Neighbourhood man finally buys something he hopes will work and is actually usable
Chennai, July 27: Today was a red-letter day for Satish Ram, a resident of Velachery, a popular Chennai neighbourhood.
Satish Ram claims to have achieved what no person has ever managed in the history of Shopping TV: Buy something that will actually work and that he hopes he will also actually use.
Satish Ram placed an order for a ‘SittingMate‘ — ‘the ergonomically-designed physical trainer and personal relaxer’. To Satish Ram’s surprise, and joy, the ‘SittingMate‘ turned out to be an every-day chair.
Rather than feel cheated that the thing announced grandly as ‘SittingMate‘, a physical trainer cum relaxer, was just a mundane chair, Satish Ram is feeling satisfied. “I am happy it is at least something that I am sure I will put to use. The stuff that I have otherwise bought on Shopping TV are anything but usable,” he explained.
The ‘SittingMate‘ ad said that the product originally cost Rs. 6501 but was being sold Rs. 2499 only, for no particular reason except perhaps for the fact that someone had actually taken the trouble of watching a Shopping TV ad.
Satish Ram said “I immediately worked out the maths. Even if the product turned out to be useless, as it usually does, I would still have a made a profit of Rs. 4002 because of buying a product costing Rs.6501 at Rs. 2499 only“.
This is the kind of logic that your brain will arrive at if you watch a lot of Shopping TV.
Satish Ram was also impressed by the fact the ‘SittingMate‘ was both a physical trainer as well as a relaxer. “The ad was very convincing,” he said and added “it had a a young woman, wearing buxom-hugging spandex outfit for no real reason, saying: ‘SittingMate‘ is simple and revolutionary — even a child can use it. For developing the calf and thigh muscles, stand in front of ‘SittingMate‘, bend your knees until your posterior cushions itself on the ergonomically-designed soft seat'”.
“The ad further said”, Satish Ram explained, “users become fit without sweating for it. The ‘SittingMate’s patented cushion — all soft yet sturdy — work on your gluteus maximus and make it firm and full.”
The ad continued: “Many of those who have used ‘SittingMate‘ have become Olympic medal winners, Nobel laureates and Pokemon Go experts. The beauty of ‘SittingMate‘ is it can be used any time. While eating. While reading a newspaper. Come to think of it, while doing nothing.”
‘SittingMate‘ is for all ages and for all sizes and shapes. And it comes in many models, from the ever-stylish wood to the trendy and classy steel. And many of our customers are so satisfied that they have ‘SittingMate‘ installed in every room.
“No matter who you are and what you are, the ‘SittingMate is made and designed specifically keeping You in mind”.
“When ‘SittingMate‘ did arrive”, Satish Ram said, “I opened the packing to find a simple chair in it. I was immediately happy that it was something that I can actually use and it can actually work. It is something that I can never say of the things that I have bought from the Shopping TV channel.”
The stuff that are advertised on Shopping TV fall in two typical categories: 1. Extremely innovative products whose chief innovation is that they work only within the confines of Shopping TV advertisement 2. Extremely handy products that the buyer will have no need for.
The first is the most interesting one. The products are usually like these:
‘Inflatable seven-seater sofa that you can fold and keep it in your wallet’. ‘
‘256-blade special vegetable chopping knife (Custom-built to not open even once).’
‘Unique denim jeans that you can wear it as a shirt when you are not wearing it as a pant’.
‘Special platinum chain with a special locket that can prevent cancer and/or zika‘.
And then there is the ‘electric chapathi maker’. To this day, the electric chapathi maker has not made even one chapathi (that normal human beings can eat) in an actual kitchen.
Anyway, Satish Ram eventually had one advice for all: “Everyone should watch Shopping TV channels, especially for entertainment. It is the most fun network ever. It is more hilarious than Barkha Dutt becoming emotional or Arnab Goswami getting angry”.
“The good news for me is,” Satish Ram said, “from now on I will watch shopping channels from the comfort of my SittingMate“.
His gluteus maximus will be happy, how about yours?