Directed by Spellberg!

I don’t know about you, but I find the Spelling Bee competition boring, because studious kids just turn up and spell arcane words as they ought to be. Whereas I am used to the excitement of numerology/namology programmes, in local cable channels, where blokes seriously tell you as to how wrongly you are spelling your own name.

Watching these programmes, I have come to realise that namology is not a blind system based on some assumed beliefs. It is actually well grounded on believable assumptions, like when you are not doing well, especially losing heavily in business, it is your name that is the root-cause of all your problems and not the fact that your employees are unskillful and your partners have been cheating more than Mohd Azharuddin ever managed to.

Also, do remember that if you can’t rewrite your own name, how can you grow in life and actually rewrite history one day?

For non-believers, here is a simple primer in handy Q and A format, reading which you will understand that namology is nominally science only.  

What are the things one has to look for before getting down to change one’s name?

First and foremost, you need to have a name before you can attempt to change it. So that immediately disqualifies all those who are yet to be born. All those dead, who despite having names, cannot even start to think about refurbishing it. Statistics show that no dead person has ever applied for a name change. Probably dead people have lost their ration cards or some other document that are so vital for applying for a name change.

OK, what after that?

Once you decide to change your name, you must immediately get in touch with a good namologist whose name is well known in the field. Changing name on your own without the supervision and services of a trained professional namologist is extremely dangerous.

How does a namologist get down to business?

Once you go to a namologist, he or she will take a hard look at your name, initials and other letters alongside. He/She will give it a thorough professional check-up. Some evolved namologists are not averse to suggesting an MRI or CT scan for your name. Once this preliminary part is over, the business end of the deal comes in, which is how much he is going to fleece you. Oops sorry, the previous sentence should read as…which is what part of your name has to be changed.

Can you throw further light on the actual method? 

If your problems are simple and tractable, you can escape, as did T R Baalu who was previously saddled with the unworking name T R Balu, with a mere addition of a few vowels or some minor tinkering with consonants. A few unlucky have been told to add an enigmatic ‘Q’ or ‘Z’ even though those letters can be incorporated only if your spelling skills are lesser than that of Shahid Kapoor.

What if my problems are severe?

Well, extreme cases are called upon to change their initials. In such times, you must possibly contemplate taking a time machine to go back in eras and try and change the name of your father so that you can eventually end up with a different initial. Or if you are desperate, while going back in time, you can even think about the prospect of changing the dad himself.

If you are a young woman of marriageable age and have been advised a name change, you must take the same time machine and travel ahead to change the name of your prospective husband.

What if I don’t get any time machine?

If for some strange reason you are unable to find a time machine, the thing to do is cheat: Which is to shove a totally unexpected name just before your initial. This is how T Rajendhar ended up as the hugely successful Vijaya T Rajendhar.

Who doesn’t need to change his/her name?  

The only set of people who need not change their name is, well, namologists. Since all namologists print a lot of letter-heads, visiting cards and sundry other papers and paraphernalia that they need to establish that they are indeed namologists, I presume it is not practical to expect them to change their names.

You say that a mere transpose of letters in the name can make a world of difference. Can you give any practical evidence from everyday life?

Saina and Sania.

Okay! You have a point. So namologically speaking, what does Sania need to do so that she doesn’t ever lose on a tennis court?

Well, as a tennis player she merely has to add an extra syllable, and by God, she will never lose on a tennis court any more. She just needs to become: Ex-tennis player.

As far as India goes, what change will you suggest for it to become a global giant?

Well, simple: Modi-fy the Prime Minister.