Drop management consultants, advise management consultants

Mumbai: Top management consultancy firm McKinsey and Co has said that the best way for the corporate sector to cut burgeoning costs is to stop employing management firms for consultancy.

Releasing the findings of the mega corporate research, funded by 25 leading companies, on reducing expenses, McKinsey said: ‘Every rupee these companies spent on us is worth it, in that they now scientifically know that there is no point in spending money on us.’

Giving specific details of the trail-blazing study, a McKinsey spokesperson in a bespoke suit said: ‘We painstakingly studied the balance-sheet of these blue-chip companies from all possible angles, including upside down and also right to left. We immediately realised that Urdu has to be the most difficult language to learn in the world’

‘Anyway, during our research it came to light that all these profit-making companies began to slide into the red at one particular juncture. So we decided to further zero in on this aspect by asking for more funds,’ the McKinsey spokesperson said.

‘Interestingly, you know what happened? More the funds we asked for, more the losses the balance-sheet of these companies showed’, the McKinsey spokesperson said rather incredulously and added: ‘As we pored over the balance-sheet in the executive room of the five-star hotel, one of our senior management personnel came up with the brilliant observation: Hey, this hotel serves very good Italian food and wine. Oops sorry, he said something else which I am unable to recollect now.’

Appreciating the 25 companies for undertaking the research, the McKinsey executive said the findings of the study would stand the companies in good stead. ‘Unless you undertake a scientifically stringent market research you cannot realistically understand how costly the whole affair is. You are richer for the experience and can plan better in plugging the expenses in the future,’ he pointed out sagely.

Stating that there is a huge message for the other companies that were not part of this study, the McKinsey spokesperson said ‘the rest of the companies can follow suit and employ us and get the all-important first-hand feel of this same message’.

Further underlining the importance of management research companies, the McKinsey personnel said: ‘business these days are multi-billion dollar efforts. It’s a high-stake game and the room for charlatans wanting to make quick bucks is enormous. But, as management firms with rich experience and requisite ability, how can we let others walk away with the money? When companies employ us, we help them set up a whole cornucopia of checks and balances so that the money is not lost to unknown forces’.

In general, he said, companies would do well to stick to their areas of core competency. ‘We cannot overstress the importance of core competency. As qualified management gurus, we understand our strength is in making money. That is why many of us study MBA in the first place. So when we undertake any consultancy work, we never let go off this target. On the other hand, a company like, to give a random example, Sahara must stick to sports sponsorship and get out of the other businesses that are mentioned in its website’.

Asked how will Sahara make money if it were just into sponsorship, the McKinsey spokesperson shot back: ‘by getting out of other businesses, Sahara has a better chance of finding money to sponsor than when it is in those businesses. And, by the way, does any one have even an inkling of what is its business actually? ‘.

Asked to give similar practical examples from the world of management, the McKinsey executive said IIPM makes for another good case study. ‘IIPM has a wonderful track record in releasing full-page advertisements to newspapers. This is from where it derives its strength; It must confine itself to this and make a smart exit out of free laptop business that it runs through its various institutes’.

NDTV also makes for thought-provoking research. ‘It’s the right company in the wrong business. For several years now, it has been in the business of news dissemination without making any real profit. It’s shame that with rich talents like Barkha Dutt that NDTV has to suffer this fate, the McKinsey expert said and added ‘our one line advice to NDTV is: ‘Drop news, stay with lobbying.’

(Disclaimer: Sponsored by Sahara India)

(Disclaimer 1: This is spoof, fiction, a work of complete irresponsible imagination. But you knew that already nah? After all, who hasn’t read management consultancy reports?)