Govt, media, judiciary seek ban on any new scandals

Case may be referred to Chinna Gounder Vijayakanth

New Delhi: Badly mauled by the almost pandemic outbreak of scandals on a daily basis, a battered and bruised Central government today moved the Supreme Court seeking an outright ban on anybody scooping out any more new scandals. The government received a shot in the arm with both the media and judiciary impleading themselves in the case, seeking a similar ban, as most of the scams also seem to involve both the parties these days.

With the three pillars of democracy wanting a complete moratorium on breaking of any new scandals, the nation is staring at an impending  constitutional crisis as well as an entertainment crisis (scandals have been the sole source amusement to the general public since the release of Enthiran three months ago) .

Further, with the apex court also a party to the case, it may well have to recuse itself from the proceedings, leaving the whole matter to be resolved by some Nattamai. For what it is worth, Sarath Kumar is getting ready with his trademark thundu (towel).

On a day of rapidly unfolding events, filing the writ plea on behalf of the Union government in the Supreme Court, the Attorney General said there is a scandal breaking out every fifth minute. Nobody knows which scandal is what. ‘The other day the PMO tied itself in knots by giving a clean chit to Suresh Kalmadi in the 2G scam involving the Adarsh Housing Society run by the Bellary Reddy Brothers. Luckily no one noticed it, as generally nobody reads anything put out by the PMO. But we can’t be sure of that all the time,’ reasoned the Attorney General.

‘We need a ban on the breaking of new scandals at least for the government to get a hang of which of its Minister is involved in what scam,’ he added.

The Attorney General pointed out that the scandals tumbling out every hour harm India’s image at the international level and also hamper the commitment that New Delhi has given at the recent Climate Summit. ‘When you have governmental scandals you inevitably have the likes of Venkaiah Naidu and Ravi Shankar Prasad in full blast. But it’s scientifically well proven that the two are responsible for 70 per cent of the Carbon and other noxious gas emissions in this part of the world’.

The government’s case was bolstered by a similar plea from the Indian media. A spokesperson of CONMEN (Consortium of News Media Entrepreneurs), the appropriate apex body to represent all the media houses in the country, said the scandal situation in the country is, well, scandalous. ‘People are becoming aware of scandals even when we newspapers and news channels have taken the morally right stand of not reporting any of them.’

The right to freedom of expression is a powerful weapon explicitly guaranteed in the Constitution only for the use of experts like newspersons. Untrained lay people using it can harm themselves, the CONMEN representative asserted.

He pointed out that the channels and newspapers are honestly quiet on the scandals not because newspersons are involved in almost all of them. ‘No. Those of us in the news business hate the spotlight. We, as everyone knows, prefer things to be shady,’ he added.

Vir Sanghvi has already decided to suspend his writing. ‘If more scandals keep coming out, more editors and scribes will have to call a halt to their writings. Of course, editors not writing anything at all is good news for the public. But look at the flipside: they may not be around as bylines. But they are present in the headlines.’

Meanwhile, in a sensational turn of event, the judiciary too sought to implead itself in the whole case. Asked how can the judiciary be a party to a case involving itself, the Supreme Court said there were many historical precedences, especially in the film where Sarath Kumar appeared as the eponymous Nattamai. ‘Butt still, we don’t want to hear the case involving ourselves. So the matter can be handled somebody like Sarath,’ the Apex Court said, indicating that it was recusing itself from the whole matter.

But with the Supreme Court distancing itself from the matter, it also lost the constitutional right to formally refer the case for somebody like Sarath Kumar to nattamai.

So with all the constitutional avenues closed for the case, there’s only one way by which the whole matter can proceed further: Yes, that’s right: The nation needs Chinna Gounder Vijayakanth like never before.

(Disclaimer: Scandalous? But we are still not in the league of Digvijay Singh)