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July, 2010:

Crank News: Indo-Pak talks derailed over ‘Wigileaks’

New Delhi/Islamabad/AnyOtherCapitalCity: Pakistan today declared that it was pulling out of the ambassador-level talks that were to be held on the sidelines of the secretary level discussions with India, which were a prelude to the Ministerial level confabulations that were naturally a prequel to the Prime Ministerial-level summit that was expected to provide a major diplomatic breakthrough in the form of a State-sponsored official banquet.

According to highly-placed sources, the provocation for Islamabad’s extreme decision to call off the talks was the sensational Wikileaks, in which it has emerged, among other things, the US was fighting the Taliban, with the help of Pakistan, which was aiding the US by arming the Taliban to combat the US.

It also emerged from the Wikileaks that the US’s Afghanistan policy primarily consisted of bombing many parts of Pakistan. On the other hand, Islamabad’s Afghanistan policy naturally involved training crack jehadist commandos to trigger terror acts in India, while India’s studied response to the attacks was, well, we don’t know as it falls under the Official Secrets Act.

Anyway, it’s Pakistan’s contention now that the Wikileaks were the handiwork of India, and a feisty Pakistan Foreign Minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi drew attention to India’s Home Secretary G K Pillai’s specific remarks that  ‘Wigileaks’ confirm ISI’s presence in Pakistan.

Qureshi pointed out, not unreasonably, Pillai’s reference to ‘Wigileaks’, makes it difficult for Pakistan to continue its participation in the talk process. Qureshi’s implicit suggestion was that Pillai was alluding to a leak from a man with a wig. ‘In the world of external affairs there is no bigwig with a wig bigger than S M Krishna’s,’ Qureshi said and added that the comb of suspicion over the leaks points to the India’s Foreign Minister. ‘Our suspicions are raised. So are our hackles,’ he added, trying a silly pun with ‘hackles’ to go with the wig reference.

Meanwhile, a major consternation and confusion broke out in the corridors of the South Block owing to Pakistan’s cancellation of talks, leading to the cancellation of official dinner.

The boffins at the Foreign Affairs Ministry were also confounded as to what this ‘Wigileaks’, as opposed to the Wikileaks, were, and whether Pillai was indeed talking of Krishna in the whole matter.

Later, emerging out of a high-level meeting, as it was held at the 27th floor of a building, India’s External Affairs Secretary Nirupama Rao diplomatically played down the matter by talking about the weather.

Elsewhere, reporters managed to corner G K Pillai and sought his clarification on ‘Wigileaks’. Pillai, an IAS officer from the Kerala batch, pooh-poohed the idea that he had scuttled the Indo-Pak dinner with his remarks on ‘Wigileaks’. ‘The whole world is talking of Wigileaks, why single out me?’ Pillai asked.

It was when he said ‘Wigileaks’, it dawned on everyone that he was actually talking of Wikileaks but pronouncing it ‘Wigileaks’. In other words, Pillai was being a true Mallu, overstressing the consonants and giving them an unnatural guttural sound. ‘It’s a “simble” case of making a molehill out of a mountain,’ Pillai said, further underscoring his inescapable Malluness.

Universally, English alphabet consists of 26 letters. In Kerala, it’s only 23 letters though with there being no difference between K and G, and P and B, a D and T, for the Mallus. The thing worse than having a foot in the mouth is have a heavier Mallu tongue in the mouth.

Meanwhile, when reports last came in, Pakistan did not appreciate or understand this position. But the Gulf countries did. ‘It’s a diblomatic victory for us,’ said Nirupama Rao, who needless say was a Keralite by birth.

(Disclaimer: News appearing in this column are extremely distorted for what we believe as humour. If you find it funny, it’s fine by us. If you find it offensive, it’s still fine by us. Oops, we meant, sorry.)