Crank’s News: UN appeals to countries to bring to it any matter for Naatamai

Pak says killing of Osama in Islamabad, an internal matter of US

Geneva: Just as the world is coming to grips with the dramatic killing of Osama bin Laden and other game-changing international events,  the United Nations today sent out an important and powerful message to the countries across the globe: ‘Please be reminded: The United Nations is still around ’.

This terse, single-line statement, it is learnt, has been made in the light of the developments in the world in which United Nations has no room to play its most important role, which is to issue pointless statements that nobody has ever read.

According to sources privy to the latest happenings, the United Nations is extremely worried that it is becoming like morning newspapers today, totally devoid of any relevance and resonance (unless it’s part of the morning toiletary habit). ‘Just like newspapers, we had so far managed to convey off an image that we are important and indispensable. But we are afraid that we have been found out now,’ the sources ruefully said.

Even five years ago, United Nations was all over the place, manfully mediating on issues of assumed global significance, like if there was a conflict in Angola, the global body would let the warring factions fight, while logically letting the diplomats from Sweden and Canada hammer out a solution by holding summit talks amongst themselves in Geneva or any such place that had the main ingredient for global diplomacy: Pricey Resorts and Exclusive Spas.

‘The world should thankfully remember that we have resolved with finality the difficult Middle East crisis, not just once but several times over. We have been so effective that they have kept coming back to us till now for the last several decades,’ the sources crowed.

Ditto with the civil war in Sri Lanka. ‘There could not have been a more important stakeholder to the internecine battle in Jaffna than the Norwegians. So we sagaciously involved them in all the high-level discussions. We made so much progress in the matter that the Constitution of Norway has a Sinhalese edition now,’ the sources added.

But today, when Osama bin Laden is killed, the United Nations is regrettably nowhere to be seen. Where are the headlines that used to brilliantly capture our pivotal role? ‘Osama dead in Pakistan, UN chief on a mission to Costa Rica’, ‘al-Qaeda kingpin bumped off, UN diplomats meet with Samoan rebels’, ‘Osama killed, UN threatens to impose sanction on him’ and the inevitable, ‘Obama killed, Palesntine bombed, Israel attacked, World to end in 2012, UN says Middle East peace talks on right track’.

At this rate, the UN will have to focus its peacekeeping efforts solely during the choleral outbreak in Honduras. ‘And if it gets any worse, the UN may have to hold international summits to find a lasting solution to the diarrhoeal pandemic in Tondiarpet’, the sources wryly added.

It’s in this context, that the United Nations’ powerful message to the world at large that it’s still around should be seen. ‘The world needs the UN because the UN needs the world,’ a spokesperson told Crank’s News in an email correspondence.

‘We know everything around us is changing. So we will not sit on our past glory. The United Nations will enthusiastically take up any matter, even the ones that are deemed too low even by Chinna Gounder Vijayakanth,’ the spokesperson said and added: ‘If it comes to that, we will play Naatamai in any issue as long as they allow the international diplomatic of equivalent of sombu and aalamaram, which is Geneva and summit talks at a swanky resort,’ he concluded with finality.

Elsewhere, Pakistan today sought to wriggle out of the tight spot it finds itself in by categorically asserting that the killing of Osama bin Laden is an internal matter of United States of America.

‘Osama bin Laden is a Saudi by birth. He was taken out by the forces of America. As a matter of considered principle, Pakistan doesn’t comment on matters involving other countries,’ commented a Pakistan foreign affairs spokesperson.

When the US was all along looking for Osama in the caves of Afghanistan, he wily had moved into Pakistan. This, as you may be aware, is a clear contravention of the stringent US visa rules. So they took the appropriate action as is probably sanctioned in their Constitution, he added.

‘Those who believe that Osama could not have lived so close to Islamabad without the knowledge of the Pakistan administration do not know anything about the government here. We hardly have a clue as to what is happening at our Secretariat, leave alone what may have transpired at the distant Abottobad,’ he added.

Pakistan government, however, asserted that it would continue to extend its full support to the war on terror by continuing to search for Osama bin Laden.

(Disclaimer: Osama is UN ambassador for Terrorists Sans Frontiers)