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AppLED Science!

This festival season what were the items that sold the most in the market? Our research, also known as random guessing, tells us that LED TVs and iphone 5 are doing good business.

What sets them apart from the rest? What are the interesting features in them? How long-lasting is the technology behind them? If you are looking for answers to such questions, then this is the piece that you should take care to totally avoid.

But if time-wasting is your thing, which is what both TV and phones help you to accomplish these days, then read on.

LED TVs: Till last year, LCD TVs were the major attraction. Then after some research, they found that the LED technology, which is cost-effective, could find major use in the TV industry.  But how? Well, they have gone ahead and hung LED lights, which are quite attractive, around the TV showrooms and are selling the very same LCD TVs. At least that is what I think is happening. For, as far as I can tell, there is very little difference in terms of picture quality between the LED and LCD TVs.

Anyway, LED TVs are a must if you want to enjoy HD telecasts, which will be the rage till they move on to the next stage that most likely will be VHD (Very HD) telecasts. You may want to know what is the difference between normal telecasts and HD telecasts? Let me explain with the example of the ongoing telecast of the India-England cricket series: The Ahmedabad Test match is relayed both on ESPN and Star Cricket HD. The moment you tune into the two telecasts, you can feel two things: 1) Star HD has less intrusive ads. 2) And better still, it has absolutely no intrusion in the form of Navjot Singh Sidhu.

Any technology that shuts out Navjot Singh Sidhu will always have to be rated higher.

The other big advantage of LED TVs is that most of them come with USB slots that allow you to directly plug in flash media devices (Pen drives), which as your experience with computers will doubtless tell you, is an easy and convenient way to infect your system with malicious virus.  Also, when you directly play Pen drive on TV, it allows you to enjoy what you otherwise get to experience only in computers: A television set that can ‘hang’.

LED TVs and HD telecasts combined together are providing the sharpest images that the world has ever seen to some of most insufferable serials that will be ever seen. You must love technology for this.

Apple iphone 5:  This comes with the cutting-edge technology described in layman’s terms as: Technology that cannot be described in layman’s terms.  But we will start with the looks. The new iphone is sleeker, slimmer and lighter, providing tremendous user-comfort to those trying to steal it.

The camera, an 8 megapixel one, is positioned on the top left-hand corner in the back. Going by the conventional way most of you hold the instrument, the camera’s location is ideal to feature at least some part of your fingers in most images that you click. This is a nice and practical touch, considering that in every group photo there will be a silly idiot trying to come up with a comical horn using his fingers around someone’s head.  Now, thanks to the new iphone, you yourself can be that idiot. Or to put it in the proper Apple term, i-diot.

The screen is wider than the previous version, which obviously means that you get a clearer feel of the pointless ads that you ignored previously because they were smudged at the corners because of the smaller screen in the older version.

Talking of display images, Apple uses the sui generis technological innovation ‘Retina Resolution’ that enhances the quality of the image by making you suffer from cataract so that you can see only through the corner of your eye. No actually,  ‘Retina Resolution’ is an innovation that helps mediocre photographers to think that they are smart lensmen and pushes them to upload from their mobiles totally useless photos on social media platforms.

iphone 5 runs on ios6, its latest operating system, the highlight of which is the ‘Apple Maps’, a version so impossibly advanced that it is practically useless for the current times. It essentially seems to portray a world of the future that has either suffered a nuclear war or totally ravaged by Global Warming. If you use it, it may be even possible for you to get lost while travelling from your bedroom to the attached toilet.

But as ever, the real attraction of any Apple product lies in that quintessential je ne sais quoi, that inexplicable feeling of pride that its owner gets in possessing an instrument  that is guaranteed to look totally obsolete in roughly around 300 days.

The iconic Apple iphone, which was launched just a few years ago, is consistently sought to be improved, and has already seen six variants.  But no matter which version you are in, you are sure to experience the technological philosophy that kind of defines the entire Apple ecosystem:  ‘The real deal is always in the next model’.

I know what you careful readers are already feeling. ‘Hey, wait. Isn’t the previous paragraph saying the same thing that the one prior to it did, albeit differently?’ Yeah, you’re right. But this is precisely the kind of question you will find Apple-users never asking. If they had, well, Steve Jobs would have met a totally different end. He would have died a lot less rich.

Anyway, now that I too have been caught purveying the same thing seemingly differently, perhaps I should  go the whole hog and attempt the most logical thing: Rename my column to something more suitable. My choice is i-phoney.


  • The article was printed in TNagar Talk? The only article I have read in that paper in a long time. Nice work 🙂 Would be better if critics such as you also show the positive side of our country sometime.(Yes there are some)

  • kbalakumar

    Thanks sir. I indeed work for Talk Media, the publishers of T Nagar Talk, among others. And BTW, I am not a critic or anything. Just an irresponsible humour writer. 🙂

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