Future is the feature

If newspaper Editors have any sense, they will have the editorials featured in the Horoscope Column, which is the only thing that ever gets read in a publication with any amount of enthusiasm.

Have you ever bothered to think why horoscope columns are popular? No, you wouldn’t have, because you have better things to do in life. The point is, with Horoscope Columns you don’t have to read the whole thing. Just run the eye through the couple of lines pertaining to your sun sign or moon sign, and you can move on to really pleasantly engaging stuff in the newspaper, namely the advertisements (known as Vir Sanghvi’s column in trade parlance).

Anyway, human beings are so keen to know what the future holds that many times over they forget to check what is happening to their present, and sometimes even fail to notice rank dire things, like Deve Gowda becoming the Prime Minister of this country.

So when we began scientifically compiling this Horoscope Column, we straightaway decided to address the abovementioned problem: We will not let Deve Gowda become the Prime Minister again. Oops, we meant to say we will cover every aspect, including the past. If you have any doubt you can hire a time machine, go back and check whether our predictions are spot on or not.  If you can prove our claims are in the past wrong, we guarantee we will defray the cost you incurred on the time machine. Such is our integrity.

The real beauty of these predictions is that we have chosen to stay totally true to human life, that is to say we have been absolutely Illogical. The other highlight of these predictions is that even if you are, say, a Sagittarian, you can check your fortunes even under, say, Libra: It will be equally senseless.  Much like what we expect 2011 to be.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Among all the zodiac-born, you Capricorns are unique and thoughtful. How do we know? Well, we always know that flattery works. We also know another thing about you: You hate your doctor. But we told you, you are thoughtful. So no surprises there. Our sincere advice to you this year is never check notes with the Taureans and don’t even bother to read or remember what’s written for them.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

If your horoscope reads that you are set for a windfall, don’t get carried away. Consult a gastroenterologist. This is that kind of a year. A bit like having Sreesanth in your team. You know he can take wickets and all. But bloody hell, he is SREESANTH.  Sorry for shouting, but with Sreesanth you can’t blame us. On the domestic front, it will be cool. The housemaid will remember to sweep under the chairs and tables.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You can read the tea leaves. Ask the oracle. Check with the tarot cards. You can consult the palm scriptures. No matter whom you believe, they will all say the same thing: this year’s winter has been the coldest. They say this every year. They will say this in 2079. As a Piscean, it’s your challenge to overlook this and get ready for the summer, which for the record will be the hottest this year. And in 2079, too. A good year is in the offing, and your office security will have the biggest salute for you as long as you take the basic precaution of being the boss of the company.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Luck is totally on the Arians. You can strike two mangoes in one stone. Don’t believe our word, check it out for yourself: You will be able to enjoy New Year holiday on your weekend holiday itself.  Talk of double whammy! What more, your luck will run even in 2012 — We predict that New Year Day to fall on a Sunday. On the health front, too, Arians will have nothing much to worry as your doctor will be in robust shape.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Among all the zodiac-born, Taureans are unique and thoughtful. How do we know? Well, we always know that flattery works. The year will be a mixed one for Taureans, in that you will be fortunate enough to actually reach a human customer service person on the phone line. But your luck will run out there: That customer service personnel will be of no use. We don’t see that tribe becoming even remotely useful in any foreseeable future. And, just to be safe, stay away from the Capricorns.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21)

Call us clairvoyant or prescient or prophetic, we have to say Geminis are nature born geniuses. The twins-sign symbolise their double brain and their ability for being thinkers as well as doers.  We say this based on the commonsense reading of the fact that our boss is a Gemini.  We just pray that your boss is also a Gemini.

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22)

With a zodiac sign that shares its name with a dreaded disease, you must already be facing even more dreadful jokes. So we don’t want rub it in here. But next time somebody makes any new joke of your zodiac sign, just let us know: We are in a mood to hear fresh ones. You will, however, continue to be blighted by spams and credit-card offers, for which there is no real cure in this human world.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

The Lion of the world, the pride of the jungle, you are a terror to those living with you. You call the shots always.  You have your way in any circumstance. You are in control of all situations. You lord over hapless creatures. Yet, you are very considerate enough to feed miserable individuals with your cooking. You are: My wife. I don’t know about other Leos —- one itself looks too much for me.

Virgo (Aug 23 –Sept 22)

Virgo symbolises strength and power. In other words, you cannot be Manmohan Singh. But not for a minute are we suggesting Manmohan Singh is in a position to check his fortunes under his own zodiac sign. Anyway, our prediction for the Virgo person is: Life will be kind but not kind enough for you to find anything worthwhile to follow on TV.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23)

As a Libran, your fortunes are a bit dicey this year. For instance, your phone may be tapped.  But we have a practical solution to this: Quietly switch over to the service provider we are struck with. The signals being what they are, all they can get by way of tap is: Rahman’s music on the loop.

Scorpio (Oct 24 –Nov 21)

Scorpio is born sturdy and is ready for all terrain and all challenges. No, wait, this is the description of an SUV. We think we got the wrong cut and paste. Anyway it doesn’t matter whether it’s an SUV or a human being, the rules of life are the same: There is no escaping the bribes at the RTO. This is a good lesson to remember for years to come.  For 2011 though, your future is safe provided you don’t read dubious horoscope predictions.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

The superstar among the zodiac symbols. We say this not because Rajnikanth was born under it, we say this out of the first principles of astrology: Be kind to yourselves. Yes, we are a Sagittarian, which means to say we just had our birthday. Which means to say we just had a grand party. Which means we are broke. Which means to say: Can you lend a few grand for the new year bash?

Which means, it’s also time to say Happy New Year to all of you.