Crank’s News: Global warming found to have retrospective effect

‘Greenhouse gas emissions gobbled up two days in Feb’

Chicago: Scientists seem to have stumbled on to a convincing answer to the conundrum of ‘why just 28 days in February’.

According to a team of researchers attached to the Warnings Unlimited Pvt Limited (WUPL), which is the world’s apex scientific body that issues weird warnings that nobody pays much heed to, the truncated month of February is the result of global warming, which has been found to be dangerous enough to cause damage with retrospective effect.

‘At WUPL, we not only look at the future but also at the past to drop regular warnings. As scientists, February was always a problematic month for us, especially because it had lesser days to claim the all-important allowances,’ said George Leap, the head scientist (Analysis of of Calendar) of WUPL.

‘Anyway, when we put February under the microscope and imparted several tests on it, interestingly we found traces of the dates 29, 30 and 31 in it. At least ’29’ managed to manifest itself every fourth year. The other two dates, however, had become absolutely dormant,’ he explained, giving the much-needed insight into the scientific rationale.

Initially, the scientists thought that ’30’ and ’31’ had become victims of the dreaded recession. But then they discounted that possibility because as scientists they had to come up with a scientific reason and not an economic one.

‘After looking at the various possibilities and permutations, we decided global warming to be safest explanation, as it had become the norm of the day. From then on, to arrive at the conclusion of global warming having retrospective effect was elementary science,’ said Steve Solstice, a leading scientist, also said to be a phenomenon in the Yearly Calendar Analysis team.

‘It’s well established that the effects of global warming hasten the end of the world. It’s also axiomatic that the world will end early when there are lesser days in the calendar. By this we can deduce that February ended up with fewer days because of Global Warming,’ Solstice added.

‘It’s quite possible that the other months too might have lost some dates. And plausibly, a year might have had 400 days before the deleterious effects of global warming kicked in ferociously. Those are in the realms of possibility,’ Solstice pointed out.

‘But, as of now, we are not researching them. Our focus is primarily centered on February. Our target is to restore the lost dates of that month and then claim allowances on those missed out days. We will claim the allowances on a retrospective basis to scientifically even out the retrospective effects of global warming’, George Leap said and added: ‘We cannot tamper the future. But we can surely fiddle the past, nah?’

Asked what else might have been affected by the global warming process, Leap cryptically said: ‘you name it.’  It’s quite possible that every order in the world had been impacted. For instance, even the letters of the alphabet. ‘If dates had been eaten away, the same fate might have befallen letters and words’.

‘For all we cared, the English alphabet might have harboured more letters than the 26 we are stuck with now. We need to go on a thorough research if we intend to know in future what past had in store for us,’ Leap said and added the need of the hour is complete analysis for which the need of the minute is more grants from very many sources.

Warning that the time is running out for the world because of the inexorable effects of global warming, Leap asserted that in the long run we are all dead. ‘So we need to make money when we are alive. This is the biggest truth, both scientifically and economically. This is also the one rule that will survive even the worst of global warming crisis’.

Meanwhile, in a related development, world scientists have ruled out the possibility of global warming being the main culprit for Akshay Kumar’s appalling dress sense. ‘ To be sure, global warming can have very dangerous consequences. But it’s still not so sinister to totally dry out a person’s brain and make him dress atrociously as Akshay does. We think, Akshay’s bad taste in dresses is bigger than any natural phenomenon,’ the scientists said.

(Disclaimer: Global warming has surely got to us)