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Crank’s News: More letters make more headlines

This is the season of letters.

India Inc has written one to the Prime Minister, who dispatched one to Tamil Nadu Chief Minister Jayalalithaa, who herself had earlier penned one to Manmohan Singh, who also had shot off another to Anna Hazare, to whom the RSS had apparently sent one, which was released to the media by Digvijay Singh, proving beyond reasonable doubt that he is no human being, but just a ‘bot’, because of being a virtual RSS Feed Reader.

Why this sudden spurt in letters? Yes, you’re right; it’s a direct fall-out of the TRAI regulation on the number of SMSes.  Normally, Manmohan would have just texted Anna Hazare: ‘Dude, chill. Lpal is on its way’.

But the situation wouldn’t change unless someone shoots off a letter to TRAI forthwith to mend its ways.

Anyway, we at Crank’s News have scooped up the letters that should have been written but weren’t.

To

Advani,

(The man with a built-in van)

Dear Shri Advaniji,

Kem che?

You might be thinking that you have snubbed me by kicking off your Rath Yatra against corruption from Bihar and not Gujarat.

Well, allow me to point it to you, that if you have chosen to skip Gujarat in your trip against graft, it only means that my State is clean and corrupt-free while Bihar isn’t.

Poor Nitish Kumarji he didn’t see this truth.  But I don’t blame him. After all, he is a Bihari no? Just tell him that there is a hell a lot a meaning in the saying: Beware the ‘rath’ of a man scorned.

And let me conclude by bringing to you notice that when you ‘train’ your guns on corruption a bus is a poor vehicle to go about it.

Narendra Modi

(Driver of Guja’rath’)

 

 

To

N Srinivasan

(Virtual owner of BCCI, which virtually owns cricket)

Dear Sir,

It gives me great pleasure to write to a man who is emotionally so different from me in life.

Right at the outset let me congratulate you for setting a sterling example on how to avoid situations that lead to conflict of interests.

I am particularly referring to the embarrassing scenario that had arisen out of the fact that India, at one point, was both the World No 1-ranked Test team as well as the World Cup champions in one-dayers.

Occupying two top posts simultaneously was obviously a serious breach of credibility. Luckily for us, the BCCI, with able direction from people like you, sent to England a team with players who were hospitably disposed to suffering injuries, if you get my drift and the awful pun.

Thanks to the efforts of people like you, India is not even the second-ranked Test team in the world now.  With you showing the way, I hope, we can further enhance our credibility by getting to figure at the bottom of the Test rankings.

Anyway, your approach had been so inspirational that I could not help asking my own team to emulate the efforts of the Indian cricket team.

Fortunately, my team, whose position had become untenable as it was both the IPL champion and the Champions League winner, rallied to my call.  It has now gallantly given up the latter by playing insipid cricket.

Here is hoping to follow your ways in future too

N Srinivasan

(Virtual owner of India Cements, which virtually owns Chennai Super Kings)

 

 

To

Montek Singh Ahluwallia

(Planning Commission)

Sir,

Accept my sincere appreciation to you and your staff for compiling all the important national financial data with smart accuracy.

I must confess that my family is happily living within the Rs. 32 bounty that I make as a beggar daily. But since we have just invested in a fixed deposit the surplus Rs. 5 we had, I am unable to buy the postal stamp needed to affix on this letter.

Please pay the stamp charges and the penalty thereof and collect this congratulatory letter.

We understand Rs. 5 is a big amount. But we hope that you understand that it will be a small price to pay to experience a big, heart-felt compliment.

Yours happily (smiling with my 32),

A common man

(Planning no commission)

(Disclaimer: With so many letters doing the rounds, postmen can hope for some hefty Deepavali baksheesh. But our worry is the Planning Commission people may compile the national GDP based on that).

  • The last letter is a classic! 🙂 Superb. Hilarious

    But baap.. or should i say.. the Maa of Letters is Mayawati apparently. I read recently that she wrote about 30 letters to PM, in the last 2-3 years. You must write a story about that! I am unable to find the link but there was one article, detailing about her letter writing skills 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Thanks, mate. Yeah vaguely remember about Mayawati’s letters. But to really spoof that, I have to know more.

  • To K Balakumar,

    It is with deep regret I note that you have not written about me for along time. You can read the Ramayana but in real world it is Mahabharatha which happens. Why am I saying this? Because I am erudite.

    Given that no film of mine is being released, I look forward to people like you to keep me in news. Instead you have gone and written about Harris Jayaraj. And as usual about politicians. Why is this ‘ora vanjanai’. Am I not a citizen of this country? Are film actors not entitled to some space in your column? As the great French screenplay writer once told me, “Don’t worry. When you write a scene always concentrate on writing a scene. Don’t make a scene” That is one reason I have come and fasted outside your house.

    I hope that in the coming columns you will also consider my case. I am not saying your are God but just that if you were it would be great.

    World Hero

    KH

  • Mr. BalaKumar – your Cranks Corner has competition now! And a befitting one, it seems, from this post!

  • Anonymous

    Dear KH,

    Amazing that you have got into the skin of the chracter of that fellow Suresh. This is real Vishwaroobam — I reamain your fan always.

  • Anonymous

    Have to be vigilant now 🙂

  • Superb post. That N.Srinivasan to N.Srinivasan idea is super stuff. Laughing out loud even as I’m commenting on this article.

  • Anonymous

    Thank you:)

  • Raghavan Rengachari

    Well written…! 😀

    although i enjoyed reading this, i’m a little disappointed for u forgetting to mention the legends of TN’s ex-CM MK… The great man who sent our PM an array of letters reg. the Srilankan Tamils issue, but went to Delhi all by himself despite being seated on a wheelchair, for the welfare of his sons’ powers… Such a great man, I tell you…! 🙂

  • Anand.J

    The last one was Epic..!!

    Keep ‘posting’ more sir.. (Ok. Pleading you to get the pun here in case you missed those single quotes) 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Knowing your penchant for puns, got it without the quotes itself 🙂 Surely more letters —- You have my word for them. 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Thank you. MK did cross my mind, but had to leave him out because he is not in the headlines these days with his letters.

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