Crank’s News: Stop eating whatever you’re eating, scientists warn

Also: How to die when you are completely healthy

Washington: In a path-breaking research, top scientists have found that whatever you eat can cause any dreadful disease for which there is little cure.

Releasing the findings of the pioneering study undertaken by Society to Transmit Universal Fear and Falsehoods (STUFF), Professor Tom Morgue, who is the head of the team that undertook this five-year long research, said: ‘Rice. Wheat. Pencil bottoms that you feasted on while in kindergarten. Vegetarian. Non-Vegetarian. Chicken Soup for the Soul. Red Meat that is black because of overheating. Fat-free, Fibre-filled, Salt-less, Sugar-no and Taste-never. Tandoori Chopsuey. Karaikudi Pasta. Lucknowi Vathakuzhambu. Mexican Morkoozh. Cardboard Pieces That Are Infinitely Tastier Than The British Food. It doesn’t matter what you eat. The fact of the matter is all of these is capable of causing extremely fatal diseases’.

The choice before humanity is to eat any of these and die or die without eating any of these, Morgue said gravely.

‘Our research pathologically establishes that you can’t escape death, contrary to what you may believe when enrolling in a gym or starting on a diet’, he said dryly.

‘The study was thorough and exhaustive. We screened all those who died of debilitating illnesses across the world,’ Morgue said, giving the background to their research process. ‘Remarkably, every one of them had a food pattern. But none of them had the same food pattern. Thereafter we worked for nearly two years and made the advanced scientific deduction that eating is the problem and not what is eaten’.

The trail-blazing study will now nullify all the researches that scare the gut out of (Editor’s note: actually he said ‘scare the shit out of’, but since the conservative readers amongst you may turn your nose up against the use of the word ‘shit’, we thoughtfully refrained from using the word ‘shit’. Henceforth all references in this report to ‘gut’ should be deemed as a careful euphemism for ‘shit.’) you when you read about them in your morning newspaper, Morgue pointed out. ‘Our research findings will make every other less scary’.

No longer people need to be alarmed over reports like ‘No-fruit-diet is an open invitation for cancer’. Thanks to our findings people can be rest assured that a fruit-filled diet is equally an open invitation for cancer, he asserted.

Stating that the chief reason for the research was to dispel the many misconceptions wracking the mind of common people over what to eat and what to avoid, the STUFF chief said: One categorical rule in these things is: ‘You are eating wrong. Always.’

Morgue, however, added that the happy news for you is: ‘every other person in this world is also eating wrong’.

‘If there had been an ideal diet, every time you eat it you would have been moving away from death. But, as we know it, every day we are only moving closer to our death,’ Morgue solemnly said. ‘In fact some people who diet rigorously, eventually reach a stage when death becomes a happier option’.

If dieticians ruled the world, a situation will eventually come when there is no need for humanity to grow rice, wheat or any other product, except possibly oats and some truly insufferable vegetables like cabbage, which upon cooking emanate a smell that is not unlike the one you usually encounter in an elevator when somebody has broken wind, Morgue said.

Dieticians’ magic plan is to convince you to eat oats at every conceivable occasion, including your wedding reception dinner. For the record, it’s the fear of having to consume oats that made horses acquire the ability to gallop, the STUFF chief explained.

Asserting that they weren’t against dieting or dieticians, Morgue hastened to add Far from it, some diets do help you to remain healthy till your death. ‘But the point to ponder is why do you have to die when you are actually healthy’,’ he asked.

Morgue said that after this exhaustive study, his team of scholars would now focus on drinking water. ‘Some doctors tell you to drink at least 8 glasses of water. Some other doctors tell you that 8 glasses of water is harmful to health. Both the set of doctors eventually die.  ‘Our point is gut happens’. (Editor’s note: Please read the previous Editor’s Note)

(Disclaimer: Exercise regularly and stay slim. It reduces the burden on those who carry you on the final journey)