Crank's Corner Rotating Header Image

Humour

Trump unlikely to attend his own Presidency inauguration

A fully-made-up first-hand report from Washington

Washington, Jan 18: Ahead of the formal inauguration of Donald Trump as the 45th President of the United States, the biggest talking point here is about who all have chosen to give the event a miss. And joining the list of people who have decided to avoid the function is the man of the moment himself, Donald Trump.

According to TMZ, the celebrity gossip site that keeps tab on such events because gossip is the only thing that people are reading anymore, Trump camp was pretty miffed at many celebrities showing their disinclination to attend the Presidential inauguration. “But initially when people like Paul Anka declined to attend, Trump and his team just shrugged their shoulders and decided to move on,” TMZ quoting sources revealed.

However, when Elton John also excused himself from the event, things began to take a heady turn. “Surely I can’t attend a function that even somebody like Elton John does not want to attend. I mean Elton John, his last hit song was probably released when I was with my first wife,”. TMZ added, quoting sources quoting Trump.

Now the biggest attraction at the new President inauguration is, well, the out-going President. So, all the artistes who have chosen to boycott the event are technically avoiding the event of Obama’s.

“This is the ultimate snub that Trump can deliver to Obama,” a Trump acolyte said on Fox News.

Meanwhile, legal mavens here in Washington say the American Constitution is pretty silent on incoming American President not being present for his own inauguration. “To be sure, this has no parallel in annals of American history. But this should be no big deal. We have had Presidents who were not Presidents for most part of their tenure. For instance, Ronald Reagan needed to be reminded every morning by his aides that he was the President.”

Washington legal circles say that if the Vice President can fill in for the President when the latter isn’t around, there shouldn’t be any problem at all for the incoming Vice President to play the role of the incoming President at his inauguration too. The only problem is that nobody here seems to remember who was elected as the Vice President. The hope is that he, whoever he is, will come and introduce himself.

Meanwhile, the Trump camp has described as ‘fake news’ the reports that the new President will henceforth operate out of Kremlin.

“It is utterly disgusting that there are people who are pushing these fabricated information. And it is not us”. Trump himself took to twitter and clarified soberly (by his standards): “Those saying that I’ll be operating out of Kremlin are talking out of their ass”. In another tweet he said, “my office will be at a plush 7-star hotel in downtown Moscow”.

There is also speculation as to what are the new initiatives that the incoming Trump administration will undertake. First up, there are enough indications that Trump will want the CIA to keep constant tabs on the one thing that his government will be most suspicious of: Hillary Clinton. NATO forces will also be alerted to maintain a strict vigil on her so that she doesn’t trigger anything untoward.

Trump is also expected to come down strong on China, and take it to the International Court of Justice with enough proof that this global warming is something made out of sweatshops in Beijing and Shanghai.

Another thing that Trump has to contend with is the abrasive media. Again, TMZ, privy to some developments on this front, is speculating that Trump may have Melania Trump, dressed in skimpy outfits, to address the White House press corps in a bid to keep them in good humour.

Elsewhere, Vladimir Putin has scotched reports that he has 24-hour open hotline with the White House. “There is no need for us to be in constant touch with the American administration. We don’t do micro-managing. We will just set up a simple call every week so that we can monitor what progress is made on whatever we order them to,” a Russian spokesperson was quoted as saying by the news agency AP.

Meanwhile, as far as Indian interests go, international affairs experts feel America will take a very pragmatic approach, and the Modi government will have plenty of common ground with the Trump administration, which is essentially¬† ‘diplomatese‘ for ‘we have no earthly clue as to what will transpire”. To be fair, even Trump has no earthly clue as to what he will do.

At the time of this report going to Press, it was made clear by the authorities in charge of the Presidential inauguration that there will no Russians at the event and arrangements have also been made for separate urinals.