Oat for democracy

Today’s topic is: Eating right.

The beauty of modern-day living is that it has thrown up plenty of delectable choices at the dining table, a plethora of succulent options in terms of cuisine, none of which a human being can begin to eat without feeling extremely guilty or scared of its ramifications in terms of health.

Yes, food has evolved to be the new F word, and calories, which were once just the unit of heat, has now become the measurement of people’s fear and anxiety. However, it is not right to ridicule people’s desire to look fit and stay healthy as it is a question between living unhealthy and dying and living healthy and dying.

In this context, let me narrate the sobering tale of my grandfather, who paid the price for not eating right: In his days, the staple diet of my granddad was curd rice, which he had as Pazhayadhu (overnight leftovers) in the morning and then as traditional curd rice at night (using leftover rice from lunch). But thanks to modern science and evolved research in the field of food, we now know for sure that if you want to stay healthy and fit, the things to totally avoid are: Curds and rice. Pity my granddad didn’t realise this. If he had, he would have lived longer than dying prematurely at the age of 93.

Anyway, here we present a small primer, in handy Q and A format, on healthy food and living, with the knowledge that if you sincerely stick to diet foods and follow a strict fitness regimen, death becomes such a happier option

How do we identify health food?

When you are at the vegetable shop ask for stuff like broccoli, jicama, asparagus, and if the shopkeeper threatens to throw the padi kal (weighing stone) at you, be sure that they are indeed healthy vegetables

When it comes to vegetables and fruits, the standard formula followed by experts is: Anything that is readily available in the markets can never make it as a health food.

Expert tip: Health-vegetables come in spellings that you won’t find in normal dictionaries.

So our basic advice is you can as well give up on consuming a healthy and well-rounded meal.

Tell us about the virtues of oats

Oats, if you had noticed, used to be the preferred food of horses. But somewhere down the line, smart doctors cottoned on to the scientific truth that no horse ever came down with hypertension or diabetes, and hence began to recommend it to people, too.

When animals and human beings start eating the same thing, you know healthy equality has been attained. Scientists call this as the real oat for democracy.

The beauty of oats is that it never gives you that ‘filling’ feeling. So even if you had been wolfishly served large portions of oats by the wife at the breakfast table, you will still have enough space in the tummy to munch down three samosas at the office canteen.

How should we eat spinach?

Spinach, filled with many vitamins and iron, is rich in medicinal value, by which we mean no matter how you cook it, it will seem just as tasteless and bland like a pharmaceutical capsule.

Spinach consumption in the US reportedly picked up due to the impishly delightful cartoon character, Popeye The Sailor, who keeps popping spinach from a can and derives super-human strength, with the only noticeable adverse side-effect being that he seems attractive only to a girl who clearly looks to be a twin-sister of Monica Seles.

The one rule of spinach is: No matter what, never eat it in the nights. Since it is always night in some part of the globe, ‘never eat spinach’ is our personal golden rule.

What are the advantages of regular exercise?

Once you start hitting the gym, you will feel the difference even as early as one week’s time. Previously you would have felt drained and tired at the end of the day. But once you begin to work out, you will feel thoroughly exhausted all through the day.

Modern gyms set much store on aerobics, which the dictionary defines as a set of physical exercises that are designed to increase the need for oxygen. This is usually managed by the commonsense logic of wearing extremely tight-fitting clothes. The beauty of aerobics attire is that it almost garrotes people at all the wrong places. Strangulation of the little finger is a common cause of death among aerobics people.

How do health foods actually work?

Oh, do they?

But as long as there are people who are ready to shell out large sums of money for fat-free chocolates and sugar-less coffee when elementary logic suggests that they should pay less for all the things that are removed from their eatables, the health food industry will continue to be in good health.

Also remember this: If the Great God had really wanted us to consume tasteless things, which is what health foods really are, He wouldn’t have given us a long tongue embedded with taste buds, and a longer tongue to complain if what is served is vapid.