Statutory warnings

Ahead of the Independence Day, the biggest question facing the nation is: Is it the 69th or 70th I-Day?

Unfortunately, there has never been a national consensus on this matter, and so we always have a situation of one set of people celebrating ‘y Independence Day’ and another ‘y + 1 Independence Day’, and totally yet another having no clue what the hell is this ‘y’ in this equation,

The point is this confusion could have been avoided if people had bothered to read the Constitution, where it is clearly mentioned (Article 175): “The nation shall celebrate its 70th Independence Day on Aug 15, 2016″. (Article 175-A: “Those celebrating it as 69th Independence Day shall be put on a time machine and sent back to 2015. The State shall not defray the cost incurred on inventing the said time machine”).

We know that many of you have been wanting to read the Constitution but have found it difficult to get past sentences that stretch longer than diploma courses. As a matter of fact, we were like you only till one day we ran out stuff to waste our time on, and chanced upon an aging volume of the Indian Constitution. The first couple of pages were indeed difficult to comprehend. But when we persisted we quickly realised that it was an easy way to get good sleep.

No, we are as usual just kidding. We quickly figured out that the writers of the Constitution were pretty comprehensive and had indeed thought about most possible situations and scenarios that a modern country can get into and suggested practical ways and means to deal with them.

Here is the Constitution on two issues that the citizens face around the Independence Day period. But first:


We The People of India do hereby solemnly affirm to be part of this Preamble even though most of us have no idea what a Preamble is or for that matter, leave alone the meaning, we wouldn’t know the spelling of many words that would later appear in this book. But hey, Constitution!

Articles 119 to 148 (consumer and e-commerce issues)

If you, as a citizen of this country, ever order stuff from an e-commerce company, the nation bestows upon the said e-commerce company the legal right to dispatch the said stuff at the precise moment when you or none of your family members are present at your residence.

The e-commerce courier person will demand to know the ‘nearest landmark’ to a customer’s residence even if the customer concerned happens to live in Rashtrapathi Bhavan.

The consumer durable company that you buy goods from is under no legal compulsion to send an installation mechanic who actually knows anything about installation of the said product. He, however, has unfettered freedom to blame the poor wiring in your house.

In the event of something going wrong within the warranty period with a product that any citizen has bought, the impugned warranty is deemed to cover every defect except the one that the citizen’s product is actually down with.

The Constitution wishes to place on record its extreme sympathies to all those citizens who buy extended warranty on any product.

No individual has any right to intrude into another’s privacy. But even we in the Constitution confess that we are helpless against the tele-marketers.

If a citizen signs up for an ‘unlimited plan’ with an internet service provider, it is in the interest of the citizen to know that ‘unlimited’ is a joke word.

Articles 155 to 169 (Concerning Traffic)

Roads are common property. They will be built and maintained in such a manner that they are equitable in causing equal inconvenience to pedestrians, cyclists and motorists at all times.

Every citizen on a vehicle has an inalienable right to attempt and make a ‘red’ traffic signal change quickly to ‘green’ by honking incessantly.

All legal citizens of the nation shall observe all the traffic rules at all times, except when the said citizen is driving a share auto in Chennai.

The Constitutional definition of a traffic jam is: It is something caused by other vehicles.

Vehicles of VIPs can, and will, cause accidents. It is, as can be clearly seen, the mistake of the vehicle, not the VIP’s.

If in a street, a citizen feels that the right of way seems to be firmly reserved for stray cattle, then the citizen should immediately realise that he or she is in: Saidapet.

If a cyclist rams into your vehicle, the mistake is: Yours. And this is: Always There is no point arguing that your vehicle was stationary, parked as it was in a designated lot, and the cyclist was drunk and driving on the wrong side of a road. You, as a dutiful citizen of the nation, is also notified to pay whatever the cyclist demands from you, else people who generally materialise at such accident spots, have the Constitutional freedom to rain blows on you.

The State police department shall appoint constables whose job is to manually operate ‘automatic’ traffic signals. We are the Constitution. Otherwise we would use these here: 😆 😆 😆

Those who falsely blame traffic for their own delay in reaching wherever they ought to must get to literally feel the full force of the Constitution on their backsides. But sadly it never happens. And the Constitution is sorry for that.