The inside story of what happens to your bank deposits (Pssst: Adults Only)
How safe are your bank deposits?
This question has to be asked in the light of some controversial provisions of the FRDI Bill, which if you believe the WhatsApp forwards, gives the government not only access to your bank deposits but also allows it to change your ATM password without your knowledge. What does this mean? Exactly, your ATM password will no longer be your secret first love’s birth date. Don’t wonder how we know this. We know the person and the story behind your email password, too.
Also, notice carefully, we ask how safe are your deposits because we have nothing to feel afraid of as we have no deposit in the first place. We have no money because we are journalists.
Getting back to the FRDI Bill, the Finance Minister has asserted that the government has no idea of tapping into individual deposits. When a man who was in charge of demonetisation and GST speaks, you have to but take it with the seriousness that you accord to a circus clown.
But what exactly is the FRDI Bill, and what are its implications. Here are a few FAQs. We are not going into the technicalities, because we don’t know what they are. Also, we spoke to several experts on the topic to put this FAQ together; if you find any inaccuracy in this, you know for sure that the experts are indeed to blame. We, like the Finance Minister, are blameless.
How do bank deposit schemes work at present?
Ans: To answer the question, you have to first understand what happens to the money you give it to the bank as deposit. Once you remit the money, the bank officers — this is the first step of safety — wash the money with cleaning liquid so that it is removed of your spit and sweat.
For what it is worth, the bank officers apply sanitisers on their palms and arms and begin their operations. Then they keep the money in a vault. From time to time, they pull your money out and take it for an evening walk or some such. The money is generally kept in good humour and in a nice frame of mind.
And then, late in the night, when all the curtains are drawn and kid monies are tucked in their bed, the adult monies have carnal relationship amongst themselves (if you stand near the vaults at night, you can hear the moaning sounds. At the height of their ecstasy, they yell out the RBI Governor’s name). And soon enough the women monies become pregnant and they start yielding more money, which is what given back to you in the form of interest.
This, in a nutshell, is the inside working of banks.
What does the proposed law change?
Ans: As you would appreciate, since the money is ‘birthed’ when under the custody of the banks, the government says that in times of need the banks have the legal right of the money. This is also settled law under Legal Heir Act. That is where the matter stands now.
But we always thought bank FDs in our name were ours. Do you mean they are not?
Ans: That is the assumption, but there was no legal guarantee for the same. Also, all these years whenever a public sector bank failed, the government saved it by pumping in money through the RBI. (The RBI has a huge vault where monies are allowed to coopulate under scientifically maintained conditions to produce more monies. It is is pertinent to recall here that thee RBI was originally called Reproduction Bank of India).
The RBI is going slow on pumping in more money because the women monies in its vault are feeling used and ill-treated. They are now refusing to cooperate and the supply of new monies is drying up. Also, there is male money-female money imbalance. Too many male monies are chasing too little female monies. Keynesian economists call it stagflation. Infertility among monies is also a major cause of worry.
Q: What power does the proposed FRDI Bill give to banks?
Ans: The FRDI Bill, through its bail in clause, allows the monies to, er, use condoms. Which of course will hit the reproduction of money.
In which case, the bank will use a lot of jargon and totally take you money or convert your money into, say, equity shares or a long term bond, which the economists call as ‘surrogate money’. Money birthed through fertility treatment.
Q: Should I close my FDs with my banks?
Ans: At this stage, experts say, there is no real reason to panic. Experts say this because it is not as if their money is at stake.
But the fact s also there are enough monies in the banks’ vaults and monies monies are being reproduced.
Also, the FRDI Bill, is only in its proposal stage. It has not made it to Parliament. But before it does, we suggest you write to your MP, who upon receiving your mail will surely act on it, which is to throw it to the nearest dustbin.