January 26, 1950. This will remain a red-letter day in the annals of modern India. For, the fledgling nation introduced for the first time something that was bound to have an ever-lasting impact. Something that was to become inviolable and define the very nation: Declaration of January 26 as a public holiday.
It was on the same day that the nation’s Constitution too was adopted. But since it was a national holiday nobody really bothered to check what was in it, and that’s how it has remained till now.
And this January 26, we sneaked into the high-security vault where the original Constitutional draft, in crumbling pale-yellow papers, is stored. And this is what we found in it
(For the record, the Indian Constitution, containing 450 Articles in 24 parts, 12 schedules and 96 amendments, for a total of 117,369 words, is officially the longest in the world, yet runs just one-fifth of the length of a typical Arundhathi Roy essay).
We The People of India, despite the fact many of us are illiterate and don’t really have a clue as to what is written below, have solemnly resolved to constitute India into Sovereign Social Secular Satanic Verses-banning Democratic Republic and secure to all its citizens never-ending spam SMSes from Dr Batra’s Hair clinic.
The Union and Its Territory
The nation will be made up of States that are always in a state of flux with the demand for more States.
There will be Union Territories, too. But nobody will know why.
Some Union Territories will be made into States. Again, nobody will know why.
Parliament, the President, the PM
Parliament will come in two official flavours, Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha. The first to be filled with politicos elected by the public, and the second, as a major difference, to be (mostly) filled with politicos elected by the politicos elected by the public.
The Lok Sabha will give the political thrust while the Rajya Sabha will give the intellectual thrust when members are calling others names.
In times of emergency and national calamity, no one can stop Parliament from performing its fundamental duty of observing two minutes silence.
Also, in times of scandal and controversy, Parliament is empowered to appoint: Some committee. After which if the scandal or controversy persists, Parliament has the sovereign right to shrug its collective shoulders.
The President of the nation shall be elected through the electoral college, so called because it will be too in-your-face to term it: random number making.
The President of the nation will be the supreme chief of the Army, Navy and Air-Force based on the fact that he or she would have had top military experience in the form of witnessing an NCC parade in school.
The nation shall have a Vice-President because the Rashtrapathi Bhavan is spacious.
The Prime Minister, the sovereign leader of the country, shall have the honour of addressing the nation from the ramparts of the Red Fort on the Independence Day — a historic occasion because it’s the only time that the word ‘ramparts’ ever gets to be used in a working sentence.
Every State shall have a Governor for the compelling Constitutional reason of accommodating some out of work politico.
National Language, Anthem, Song, Flag
The Constitution is drafted in English, and no prizes for guessing that the National Language is: Hindi.
India shall have a National Anthem, and an emergency back-up, National Song, neither of which will, of course, be in the National Language.
A provision for a second standby song in the form of Sare Jahan Se shall also be made. Don’t ask us why. We are the Constitution, not AskYahoo.com
A further provision for the versions of A R Rahman is deemed mandatory.
Singing of the National Anthem will be mandatory on solemn occasions, which in some cases may be the end of a movie show.
Classical status to languages shall be accorded based on the recommendations of linguistic experts who undertake research on how much power the politicians of that (language) State are capable of wielding.
To truthfully paint the National Tri-colour you will need four colours: Saffron, white, green and blue (for the wheels).
Flying the flag upside is an offence. Anybody found saluting the flag while attempting sirasasanam would be severely dealt with.
Citizenship and Rights
Acquiring a ration card shall be the solemn duty of all citizens.
A ration card, can get you telephone connection, gas connection, water connection, but may not fetch you what it is supposed to. Deal with it.
Non-resident Indians, who leave the country for patriotic reasons of earning more, will be accorded more benefits than the ones who choose to stay here for personal gains like love of the country.
Land documents or legal papers shall never be written in easy, comprehensible language. Anybody who claims to understand, in one reading, what is written in such papers is liable for State action.
Don’t worry, one of these days reservation based on religion and caste will be so broad-based that every one will get to figure in it.
No individual has any right to intrude into another’s privacy. But even we in the Constitution confess that we are helpless against the tele-marketers.
(This is a gross spoof. No offence or malice meant)