Crank News: Global Warming hastens Christmas to Oct 17

Scientists warn Fridays may fall on Wednesdays

Paris: Scientists attached to the WUPL today cautioned the world that the effects of global warming were far worse than was originally believed, and predicted that due to its deleterious impact Christmas may fall on October 17 this year.

If the world does not act immediately, in the future there will be more cataclysmic events like Fridays falling on Wednesdays or, worse, Sundays being sucked into Mondays, the WUPL said in a press conference, which was originally scheduled for next week, but was pushed by the surging oceanic pressure triggered by global warming.

Warnings Unlimited Pvt Limited (WUPL), which is the world’s apex scientific body that issues weird warnings that nobody pays much heed to, said the stratospheric currents and other scientific gobbledygook that have turned Meteorological officials stupider than they usually are, seem to be influencing an ‘upward thrust’ on Christmas. ‘Since winters are advancing, so will Christmas, which is a winter phenomenon (in the Northern Hemisphere),’ said Paddy Rice, a weathered scientist, who heads WUPL’s Whether Bureau, which deals with issues relating to climate (hence whether).

The ‘upward thrust’ has the potential to physically move Christmas from December and beyond November, into October, he elaborated, pointing to the various sketches in his hand. The sketches, based on precise scientific calculations, clearly established that October is a month marked on the calendar.

‘If our calculations are right, Christmas will happen on October 17,’ Paddy revealed and scientifically pointed his finger at October 17 on the calendar. ‘We also made a lucky discovery,’ he said. ‘We figured out it’s a weekend. People will be at home and will be in a position to celebrate the festival.’

Paddy Rice, who is a grizzly veteran in the field, and has carried out enormous research into weather patterns by personally looking out the window, said the scenario was worrisome and tricky. ‘If the situation is not arrested, Christmas may end up in May or April. Just imagine the consequences,’ Rice said, obliquely referring to the fact that those used to celebrating the Christmas in sweaters and woolens would look hilariously stupid in that costume during the summer months of April or may.

Asked whether the ‘pushing up’ of Christmas will impact a similar force on the New Year too, Paddy Rice said that his team of scientists was waiting and watching. ‘We are waiting for the grants from the various governments to arrive. Once that comes, we will begin to fix our gaze outside our windows to watch more weather. If we find the New Year, too, being lifted we will sound the warning bells immediately’. As of now, he said, we are focussed on the grants.

To the charge that he and his team was unduly alarmist, Paddy Rice responded in rhetoric: ‘You may think us to be silly and our predictions puerile. But look around you, things are changing dramatically beyond easy comprehension’.

‘Why is Vishwanathan Anand, born and brought up in India, not deemed an Indian, while Sonia Gandhi, born and brought up in Italy, legally declared an Indian? The effects of global warming are such that it can impact the national identities of individuals,’ Paddy pointed out helpfully. But he was not sure whether global warming was the reason for the confusion over whether Barrack Obama is a Christian or a Muslm. ‘We need more grants to find out this truth. You can’t rule anything out, as such Obama, under the influence of global warming, may actually turn out to be a Zorastrian’.

Paddy Rice added that their study suggested that unless quick action was taken by the world at large, things might become dangerously dicey. ‘For instance, Friday runs the risk of totally becoming a Wednesday and then totally spoiling your Thursday. This is because of the surging oceans, which is eating into established structures and systems’.

Asked what else will be impacted by the global warming process, Paddy Rice cryptically said: ‘you name it.’  It’s quite possible that since every order in the world has come under question, even the letters of the alphabet may be thrown into a tizzy. ‘The English alphabet may even begin with ‘Q’,’ he said enigmatically. ‘Z may not be the end, too. Climatic will be climactic,’ he said stretching desperately for effect.

Obviously, the last word will go to global warming, he concluded.

(Disclaimer: It’s a spoof. But don’t sue us if it turns out to be true)