Home is where the heart attack is

In the beginning, quietude and tranquility reigned in the world. And then one fateful day, one caveman perhaps thought: ‘Hey, wouldn’t be nice if we build our own houses?

And since then, the world has not seen peace.

When the world is eventually destroyed and when mankind totes up the reason for the total ruination, the evidences will clearly point to two things: Twitter and Facebook. Oops sorry, I was about to say builders and litigation.

But no amount of problems and pitfalls is going to hold you back from your ambition of having a roof that you can call all yours, because deep down you are, despite your unmistakable education and innate wisdom, a dreamer, which is the polite way of saying that you are a fool.

Before you plunge headlong, you need to understand what you are getting into. To help you in this exercise, I have prepared a small reckoner that you can easily refer to whenever you are desperate. And I can assure you, in this process of owning a house, desperation will be your sole companion.

Independent house or flat?

This is a good question to start off, as there are no other questions that readily come to my mind.

Actually there is not much to choose between the two, except the fact that an independent house offers you the all-important choice and flexibility to face problems from very many sources, while in the case of pre-designed apartments, the trouble is inescapably from only one quarter: Builder.

If you have a dream house in your mind, the person to approach is a builder. His job, as it can be implied, is to build dreams. All builders, by a strict code of conduct, fall into one category: Unreliable. Roman Ruins are a good example of how usually builders hand over the projects to the previously committed buyers.

Let’s put it this way, if God had outsourced the creation of this world to a builder, it is most likely sub-standard snow would have been used to fill up Himalayas that by the twentieth sunrise all snow would have melted away, and the Niagara would be leaking into places with which it has no earthly connections.


Before you set off to buy a house, it is important that you think about your budget, as thinking is the only thing that you will be doing for much of your time. Budgets, on the other hand, will be unthinkable.

Whatever is your earning power and howmuchsoever is your bank balance, the one cardinal rule in life is: You will always find yourself short of funds when it comes to building a house for yourself.

Realistically speaking, the money you have will be good enough to build just the living room of whatever house you are intending to come up with. For the rest, even more realistically speaking, you have to rob a bank.

Now that we are on the subject of banks and robbery, it is a good time to bring in the topic of loans.

Housing loans

It is only natural that any normal human is driven to the depths of despair when trying to build a house for himself. And only in the face of extreme rashness can any rational being accept to the conditions laid down for getting a house loan.

Cloning your signature 36,0000 times is possibly one of the conditions for obtaining such a loan. You also need to give an undertaking, written in your own blood in triplicate, that no seven persons looking like you exist in this world.

Put it this way, the moon is still underdeveloped as apparently God’s loan application with the bank is still undecided, most probably for want of identity proof or Form 16, which, in case you need telling, carries all the details of the money that a government squeezes out from an individual for his grave fault of earning them legally.


Housing projects are universally located in just two places: One, where you desire. Two, where you don’t desire.  When you are talking of locations, it is important to remember this handy thumb rule: All housing properties that are totally unaffordable to you will be located in areas that you like the most. All locations that don’t impress you at all will inevitably house properties that will match your budget.

So when you decide to buy a house, you have to also decide what will you forgo: Location or budget. In housing matters, you cannot have both. This is a constitutionally laid law.

The only property that is located in a buzzing hub and still doesn’t punch a hole in the owner’s pocket is the Rashtrapathi Bhavan, which, as you may be aware, gets to be occupied by the winner of the biggest lottery in the country otherwise known as President election.


In these complicated and confusing times, formal registration of a property in a legally acceptable format is very important, especially since it provides work to lawyers and registrars who otherwise can be unemployable. One look at the wordings used for registering a property will confirm why these people are unemployable.

A registration document, if the thought were aimed at simplicity and easy comprehensibility, would just read that so-and-so is the owner of the place situated at so-and-so address. But any property document roughly runs into the length of a James Joyce novel, but only more complicated in its prose. The idea was possibly to create a backlog of millions and millions of cases in the courts, where learned judges have to break their heads so as to just figure out in which continent the said property is located.

Registration of property has to be done only on State-approved bond paper, which provide the indubitable stamp of confirmation that the governments are run by a bunch of morons bereft of substance as well as style.

After manfully surmounting all these, when you eventually come to the stage of living in your own house, in all probability your plug sockets will leak water and the pipes will dispensing current. Electrician or plumber, whom should you call? Don’t worry, either of them will not turn up until you seek them out for the millionth time. Why do you think, Mount Vesuvius is still erupting? They are still waiting for the caster!