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Crank’s News: Delhi, B’lore to have beach by 2030

NEW DELHI: In a rare good news to come the way of newspaper readers in many years, environmental scientists have pointed out that the hastening global warming process and the resultant rise in oceanic waters can lead to positive developments in the tourism industry, like a seafront in places like Delhi, Bangalore.

‘As per our calculations, in around 20 years, before the time they can make up their mind on whether to have a JPC on the 2G scam or not, Delhi will boast of a very scenic and modern beach. Ditto for Bangalore,’ Pavan Warma, an obvious Global Warming expert said here at the sidelines of a seminar discussing the impact of seminars on environmental issues.

‘When they said, if Mohammad does not go to the mountain, the mountain will go to him, they were tacitly pointing to the melting away of polar caps and other peaks. And now they have to expand the saying to: if Bangalore does not go to the beach, the Kingfisher calendar shoot will have to happen elsewhere. Sorry, I meant something else. But you get the gist of it,’ Warma said.

Asked whether Kolkata also figures in the beach expansion process, the scientist answered in the negative. ‘I am afraid Kolkata is not in the list. Global warming may be a relentless phenomenon. However, it’s not relentless and powerful enough to overcome the Left trade unions, who, as everyone knows, are in charge of the green gas emissions’.

But Warma added: ‘Do Kolkattans really need beach? Don’t they have many? I mean ask a Bong to pronounce ‘fish’, you will understand what I am saying’.

Warma also pointed out that both the Bay of Bengal as well as the Arabian Sea are obviously making a beeline towards Delhi. ‘If they continue with their onward march, Delhi will have a tryst with new history, sorry I meant, new geography. ‘Since the two seas are closing in on Delhi, we might even have two beaches in one city,’ Warma said excitedly. As per indications, one beach will come under the control of the Central government while the other (most likely the Arabian sea one)  may fall under the purview of the local State government, which might earmark it for the sole use of minorities from the Old Delhi area.

However, Warma said, Bangalore has to contend with just one sea. ‘Even nature knows where the power is,’ he added.

Stating that the global warming process was a two-way street, Warma said while the seas may be surging towards new cities, Delhi, for its part, is expanding faster than any sea can. Already Delhi’s outskirts are in UP and other States. It’s only a matter of time before Delhi’s city limits actually ends in AP or Karnataka.

‘As scientists, our job now is to figure out whether Delhi’s expansion can gobble up seas and oceans. We cannot belittle the power of Delhi’s realtors,’ Warma said, as he hurried back into the seminar, in which it will also be decided where the next seminar will be held.

The news of a new beach in Delhi has sent the city’s residents into a tizzy of excitement. ‘Just imagine a beach in Delhi. Will it not be great? Okay, a beach may not compare well with a tomb or fort, which come with facilities to scrawl Chunnu & Munnu Ki Shahar, but still…’ trailed off an excited Pramjit Khullar, even as he high-fived with his mates at a dhaba. ‘We may even think of tandoori fish,’ he added for good measure.

Meanwhile, the impending arrival of beach is seen as a shot in the arm for the Delhi government. ‘We are the national capital now, and once we have the beach we will be the global warming headquarters, too,’ a visibly happy Sheila Dixit said.

‘Ok, we may have lost many cities to the surging sea. Those who suffered because of that were anyway already suffering,’ she said and added, ‘as politicians we stand vindicated today. But at this momentous hour, we should also not forget the contribution of the Central government and Parliament, without which enormous green gas emissions to hasten the global warming process could not have been possible’.

In a related development, women’s organisations have protested the arrival of beach in Delhi. ‘Already women are not safe here. A beach will provide one more space for the louts to do bathameezi,’ a spokesperson of a women’s organisation said before hurrying off to a candlelight campaign against beach, titled Beech Me Beach kyon?

(Disclaimer: If you don’t smile at this, we have to conclude that Global Warming affects sense of humour too, especially yours)

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  • And imagine how interesting Parliament sessions can be once Delhi gets a beach. They could earmark an area called “Tere Mere Beach Mein” for regular mud-slinging matches though one believes having mud wrestling between the likes of Mme. Swaraj and Sonia might just be considered obscene. And once we have a beach in Bangalore, the CM may well change his name to Chaddiavurappa!

  • MN

    Will they have a Tsunami too – especially in the beaches of Delhi?

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