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Salman Khan

Kareena, Salman and size-zero IQ

The beauty of modern-day living is that it has thrown up plenty of dizzying choices at the dining table, a plethora of succulent options in terms of cuisine, none of which a human being can begin to eat without feeling extremely guilty or scared of its ramifications in terms of health. People, who till the other day were believing that protein was the name of teenage support group, are now discussing with authoritative gusto fibre content in foods with hotel waiters, who generally have the understanding and reasoning power of lettuce.

Yes, food has now evolved to be the new F word and calories, which were once just the unit of heat, has now become the measurement of people’s fear and anxiety. However, it is not right to ridicule people’s desire to look fit and stay hearty as it is a question between living unhealthy and dying and living healthy and still dying.

Once you decide on the latter, more than what to eat and how to sweat it out, what to wear become imperative needs, because there is no bigger show off in the world than the one who is working out in gyms and supposedly eating all the right food. It is never impossible to spot the physical fitness fiend even in the midst of thousands: He is usually the one in the T-shirt four sizes smaller than his regular fit. Yes, regular fitness exercises come at a price: Reduced thinking faculty. Exhibit A: Salman Khan.

But since that has become the norm of the times, it is important that we answer a few vital questions related to individual well-being and workouts so that we are done with bigger exercise, which is to find reasonably healthy material for this weekly column.

What is the best time to exercise?

This is a good question to ponder over, because this gives you a valid excuse to further delay your decision before you actually get down to go on a fitness regimen. But the moment you make up your mind one way or the other, there can be no room for complacency, as you have to keep thinking up fresh reasons to further stay away from working out.

Luckily for souls like you, enough opportunities would present themselves to be thrown up as excuses to remain committedly lazy. During summers, in the mornings, it is a no-brainer to go to a gym to sweat it out when you can actually manage that better in the comforts of your own AC-ed bedroom. In the evenings, it is even worse, as people perspire so much that some of them may even think of fitting a sweat-water harvesting apparatus to their bodies. The winters, fortunately, are easier, as the weather itself is conducive for convenient and compelling lies to keep you warm in your laziness.

If for some strange reason, if you indeed take your exercises seriously, it is usually advised to get in touch with a physician. This is done with the fond hope that he will helpfully suggest some practical ways and means for you to avoid fitness routines altogether.

Can you explain the difference between calisthenics and aerobics?

Aerobics, as the dictionary defines it, is a set of physical exercises that are designed to increase the need for oxygen. This is usually managed by the commonsense logic of wearing extremely tight-fitting clothes. The beauty of aerobics attire is that it almost garrotes people at all the wrong places. Strangulation of little finger is a common cause of death among aerobics people.

Calisthenics, on the other hand, is another clutch of general fitness routines that involve specially trained people looking foolishly cheery even when they are making a complete ass of themselves in front of a rolling camera. Calisthenics, it should be said here, is only for demonstration purposes, and there may not be anybody out there who is actually doing it. Calisthenics is known to impart a suppleness in joints, especially since it can be spelled as callisthenics, too.

Which is better: Yoga or aerobics?

This is a very important question, and is actually a personal call a person has to take, taking into consideration various things like the smartness and personableness of the instructors. Yoga teachers are generally known to be flexible while aerobic tutors can be pliable. You decide which type suits you better.

Yoga, at the core, is a form of holistic routines conceived for the overall well-being of an individual, and is constructed on the traditional truths of this land, which is to thoroughly zap unwary individuals with high-sounding Sanskritized terms. Yoga involves various asanas that provide immediate litheness to tongues that utter them.

The main difference between yoga and aerobics, and an important reason why yoga usually tends to score over aerobics, is that a yoga expert can somehow trick people to believe that he or she is a yogi while an aerobics instructor cannot for the implicit reason that there is no word called ‘aerobi’.

How much time should one spend (on an average) at the gym daily?

Experts are unanimous that nothing less than two hours daily at the gym will deliver the necessary results. Experts also suggest that the two hours at the gym can be handily split into operational parts like: Five minutes of some random physical activity with weighty implements, including vigorously looking at them. And 115 minutes of ogling at your own figure from every possible angle on the myriad mirrors provided helpfully by the gym authorities.

What’s size zero? How does one attain that?

Size zero, as is self-evident, indubitably refers to the IQ of those who become so desperate in life that they end up believing that looking thin is chic and beautiful, when in reality they seem like walking, tragic exclamation marks.

Ramp-walk models are size-zero specialists and they achieve this exalted state by eating food that provide energy just enough to carry the little shreds of strangely cut cloth, which they are wont to wear in joyless casualness.

Write a note on Kareena Kapoor

There are some sceptics who assert that the Kareena who is seen in public with an impossible figure is actually a computer graphics-enabled model while the real Kareena is somewhere living happily and eating contentedly like the rest of the humanity. The sceptics base their argument on the unimpeachable logic that Kareena’s public looks and body structure are possible only if she were to subsist solely on decaffeinated, calorie-cut and fat-less oxygen.

Anyway, the Kapoor gal is a wonderful example of the strong-willed and steadfast types in Bollywood who sincerely live out the ultimate dictum of show business: Truth doesn’t matter.

How do health foods work?

Oh, do they?

But as long as there are people who are ready to shell out large sums of money for fat-free chocolates and sugar-less coffee when elementary logics suggests that they should pay less for all the things that are removed from their eatables, the health food will continue to be in good health.

If the Great God had really wanted us to consume tasteless things, which is what health foods are really, he wouldn’t have given us a long tongue embedded with taste buds and a longer tongue to complain if what is served is vapid.