Crank News: Govt prohibits inflation

Radical plan to tackle rising prices

New Delhi: The Union Finance Ministry and the Planning Commission today unveiled a radical and innovative plan to curb the price rise and counter the galloping inflation.

The Chairman of the Planning Commission announced, to a crowded press conference, that from midnight today the government will stop tracking the inflation and then computing them. ‘In other words the government is technically abolishing the idea of inflation itself,’ the Plan Panel chief said. ‘We looked at the price rise situation. As economists, we realised the problem was the inflation and so we came to the conclusion that the country was better off without it’.

He warned that anyone trying to compute inflation, either in public or in private, will be strictly dealt with by the appropriate draconian sections of economics.

Terming the new move as a master stroke that might show the way for other countries too, the Plan Panel chief said: ‘We have taken the deregulation and liberalisation to their most logical levels. It’s a mystery to even us as to why we did not think of this out-of-the-box solution before itself’.

It is elementary logic to figure out that the inflation is there because you allow it to be there and also keep on acknowledging its presence by tracking it, a spokesperson of the Finance Ministry said. ‘From now on we wouldn’t acknowledge inflation at all. We will not even imagine it’s there. Let’s see how it reacts’.

Confessing that they were heavily inspired by how the Punjab problem was tackled in the 1980s, the spokesperson went into a big flashback mode: ‘Remember how the Punjab problem was solved? Terrorists were demanding a separate Khalistan, and to drive home their idea they were killing people by the dozens on an hourly basis. But the government of the day was stubbornly steadfast and equal to the occasion as it went about its essential business of doing not much of anything. It’s also quite possible that the government was so carefully unconcerned that it might not have even known that Punjab was festering. Eventually it came to a situation where the impassioned terrorists were simply bored with their chore that they decided to do something else which at least had a chance of eliciting response from the authorities or anybody else’.

The Finance Ministry personnel also had a suggestion for the Home Ministry. This is a well thought out plan that might as well work in Kashmir if only the authorities don’t botch it up by their overzealousness of trying to reason out with the ultras or holding peace-talks with them.

‘If the government is faced with the question, ‘what about Kashmir issue?’ its response has to be, ‘yes, what about Kashmir? And while we are at it, where is Kashmir?’ This simple expedience will ensure that the troublemakers will shift to a place where the authorities at least know which part is where’, he added.

Delving in depth on the imaginative process that led to the remarkable solution of abolishing the inflation, the Planning Commission officials said that initially their idea was to go the whole hog and abolish the entirety of the economy itself. ‘But that will amount to chopping the branch one is sitting on. Without the economy, there will be no Planning Commission and without the Planning Commission there can be no personal economy for us’. In the scenario, the braintrusts of the country’s economy and finance decided to banish inflation alone so that they could continue to draw salary.

Inflation has an interesting history world over. In Argentina, in the mid 90s and early 2000s, inflation levels were so pronounced that it was said to be visible even from the moon. The Argentine government finally emerged out of the crisis as all the calculators used to compute inflation had become too costly to buy.

‘We could not have waited till that to happen,’ the Finance Ministry spokesperson said. ‘Already nobody is buying any calculators; everyone is going in for laptops straight away’.
The Finance Ministry official said the big problem they faced with the ‘headline inflation’ was the description itself.

‘With such a term, there was no way we could have stopped it from making the headlines. If it had been named ‘Sports Inflation’, it could at least have been buried in the sports pages. But with ‘headline inflation’ it was begging to be read’.

Queried specifically as to what are the major implications of abolishing the inflation, the Finance Ministry official said: for starters, without the reports on the inflation newspapers would have to look for suitably boring reports that people would not read. ‘But they still have weather reports and editorials’.

The Finance Ministry official, however, conceded that without the benefit of inflation numbers calculated by highly experienced and skilled economists, the common people would have to figure out themselves whether the prices of the goods they are anyway buying are rising or not.

(Disclaimer: You know this is spoof. But think it over, heaven is not going to fall on our heads if the inflation figures are not computed. And it will make our newspapers less dreary too.)