Computerji, please lock Amitabh Bachchan

KBC is set to be back from next week. This is from what happened in the previous editions.

Amitabh Bachchan:  Welcome to the all new episodes of the show where they pay me several crores of rupees every week and still titularly wonder Kaun Banega Crorepati.  Yes, stupidity is the chief hallmark of this programme.  But people generally endure us because otherwise they have to settle for ‘Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Se Tez Hain’, a show that you cannot enter unless your IQ technically is in the minus and the host’s even lower.

(Heavy duty irritating music)

AB: Welcome back. Synthetic instrumental music stretching for effect is another specialty of this programme. We break into that mode between every word spoken. It helps to heighten emotions. Okay, you know it, we use it to distract you and stretch the episodes and ask ten unimaginably stupid questions over a week.

(Music: Dedan, Dedan, Dedan)

AB: Today we have ten contestants ready to take the question that will allow one of them to play the game with me. Okay, assemble the following years in the order of oldest to the latest: A) 1704 B) 1803 C) Leap Year D) None of the above

Contestants: Are the years in BC or AD? (Boom, Boom, Boom music)

AB: Hahahaha, that was exciting.  Three people have given the correct answer by not attempting the question at all. But the fastest in not responding at all is Kamlesh Shah from Gujarat. Come on Kamlesh, let us play KBC.

(AB walks up to Kamlesh and both of them shake hands and the studio audience break into laughter.  Studio audience laugh and clap for anything, including when the host just buttons his coat)

(Dan, Danadan, Boom)

AB: Kamlesh, congratulations on making it to the hot seat. Tell us about you and who have you brought along. Hopefully, he or she is more photogenic as the camera will linger more on him or her than you when you attempt to answer the questions.

Kamlesh:  My younger brother Sanklesh Shah, who is pursuing his under-under graduation in 2nd standard, is with me.

(The audience laugh. Sanklesh waves to the camera with one hand, while he picks his nose with the other)

AB: (In a needless baritone) Kamlesh, the rules are simple but we will try to complicate the situation by repeating it between every question. You have to take the maximum time and ponder as if you are in deep thought, even when we ask what day is today.

Kamlesh:  Actually what day is today? Nobody in this shooting floor has  any clue on it as we are cooped up here for what seems an eternity.

(The audience laugh. The music blares. Sanklesh continues to pick his nose)

AB: Ok, are you ready? Let’s play for 1000 rupees. Your first question is: Who in the following is not an Indian international cricketer?  A) Sachin Tendulkar B) Sachin Tendulkar C) Sachin Tendulkar D) The Bakra Nangal Dam

Kamlesh: (Squints his eyes to convey the idea of being in deep thought) I am not sure whether it is B or C

(The audience groan, Sanklesh hits his forehead with his palm) (Doom, Dhan, Dhaan)

AB: It’s a toughie, nah? Remember, you have three lifelines. Phone a friend, 50-50 and Audience Poll.  You can also quit the game at this point and still retain the zero money you have earned so far).

Kamlesh: (Looking even more bewildered) I think I will go for audience poll. They all seem to know the right answer.

AB: Kamlesh, so you want to go for the Audience Poll?

Kamlesh: Why do you keep repeating what I say?

AB: That’s one of the big traditions of this games show. So you want to go for Audience Poll? You want to rely on the intelligence of the people who have gathered here with full enthusiasm on this weekday morning, knowing full well that they will not get to take home even a single rupee? And you totally believe that these people will help you win rupees one crore. That’s a good choice, Kamlesh.

(Between bouts of maniacal music, AB repeats the question that he repeated several times to Kamlesh just ago) (The computer screen shows the voting percentage)

AB: Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho! This is interesting. 20 per cent think it’s A, 20 per cent think it’s B, 20 per cent  think it’s C, and the remaining percentage have gone for the option E which we didn’t provide at all.

Kamlesh: I am confused now. When I started I didn’t know the answer. Now I don’t know the question as well.

AB: I need your final answer so that I can lock the computer. I will keep repeating ‘lock the computer’ pointlessly so that it will help us further stretch the episode

(Sanklesh holds a placard that reads ‘D’ and another that read ‘You Morons’)

Kamlesh: I think I will go for D. But I am not sure.

AB: Ok, we will lock D. (Pauses dramatically while the music plays loudly enough to be heard in other galaxies and possibly trigger tsunamis). And the answer is indeed D, the one who is not an Indian international cricketer in the list is indeed Bhakra Nangal Dam. And Kamlesh wins Rs.1000 for his brilliant answer.

AB: Shall we move on to the next question, which will be for Rs.2000? How many wheels are there in a standard bicycle A) Zero B) Less than three but more than one C) Bhakra Nangal Dam  D) Manmohan Singh

(Pompom. More high blast music)

AB: AB that brings us to the end of this episode. We will be back tomorrow to play more music and more music and answer the question day after tomorrow.