EC declares Vishal elected at RK Nagar

Using its veto power, it gives itself vote power

Chennai, Dec 7: After the by-election related events of Tuesday night at RK Nagar, we at Crank’s News called for an emergency editorial meeting and stood in silence for two-minutes. It was to mark the formal death of spoof and satire in these parts.

Things that transpired for three-four hours at the RK Nagar Election Commission camp office beggar our belief and, we at Crank’s News, who think up bizarre, irresponsible, idiotic news events under the guise of spoof, felt decidedly inferior at the way real events were unfolding.

Rejected, accepted, rejected, referred to the DRS, Kohli’s double century cancelled…the Election Commission just dribbled, Messi-like, with rules and regulations that night.

But the gross developments were oddly befitting because the RK Nagar by-election has been necessitated by the death of J Jayalalithaa, an event that turned out to be, unfortunately, no less burlesque.

Just to recap a small part of Tuesday’s events: Vishal’s nomination paper was rejected because the signatures of two local persons, out of the ten required, were allegedly forged. 

Hahahahahahaha. Give us ten minutes so that we can go out, laugh and come back.

Okay, we are back after heartily laughing. This ‘signatures of 10 locals’ is in itself a stupid, silly rule. Seriously, why is there such a rule in the first place? What do the signatures stand for? Nothing. Are they binding on those who sign? No. Then why have it? Sorry, sir. That question is out of syllabus. 

Basically, it is a rule that we have in the book because somebody put it there (most likely as a prank) and no one has bothered to question or change it since. 

This one rule — a rule that serves no real purpose —  is verily a spoof, a parody. 

But that, dear readers, is reality in this country. 

Anyway, for this week’s offering, we initially wanted just to print, verbatim, the election rules in this country. It would have provided thigh-slapping humour. But it would also have set standards that we cannot match in the coming weeks when we have to actually think up something as satire.

So for what it is worth, here is our effort, even as we humbly accept that it is no patch on the efforts of the EC, which is clearly the Don Bradman of parody and spoof:

In an not so surprising development, the Election Commission today declared actor Vishal as elected from the RK Nagar constituency.

Announcing the election of Vishal, the poll officer, however, said that the by-election slated for December 21 will still go ahead, even though Vishal has been declared winner.

The poll process will be duly completed and people will exercise their franchise, the officer said added “voting is people’s right, the EC will not interfere in it.”

But what happens to the person to be elected by the public in the election? The poll officer shot back he cannot answer hypothetical questions based on hypothetical situations.

But how can the EC declare Vishal elected when 1) he is technically not even the fray 2) the election itself has not been held?

According to legal experts, the Election Commission has plenty of discretionary powers. “There is enough ground for the EC to use those discretionary powers to give itself more discretionary powers,” the legal experts said.

Discretionary powers are, at a basic level, veto powers. “Constitution allows for creative reading of veto powers. So veto power is vote power, read differently” legal experts told Crank’s News.

So the Election News using this rarely used rule, which should be said still makes more sense than the ’10 person signature rule’, has declared Vishal as the winner from RK Nagar by-election.

The candidates in the fray protested the latest developments, but the Election Commission rejected the protests because “they were not submitted in the prescribed comic sans font.”

Election Commission rules mandate that all communications to it, even hand-written ones, have to be in comic sans.

The AIADMK, for its part, said that its leaders would continue to campaign in the constituency. “State Ministers from the ruling party will camp in the constituency and canvass for votes, because the alternative to it for them is to get back to their offices and work,” sources pointed out.

The main opposition DMK said “it is a sad day for democracy in the State. In Thirumangalam by-election years ago, when we knew the winner even before the contest, we adhered to the rules and waited for the formality of polling to get over, before announcing the winner. Those days of decent democracy are dead now”.

Meanwhile, reacting to his election from R K Nagar, actor Vishal said that “this victory will make me much more responsible and motivate me further”. If not to serve, then at least to choose better film scripts so that people of RK Nagar (and elsewhere) don’t have to endure films like Aambala.