It’s kewl: The A to Z of internet

Have you ever wondered why there are many people who are constantly on the email, Face Book, Twitter, while you have twiddle your thumbs aimlessly? What separates them from you? Well, they have computers while you have a real life.

Ha, ha, ha. Anyway, the way to be smart and chic on the internet is to speak the lingo that the pros speak. That is, you have to be an expert in crisp communication, otherwise defined as nonsense.

Talking of nonsense, here is a carefully compiled compendium of everyday internet usage and its specific utilities. The whole idea behind this urban and technical dictionary is to, well, there is no idea actually.

ASAP: It’s a good example to start this exercise as it represents the slapdash convenience that is at the core of this lexicon. ASAP gets to figure here because of the fact that it begins with the letter A, and I can’t think of any other internet term starting with ‘A’ to be fitted here so that it lives up to the ‘A to Z’ billing in the headline.

Usage: We will get to the actual focus of the article ASAP.

Fav: If you bother to take a microscope and carefully focus on the innards of the word ‘favourite’, you will realise the letter ‘u’ to be full of microbes, virus and other unspeakable worms of this world. And that is why the good souls in America amputated ‘u’ from favourite to make it favorite. But apparently, the letters ‘orite’, by virtue of the fact that they were so far promiscuous with the letter ‘u’, seem to have gotten a similar virus attack. So the good old favourite, and its neological cousin, favorite, have been clinically chemotherapied to classically read just fav. If this treatment doesn’t work, fav may be sloughed off to ‘fa’ to ‘f’ and eventually to just . The preceding blank space, in case you didn’t notice, read ‘favourite’.

Usage: Among the classical languages, Sanskrit is Karunanidhi’s fav.

FYI: For your information, FYI is the contraction of the phrase For Your Information.

Usage: FYI, the previous sentence should elicit laughter from you. 

Hashtag: This has to be the biggest discovery and contribution of the internet world to the rest of the humanity. For decades, the symbol ‘#’ had been lying forlorn and uncared for on the keys of the typewriter. No one knew what it was, and none had the courage to go anywhere near it as it were some kind of HIV-carrier, and ‘#’ remained untapped for closed to a century. And then the internet revolution happened, and not only ‘#’ found a use and a name was thought up for that: Hashtag, it is.

The tables seem to have turned with the vengeance, as it impossible to use modern application like twitter without ‘#’. In fact, neo-web researchers confirm twitter rests on the edifice provided by ‘#’. You take it out of life, a lot many people wouldn’t know what to do in their office time as twitter is the sole thing that seem to occupy them. Perhaps some of them may have to think of the dreaded future that may involve the monster called work.

Usage: I don’t know how to use # in a normal sentence.

Kewl: This one word represents the brilliance and the ease that define most of the internet. You may not have guessed it: Kewl stands for cool, which, as you can see, is a very difficult word to spell. The intelligent souls that people the worldwide web understood that cool could be simplified by the unmistakable convenience and contraction provided by kewl.

It is impossible to misspell kewl, as the four letters that make the word appear just once. But with cool, it is quite conceivable that you may stumped by the challenge as to which of the ‘o’s go in first.

Usage: Kewl.

LOL: Roll together Charlie Chaplin, Nagesh, P G Wodehouse and T Rajendhar and carefully distill all the humour, wit and comedy that these gentlemen beautifully and brilliantly represent. And what do you get? Well, LOL. It is the Viagra for the erection of humour, the magic capsule that powerfully adds all the witticism of the world when appended to any sentence.

Let me illustrate with an example. Suppose you say: ‘Telecom Minister A Raja is the most honest person in the world’; you will be immediately hauled up in the courts for defamation of public opinion. But when you make out a sentence like this: ‘Telecom Minister A Raja is the most honest person in the world. LOL’. The world around will quickly comprehend the thigh-slapping comedy inherent in the lines and congratulate, not you, but A Raja for his finely honed sense of levity and amusement.

Supreme Court verdicts, especially those authored by the likes of Dinakaran, will soon sport the asterisk of ‘LOL’.

LOL is also used to convey all manner of appreciation of humour. From extreme to pedestrian, every comic item has to produce a ‘LOL’.

Usage: Laughing Out Loud is what LOL is said to expand to; but in the history of the world nobody who has used LOL on the internet has ever really laughed out loud. No office allows that.

My Bad: Internet and technology people are always hard-pressed for time, space and grammar. Since they are so engrossed in their work, they can’t be troubled to write big sentences like ‘My Bad Luck’ or My Bad Time’. Instead, they succinctly shrink it amplify it as: My bad, I have to read Crank’s Corner. To which my only response could be: LOL.

Usage: It is my bad if you have not got the joke.

1: The inventive folks who populate the web understand the importance of multitasking and that’s why they have cajoled numerals to do double-duty as letters. 1 is won, 2 is to and too too. The previous line is not a mistake. L8 is late, L88 is late by eight minutes or eight years. Gr8 is great, while Gr is sound of a bear after eating the 8.  B4 is before, B is being on time.

If your question is: why resort to such confusing items, when to can be written with more clarity in traditional terms itself? Well, then you haven’t even begun to understand what internet is all about: It is about saying the most rational things in the world and doing them with utmost irrationality.

My industry, the newspaper industry, is a good example to define the underlying philosophy of the internet. Every newspaper regularly invest millions and millions of rupees and dollars to constantly upgrade their internet editions and continue to offer instant news through the very many distribution outlets that modern technology has thrown up. There has to be very good reason for us to be pouring in so much money regularly: Yes, you guessed it right, every newspaper, on an average, rakes in, dollar terms, zero per cent return. It’s official: No single news media outlet has made even a single paise out of internet operations. Content, as they say, is king. The finance minister, obviously, is somebody else.

ZZZZ: Your right response to this piece.

Usage: Like you care.