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March, 2009:

Chronicle of the times

Surely, journalism has  changed. You don’t have to be an MP who had been bribed with crores and crores of rupees the previous day for your mug to be published in colour on news pages of publications. Newspapers these days have become broad-minded and accommodative enough to publish photos in dozens and dozens of men and women who presumably must have many talents, but the only one apparent being their sterling ability to cheerfully pose for the camera without being embarrassed of the fact that the dress they are wearing is actually meant for a kid whose age is still measured in months.
These panache-possessed men and women have brought colour and fizz to the staid and dreary world of newspapers that otherwise have to make do with charisma-challenged people like scientists who may have invented a cure for diabetes or activists who bore you to death talking that global warming will mean the death of all us.
You don’t need scientists or activists telling you, that too first thing in the morning, you are going to die. The need of the hour actually is conscientious persons who are committed to enjoying cheer and good spirits so that the rest of the world can actually feel what global warming really is, thanks to the stomach burns that they induce in readers who must naturally wonder why only some people get to live it up.
The life and times of these beau monde (this word is included in compliance with the strict journalistic rule that reports on socialites and parties have to contain at least one foreign, preferably French, term) need a detailed telling without being tied down by such niceties as honesty and truth that may have no place in the party culture.
Hence this primer, which gives the low down on the high life in a city along with the insider info of how the media report them. It contains all the questions that you never wanted to ask as you were afraid that you will not be invited to the next happening do.

What is Page 3 journalism?
It is serious journalism that covers those tireless souls who brave many things in the world all through the night so that they give the readers next morning a good reason to skip one full page of photos, which otherwise may have to be filled with news articles they might have to be read.

What is a party?
It is a convivial event where individuals gather for drink and food with the fond hope that they will be photographed by publications which otherwise might have to think up serious news articles to cover the entirety of a full page.

Who gets invited to parties (apart from news photographers)?
Nobody has ever read any report saying that a Krishnamoorthy or a Sivaramakrishnan or a Muthulakshmi or a Khaleeja Begum attended a glitzy party. So the thumb rule to be invited is to have a suitable name, which can be any of the following: Pooja, Barry, Shilpa, Sonam, Rakesh. and any other name that may involve ‘Q’ or ‘Z’ in their spelling.
All manner of people who can be compressed into convenient acronyms like DJs, RJs are also de rigueurs (another French term that socialites are partial to). But CJs are not invited apparently because they wear too much of clothes and robes.

Why are DJs, RJs so important for a party?
As everyone will be busy drinking or posing for photographs, somebody needs to play the music at levels that could actually be heard even if you are in a spacecraft traversing near a different planet.

Why is the music played so loud?
It could be because of the fact that the RJs and DJs are miffed at the fact that they are not allowed to man the booze counter, which is where the action is.

How to converse at parties?

If you have the ability to open and close your mouth you can manage at a party as at the volume of the music played you would need a megaphone to hear your own self. So if you are saying that Bipasha Basu is beautiful your interlocutor will probably hear that as T Rajendhar is a man of few words.

And at any rate, the only meaningful conversation at a party is done with the bar-tender, who generally understands sign language.

Is there a dress code for parties?
Yes, it has to have at least one metre of to yarn that can be made into something at least as comfortable as a bandaid.

What kind of booze has to be served at parties?
Till the first two rounds, it has to be the best of the best. After that it doesn’t matter whether it is Amber whiskey or Aadi Koozh.

On what basis do newspapers choose party pictures to publish?
It is based on the specific journalistic and scientific principle called random picking, which is the touchstone of any good sub-editor.

What do people do when they are not invited to parties?
One of them will write a one-sided, opinionated piece on parties while others will read him.