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Crank News: Child-less couples lack gene protein to have grand kids: Study

‘W’ and ‘Z’ chromosomes to determine the sex of grandchildren

Geneva: In a research finding that will have far-reaching implications, scientists today claimed those parents without kids also lack the gene protein that helps to have grandchildren.

Researchers attached to the Stretch Genes and Never Slack Institute of Science — situated in Bermudas — who had carried out this path-breaking study on a multi-government grant of several billion dollars, said that they meticulously mapped the gene of all those parents who didn’t have any children of their own. ‘We carried this in-depth study across five continents and some islands involving over 1,000 child-less couples,’ said Craig Denim.

Denim, who is the foremost name in the study of genes, said the chief finding of their research was that the child-less couples lacked the vital gene protein, which enables the birth of grandchildren.

Revealing the name of the gene protein to be ‘enzoprotomoto’ also playfully known as the ‘grand kid gene’, Denim pointed out that their research confirmed the absence of this substance in all the over 100 child-less couples they subjected to test.

‘Remarkably none of them had even traces of enzoprotomoto,’ he asserted. ‘This is a finding that will possibly help us to unravel the conundrum as to why child-less husband-and-wife also ended up not having any grandchildren of their own.

Enzoprotomoto is generally embedded in the genetic crevices and is believed to possess, what the scientists call, the secret formula for creating grandchildren.

‘Civilizations have progressed and arrived at where we are now due to the gene protein enzoprotomoto,’ said another scientist John Dungaree, who is also an expert in genetic studies. ‘Children are important in the human chain, But, when you get down to it, grandchildren are even more important to keep the chain going. Without grandchildren human race would have been long dead. We have empirical evidence for that’.

Dungaree said the said it is well-known ‘X’ and ‘Y’ chromosomes and their eventual combination determine the sex of a child. ‘It has now emerged, thanks to our study, that there may be a possibility of ‘Z’ and ‘W’ chromosomes which may determine the sex of the grandchild,’

‘It’s an intriguing possibility. We were thinking them to be chromo’somes’. But now it turns out that they were chromo’many’, ‘Dungaree chuckled.

Both Denim and Dungaree suggested that the governments of the world should unite in sponsoring a further study, which will involve billions and billions of whatever currency you calculate in, to understand the multifarious capability of the new chromosomes.’

However, Denim claimed that the immediate challenge facing the scientific community was to carry out gene mapping of those child-less couples who opt for adoption. ‘During our research we understood that who adopted kids also more or less ended up having grand kids,’ he said and added ‘if they had grand kids then they must have enzoprotomoto gene protein. So our mission is to figure out whether this gene protein has the scientific quality to automatically lend itself for adoption whenever a kid is adopted’. Scientists are also looking into the possibility to understand whether the invaluable gene protein is also available for rent.

‘Ever since we zeroed in on enzoprotomoto, our mission has been to understand its various possibilities. We are also looking into the matter of why some couple despite having children end up not having grandchildren. Some of the couples we interviewed said their children had chosen to remain single and practice celibacy. In which case, our theory is those practising celibacy ended up harming  ‘enzoprotomoto’ protein in their parents’.

Among the various other seminal projects lined up by the Stretch Genes and Never Slack Institute of Science is the one on the chromosomal combination required to beget grand nieces, grand nephews great grandchildren. ‘This is a never ending but fascinating research,’ Denim said. Our ultimate aim is to understand how the entire spectrum of human relationships happens. Who knows, we may, one day, also end up cracking the ultimate the puzzle human kind has always grappled with: ‘Which DNA molecule decides mothers-in-law to be the demons they inevitably are?’.

(Disclaimer: We only hope such researches are not already underway)

  • At last… now I understood what they meant when scientists spoke of genetic “engineering”. I think the above feature should make it to journalism textbooks as an engineering marvel… At least we can get to laugh a bit unlike the outrage I feel when faced with similar engineering on news channels every night!

  • MN

    Okay – I know what I’m going to type has nothing whatsoever with the topic of this article.
    How would Hindu people react if someone were to burn a copy of say Bhagawath Geetha or Shiv Puran or Sashti Kavacham? Frankly, I (as a Hindu) will care two hoots and grant him not just the freedom to burn those books (which are pieces of paper) but also go straight ahead and make mockery or even insult Hindu Gods & Goddesses. It is really simple – a dog has to bark & a rabbit’s breakfast has a lot to do with it’s previously consumed food.
    Now, to us this act might appear disgusting – but it is the nature of certain entities to indulge in disgusting activities. As a civilized individual (or someone who hopes to be one some day in the future), I wouldn’t give the act of burning papers too much of attention.
    However, uncivilized & self-loathing individuals will go out of their way to exhibit their DHIMMI-attitude by speaking against a tiny non-potent Pastor of Gainesville, FL and try to restrict his freedom to express. If it is okay for Muslims to destroy non-Muslim places of worship (I’d like to start the list of places destroyed with Kaaba where more than 300 Pagan Arab idols were destroyed) – how is it that they can’t accept a mere Pastor of Dove Convention burning a few pieces of paper.
    After all, aren’t the Muslims the ones who denigrate us ‘IDOL’ worshippers as attaching too much importance to mere stones? Now, why give so much importance to mere paper?
    God Bless America & God Bless Pastor Dr. Terry Jones
    Though I’m not an American & I’m completely neutral about an act of burning books – I support this Pastor for his extreme & yet daring/ bold initiative.
    I suggest he also burn a few copies of Hindu, Jain, Buddhist & Jewish books – simply to show the difference in how “world” leaders respond.
    Thanks ~!

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