have to take early wickets (or score early runs) to remain in the game’.
If you take out grammar and vocabulary, what’s left of the language? Well, punctuation, largely defined as random symbols that are put to use just avoid the monotony to seeing never-ending stream of words. Comma is a good example. You see them in every sentence, but how do you use them, especially when speaking? The rule of any language is: what is true for speaking is equally for speaking. Since you can’t incorporate punctuations in your tongue, they have to go unrepresented in writing too, which is why this sentence will not end with a period, which then again, is what the Americans, for reasons best known to them, call a full stop which is represented in symbol as .