Everything you didn’t want to know about economics

The fact that you are reading this on a weekend day (in case you happen to read this on any other day, it is advisable that you stop at once and take a time machine, go back to the weekend for which this is written so that the sentence rings true.

Those who don’t have access to time machine make use of an Ambassador — it takes you back by several millennia) means two things: TV programmes are boring beyond imagination. And the economy is in very bad shape.

When I say economy, I mean not just the country’s but also yours. If it had been any better you would have surely gone out to party or have some sort of fun, rather than read something that attempts pathetic jokes. But if you had gone to a party, you would have still encountered the same thing: No, not this article. But the talk of economy being in a bad shape.

Yes, this week’s class is about finance & economics. Sit upright. Don’t doze. It is only because you slipped into sleep mode whenever economics was discussed that it is now in such a sad plight.

Nobody, this includes the economists as well, has bothered to understand economy. This is certainly not the case with other subjects. Take for instance humour writing. Anyone with an access to a computer has been attempting humour, and this has lead to laughable situations, which, you will appreciate, is the essential idea of humour.

It is possible to believe that economists and financial experts too are taking a stab at humour, and that is why economy itself has become such a joke.

The point is we all should try and figure out what economy is and what is wrong with it now, so that I get over with the work of finishing this column.

But to understand economics, I need to understand you. Unless I know you I can’t infer how much you will grasp economics.  I have painstakingly prepared a series of questions and answers in the most unscientific manner that is humanly possible so that they reflect the quintessence of economics.

Take a crack at this objective-type questions whose sole objective is that it will take a lot of space and will help me to complete this piece pretty fast.

The thing about economy is that there is no ‘one’ correct answer to any question. Rather, the kind of answer that you  give will describe the person that you are.

1) Who is considered the father of modern economy?

A) Adam Smith

B) Madam Shit (an anagram of the above)

C) Marilyn Monroe is the mother

D) None of the below

2) What is stagflation?

A) A period of slow economic growth and high unemployment (stagnation) while prices rise (inflation)

B) Flag Station (needless to say, an anagram of the above)

C) Increase in the number of stag parties

D) Who cares

3) How is inflation calculated?

A)  It is measured as the percentage rate of change of a price index

B) By reading the newspaper that carry the report on inflation

C) Check out the price of booze and smoke

D) Add or subtract a few decimal points from the previous week’s figure

4) What is income tax?

A) A personal tax levied on one’s annual income

B) An anagram of ax, con item

C) The amount that one pays to the auditor so that he tells the way to avoid paying the same to the government

D) Does it matter?

5) What is Laissez-faire?

A) The belief that an economy functions best when there is no interference by government

B) Size fails ear or Size ails fear (needless to say, an anagram)

C) A new cocktail that includes Lassi

D) Which language is this?

6) What are Hedge Funds?

A) There is no simple definition of a hedge fund (few of them actually hedge). But they all aim to maximise their absolute returns rather than relative ones;

B) Fudge Shed (if you have not spotted the anagram, go to an eye doctor)

C) A micro-mini skirt (it hedges the fund, hence the term)

D) None of anything

7)  What is mortgage?

A) A conditional conveyance of property as security for the repayment of a loan

B) If you are smart think of a suitable anagram here

C) The right age to attend booze parties

D) Mort what?

8 What is Misery Index?

A) The sum of a country’s inflation and unemployment rates.

B) I, Sexy Minder

C) The hangover that one feels the day after

D) None of everything

9) What is demand curve?

A) A graph showing the relationship between the price of a good and the amount of demand for it at different prices.

B) Deem curd van (whatever that means)

C) The price of a beautiful girl (curve in demand: QED)

D) None whatsoever

If your answers are ‘A’, the fact of the matter is that you are in the IT industry with free access to unlimited Google. That is how you managed to find all the right answers.

If your answers are ‘B’ you are certainly a regular reader of Crank’s Corner with nothing much to do, except play aimlessly and uselessly with letters (letters is an anagram for settler).

If your answers are C, you are a party animal in a permanent hangover. Go back to your booze.

If your answers are D, it is most likely that you didn’t read the question. And for that matter, you will not be reading even this. In which case, you are not bothered about anything. That is, you have the making of an economist. For all I know, you may be already one. Perhaps, you may  be the Finance Minister himself? But since you are not reading this, you will not answer.