Crank’s News: Indian cricket team to get a Toss Coach

BCCI says it doesn’t want anything left to chance

Mumbai: Under the helm of Mahendra Singh Dhoni, India may be the number one ranked Test team in the world.  But the BCCI (Board of Control for Cricket in India) seems to see a big chink in his captaincy armour —- his continued lack of form with the all-important toss. And with a view to addressing this lacuna, the BCCI today announced the most radical plan of appointing a Toss Coach for the Indian team.

‘This is the first of its kind in the history of sports. As a cricketing administrative body with a modern outlook, we have shown the way for others,’ a BCCI spokesperson crowed.

Explaining the rationale behind the appointment of the Toss Coach, the BCCI spokesperson, who was not Rajiv Shukla because he was able to speak in full sentences, said: ‘The most important thing in a cricketing contest is, of course, the advertising revenue. But after that the toss is the most vital aspect. India may have been winning matches but we cannot overlook the fact that we have been also losing tosses with alarming regularity.’

‘What’s the point in winning the war and still losing the battle’, the BCCI spokesperson said, not minding the fact that he had completely mixed and messed up a popular idiom.

‘Dhoni had lost 9 tosses in a row before the first Test against the New Zealanders. Dhoni managed to stem the rot at Ahmedabad. But there is no guarantee that he won’t fall back on bad ways again. And it’s not just the Tests, there is the World Cup which will be held in the sub-continent. As one of the hosts we cannot allow the mortification of the local captain enduring a bad patch with the tosses to continue. If we want to retain the number Test status for long and also harbour ideas of doing well in the forthcoming World Cup, we needed to be proactive and take immediate steps and ensure. Hence the Toss Coach’, the BCCI spokesperson said.

Asked how the toss, whose outcome is essentially uncontrollable, can be sought to be practised, the BCCI spokesperson retorted: What about Yuvraj Singh and Andrew Symonds. They are, generally, more uncontrollable than the outcome of the toss.’

The modern, professional game is all about removing all the imponderables. That is why we hastened the retirement of Ajith Agarkar from international cricket. ‘We don’t want anything to be left to chance’, the BCCI spokesman said with a finality that is technically possible to acquire only if you are terminally stupid.

When reporters questioned as to what the Toss Coach will exactly do, the BCCI spokesperson said, ‘he will do what all the support staff and the thinktank professionally do: Travel with the team, that is.’

And the Toss Coach is also expected to sit intently with a laptop in front whenever the team is faced with a tight situation in the middle so that the cameras can pan on him.

The weight of the coin, the pressure of the flip, the local wind conditions and the captain’s luck mostly decide the eventual outcome of the toss. ‘Taking these things into account, we are also planning to appoint a numismatist, a physicist, a meteorologist and an astrologer to work in close conjunction with the Toss Coach,’ the BCCI spokesperson said and added ‘with these appointments the total support staff who will travel with the 15-member team will reach 194. If anybody thinks that the entourage is huge, we don’t mind doing away with a few players’.

‘At the BCCI, we have realised one thing long ago, which is the second least important thing in the overall cricketing set-up is the players. The first least important thing is, of course, the paying public. That is why we don’t bother much about them,’ the BCCI spokesperson said, laying bare the overall philosophy that had guided the organisation for so long.

Reacting to the appointment of the Toss Coach, captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni said, ‘yes, of course, toss is important. Coach is important, yes of course.’

Meanwhile, it’s said that former skipper Sourav Ganguly is one of the frontrunners for the job of first Toss Coach of the Indian team. ‘His record is exceptional. Forget the outcome of the toss, he kept everyone guessing as to when he will come out for the toss. We need his skills now the most,’ a BCCI source said.

Meanwhile, in an inevitable development, the Association of Spoof and Satirists (ASSES) today approached the International Cricket Council with the demand to totally ban Pakistan cricket. ‘Even in the best of times only a few people read us. With Pakistan cricket and its happenings, people just don’t find a need for spoof and satire,’ they said in a memorandum and added ‘the joke is on us now. And it’s not funny’.

(Disclaimer: The part about Pakistan cricket is not a joke)