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A meme version of  Indian Constitution

Plus: Will Rajnikanth enter politics? (Ans: We will discuss Kamal)

Chennai, July 20: We don’t know whether magazines in other vernacular languages have the Q and A column, the kind that Tamil magazines are well known for.  If those magazines don’t run such a Q and A column, we suggest that they do forthwith. It is pure thigh-slapping fun.

For the uninitiated, the Q and A columns in Tamil magazines basically take up questions, purportedly thrown up readers, smartly employing what has to be the core philosophy of journalism in this country, which is to somehow feature attractive pics of some actress or female celebrities, if possible in some state of undress.

As male beings, we aren’t exactly against such snaps of actresses, but our attraction is still the kind of questions that get asked.

Sample this from the edition of a popular Tamil magazine this week: “What was the last film that Raja Sulochana acted with Sivaji Ganesan?”

Seriously, we cannot believe that there are people out there who want to know what was Raja Sulochana’s, a middle-level former heroine in Kollywood, last film with Sivaji, and unable to find answer for the same have thought it fit to write to the magazine.

And this was a query from not long ago: “Was Vanisri’s hairstyle in Vasantha Maaligai original or with the use of artificial hair?”

Even if you are a trivia buff this is plain bizarre. Also, one look at Vanisri in Vasantha Maaligaiwill tell you that her hairstyle —  a high hair bun that would have done well as a foundation piece for Eiffel Tower replica — could not have been possible through any normal human growth. It belonged to the realm of Donald Trump.  It was a hairstyle just one step away from the hideousness that Rani Mukherjee managed in Tara Rum Pum.

But here we had some guy posing a question on Vanisri a good 40 years after the film released. And this is precisely for such sensational silliness, we look forward to the Q and A column in Tamil magazines. This is the kind of fun, the best possible without taking psychotropic substances (just kidding), that Tamil magazines provide every week.

So this week, we in Crank’s News thought we will handle questions on various topics, but not exactly  a la Tamil magazines. Our questions are chosen mostly from headline happenings this week. So we probably won’t be answering — we don’t know — queries on Kanchana’s makeup in Kaadhalikka Neramillai. But our answers, as it happens in most Tamil Q and A columns, will be delightfully no-sequitur. Which is to answer your questions by answering some other imagined question.

A) What does the Indian constitution say on States wanting to have their own flags?

Ans: To answer your query, we pored over the Constitution, and guess what happened? Exactly. We fell asleep by the second page. That is how dense was the prose. They sure need to release a friendly meme-version of the Indian Constitution that will help people to understand whatever it wants to convey.

We at Crank’s News already have a cover page in mind for the meme version of the Indian Constitution: Vadivelu enunciating, “I am your best friend” image.

And these ones, too:

Constitution on Freedom of Expression: (Vivek voice and image) Yaarume illadha tea kadaila yarukkaga tea aathikittu irukka?

Constitution on language policy: (Vadivelu voice and image):  Hum Aap Hain rain coat family varudhu paar.

This is the only way youngsters can be brought near the Indian Constitution. On the flipside, if you let youth near Constitution, you may end up having a rap version of the Constitution.

Yo ma! we the people (emoji for hi-five)…!

B) Will Rajnikanth enter politics?

Ans: That is old stuff from last week. The question ask today is on Kamal Haasan, who keeps every one, most certainly including himself, as to what he is up to.

If you have been following his tweets and statements at press conferences, you will clearly get a picture that is totally unclear.

But what do Kamal’s utterances reveal? Well, the answer is there are no easy answers. But if there were easy answers you would not have asked the question in the first place.

We know we are close to sounding like Kamal, but that is inevitable when he is all over the media. Kamal’s influence has been so pervading that people finding meaning in his, well, typos.

C) How dod you think will Ramnath Kovind perform as the President?

Ans: We actually are more chuffed about Venkaiah Naidu candidature for the Vice-President post. The staid, boring Vice President office will finally be elevated to a stand-up comic act with — we hope — particular specialisation in  acronyms. No one has shown better ability to mint out acronyms out of impossible words. He can acronym acronym itself: Abridged, Concise Random Order Noitice bY MVenkaiahNaidu.

Cringe!