Crank’s News: Anna Hazare to become yoga instructor

“Flexibility vital to reach black money stashed in dark troves”

New Delhi: Considering the fact that Baba Ramdev is stealing its thunder on the high-profile fight against corruption and black money, the Anna Hazare camp has chalked up a big plan to wrest back the initiative.

‘It’s our movement. It’s our brainchild. We were going out on a limb for this cause. But this Ramdev fellow is now flexing his muscles and the government is bending backwards to please him. Worse, our leader is now reduced to just cooling his heels,’ said a close aide of Anna Hazare, delivering a body blow to the English language.

‘When you look at the situation dispassionately you will realise Baba Ramdev has garnered so many supporters because as a leader he is flexible. Moreover, flexibility is the key if you have to indeed reach all the black money stashed in those surreptitious corners of dark troves,’ he added.

People were wringing their hands, kicking their foot, shrugging their shoulders, turning up their nose, arching their eyebrows, smirking their lips, shaking their head against corruption. In other words, they were virtually performing some yoga against venality.  So, it is only in the fitness of things that Anna Hazare becomes a yoga instructor and wins over their heart. Soon we expect Anna saab to have a body of work to match Ramdev’s, the aide explained.

Anna saab’s first yoga video instruction will have him stand up —- ‘rise-sasana’ — without the help of any aide. ‘Let’s be practical here. At his age, we cannot have him attempting anything fancy. It will only tie him in knots,’ the aide pointed out.

‘So we start off with the simple but highly difficult asana of standing up without any help. We will of course turn it around by making it symbolic of standing up against the forces of corruption’, he added. ‘We will follow this up with the demonstration of Dushasana, where Anna saab will perform the equally symbolic yogic exercise of disrobing venal people occupying high offices and exposing their true colours’.

Anna Hazare’s aide confessed that it was difficult converting his leader into a true-blue yoga instructor so late in his life. ‘As a yoga guru, there are certain aspects you must have acquired quite early in your career. For example, the beard.  Without that it’s hard to convince people that you are a yoga instructor. But with a beard Anna Hazare will be —1) Laughable. 2) Unidentifiable,’ the aide said.

‘Anna Hazare’s unique identity is his mild Sitaram Kesri look. We didn’t want to lose that at any cost’.

The thinking in Anna Hazare’s camp is that even if their leader fails to win back his vaunted position in the anti-corruption movement, by becoming a yoga guru he can hit Baba Ramdev where it hurts the most and secure all his bases. ‘Soon all the primetime slots in Sahara channels will be ours,’ beamed the aide conspiratorially.

Meanwhile, with the anti-corruption movement seemingly taken over by Baba Ramdev, leaders of the Muslim community have written to the Union government seeking to keep their community away from the purview of the proposed Lok Pal Bill.

‘Yoga, you will appreciate, is unislamic,’ the leaders said and added ‘with the fate of the Lok Pal Bill set to be decided by Ramdev, it will be impossible for us to fall in line with anything that will be technically laid down by a yoga teacher’.

The Muslim leaders also impressed upon the government the need for a separate Lok Pal Bill for the sake of minorities.

On the question of whether the Prime Minister and the chief judicial officers of the county should fall under the ambit of the Lok Pal Bill, the Muslim leaders were of the opinion that there cannot be any exemption for anyone except on the humanitarian grounds of minorityism.

Elsewhere, a Minister who is part of the drafting committee on the Lok Pal Bill said the government is now looking for a consensus on whether we should have consensus on this matter or not.

‘When we sat for the deliberations, one thing that was impossible to arrive at was consensus on the issue of consensus. Even the members of the civil society were deeply divided over this,’ the Minister said and added: ‘our primary task now is to work for consensus on consensus. We will write to all the personal assistants of the Chief Ministers to understand the minds of the Chief Ministers.’

Agreeing that it was a long-drawn process, the Minister said a Bill as important as the Lok Pal one cannot be passed unless every citizen of this country is convinced of its need. ‘It might take several centuries. But it will be worth the wait.’

(Disclaimer: Humour columns don’t fall under the purview of defamation laws)