Crank News: Govt bans PowerPoint presentations

It’s an extreme terrorist activity, says Home Ministry

New Delhi: The Union Home Ministry, in its continuing crack down on the multifarious use of technology to deter terrorist operations, today decided to clamp down on PowerPoint presentations all across the country.

A spokesperson of the Home Ministry said that the ban on the use of PowerPoint facility has been announced with retrospective effect from April 1, 2010.

Consequently, no PowerPoint presentation in any manner can be made in the country any more, and all the ones made since April 1 will stand null and void, said the Home Ministry official.

‘The decision has been taken based on the intelligence inputs from the armed forces, the State police departments, the heads of Boy Scouts and Guides in schools and the private chowkidars in every apartment complex,’ the official added.

Asked whether there have been established instances of terror groups using PowerPoint presentations to spread trouble, the official answered in the negative. But he, however, added: ‘The fact the groups like the LeT, the JuM, the al-Qaeda, have not so far used PowerPoint presentations does not rule out the possibility that they will not employ them in the future. It’s better to be stupid than be sorry in security matters’.

Home Ministry sources clarified that the ban on PowerPoint use has been made based on a cleverly conceived plan to be one step ahead of the trouble-mongers. ‘I think we were caught off guard when Pakistani hackers managed to deface Vijay Mallaya’s website,’ the Home Ministry official confessed. ‘If we had taken the proactive decision to ban Vijay Mallaya totally (in the interests of the country) such a predicament would not have befallen us’.

Categorically denying the charges that the ban was draconian, Home Ministry sources explained that the original intention was to prohibit the use of PowerPoint by terrorists alone. ‘But our intelligence inputs clearly established that all use of PowerPoint falls under extreme terrorist activity’.  Anybody who has sat through corporate presentations will vouch for this, he added.

Asked how the Home Ministry hoped to implement the ban, the official said a group of top-ranked bureaucrats had recently made an emergency trip for four months to Switzerland, Bali, Hawaii, South Africa and Brazil to get more international insight into the whole affair. ‘They have submitted a well-analysed dossier. They have professionally gleaned from their discussions and interactions that such a ban does not exist in the places they had visited. This makes it clear that India is the world leader, actually a pioneer, in banning PowerPoint presentations’. It is most likely that the ban will be implemented by a healthy mix of strict warning and stricter warning.

Meanwhile, it is also leant that the government may not move for a Constitutional amendment in the matter, especially considering the fact that the use of PowerPoint is no Constitutionally guaranteed right. ‘But anyway, not wanting to take chances, a Constitutional Core Group, involving legal luminaries, has been constituted to look into the whole gamut of issues and find out whether Ambedkar, the father of Indian Constitution, had heard of PowerPoint presentations,’ an official in the PMO said.

But today’s decision by the Home Ministry has shocked all the MBA types, even while it has come as a total relief to normal human beings.

‘It’s an underhand way of banning the management personnel,’ cried a plaintive looking spokesperson for The Association For The Compulsive Tie-Wearers Even At 110 Degree Celsius, the apex body for all the MBAs in the country. ‘What are we to do now? We can’t even explain our case to the Home Minister, because we can’t make any presentation without the use of PowerPoint’, he added.

The spokesperson also said that since the ban has been made with retrospective effect we have to go back to our clients and make them suffer amnesia. ‘There is a technical difficulty here,’ he said, ‘for many of our clients are still in coma due to our PowerPoint presentations. How do we make them amnesic?’

According to a recent study by the McKinsey group on management professionals, it had been found that a typical employed MBA spends at least 12 hours a day just preparing slides for PowerPoint presentations to introduce themselves before making PowerPoint presentations. The survey also found that corporate employees also focussed much of their energies on: ‘1. Attending meetings, coming out and dissing those very meetings. 2.  E-mail forwards (most likely involving bad jokes on bosses)’.

Meanwhile, in a related development, the Minority Association has strongly condemned the government for its anti-minority move to ban PowerPoint presentations. ‘To ban PowerPoint presentations when none of us in the minority groups know what exactly is a PowerPoint presentation is an extreme step,’ he said.

(Disclaimer: This is an extremely distorted news. But don’t lie, we know that you really wish for such a ban).