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Today’s feature: Future

The only thing that enjoys any amount of credibility in newspapers these days is the zodiac column, which is totally made up. Here we present predictions for the year ahead, which we expect to be completely random, exactly the way we have gone about this task.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) It will be a mixed year for Aquarians in that your OTP will actually arrive within 90 seconds, but ‘captchas’ for you will be decidedly monstrous, in that you can never figure out convincingly whether it’s ‘I’ or ‘1’ and the ‘S’ and ‘5’ confusion will be far worse. On the positive side, stars don’t foresee you getting allotted ‘side-upper’ in your train travels. But there is no guarantee that an old, heart patient will not approach you for swapping the lower berth allotted to you.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) Every thing looks so positive for Pisceans in 2016 that the Saravana Bhavan waiter will offer a second helping of sambar unasked. But what use will it be when their vadai is decidedly decreasing in its diameter is a moot point. Talking of which, ‘is Global Warming directly responsible for the alarming shrinkage in the size of Saravana Bhavan vadai’ a topic ripe for research involving huge grants.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) Among all the zodiac-born, you Arians are unique and thoughtful. We know. Because in astrology we have an important line: ‘Flattery works. Always.’ You Arians also feel that your phone is hanging and become slow in the last month or so. Don’t ask us how we know it. Not for nothing we are an astrological column.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) You can read the tealeaves. You can ask the oracle. You can check with the tarot cards. You can consult the palm scriptures. No matter whom you believe, they will all say the same thing: the Fogg advertisement currently on television has to be the silliest in recent times. As a Taurean, brace up to watching more such stupid ads.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21) Luck is totally on Geminis. You can strike two mangoes in one stone. You don’t have to believe our words, you can go out and check it out for yourself. But mate, drop that stone. We were just being rhetorical. Also, the one you are taking aim at is the neighbour’s Christmas tree. You get mangoes in trees only in summer.

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22) We have to ask you this. Do people still make jokes mixing your sun sign and that dreaded disease? If so, tell us. We are in a mood to hear fresh ones. Anyway, you will continue to be blighted by spams and credit card offers, for which there is no real cure in this human world.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) Call us clairvoyant or prescient or prophetic, we have to say Leos are nature-born geniuses. The lion symbolises their double brain and their ability to be doers and thinkers.  We are constrained to say this based on the zodiacal fact this writer’s wife is a Leo.  We just pray that your wife too is born under this sign. Else, you have to take a fresh look at your marriage.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) No matter how hard you guys born under Virgo may try, you will still not understand much about this Net Neutrality debate. But don’t blame your stars. Those born under other zodiac signs too don’t know a squat. But at least you tried. The good news for you is when you are put on hold by the customer-care, the music played will not be Kenny G.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23) If your horoscope reads that you are set for a windfall, don’t get carried away. Consult a gastroenterologist. This is that kind of a year. A bit like making a film with Simbu. You know he can act, dance and all. But bloody hell, he is SIMBU. Sorry for shouting, but with Simbu you can’t blame us for getting infuriated. On the domestic front, it will be cool. The housemaid will remember to sweep under the chairs and tables.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 21) You are prone to indecision. Your indecision now is whether to read this or not. But our prediction is you will continue to read because you like to take chances. But we advise you to not take them this year. By which we specifically mean, don’t watch Kabali first day, first show. Wait for the verdict. After Lingaa, this should have been apparent to you. If not, consult a shrink.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) What do we have to say. The year 2016 is going to be the best for Sagittarians. It will be so good that your Firefox browser will not crash even once in the course of a day. The Ola cab driver will arrive at your booking address without asking for address even once. The Amway-dealer neighbour will shift his residence. No need to thank us. We are only being kind to ourselves.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) A good year is in the offing for you, and your office security person will have the biggest salute for you as long as you take the basic precaution of being the boss of the company. But don’t bother dieting. One, you can’t stick to it. Two, it anyway doesn’t work. Three, this is New Year. Enjoy.

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