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CRANK NEWS

Revolutionary rule to review reviewed decisions

ICC says if this plan fails then RTI may have to be invoked against umpires

In a bid to ensure foolproof decision-making on cricket grounds, the ICC today unveiled a revolutionary new rule that allows the spectators to seek review of the Umpire Decision Review System in Test match cricket.

The latest change, it is expected, will not only do away with the anomalies in the existing Umpire Decision Review System and also infuse a sense of participation among the cricket-viewing public.

A spokesperson of the ICC, in a press release to all the spectators today said, the change in the existing rules has been brought about in response to the controversies surrounding the Umpire Decision Review Decision (UDRS), which has had captains tearing their hair in desperation. Somebody like Australia’s Ricky Ponting has been particularly unimpressed because he already has only a few hairs left on his rapidly-balding head.

The UDRS had also not gone down well with the umpires, especially since they felt the new technology at their hands was inconclusive and inadequate. One typical case in point was the instance of an umpire trying to use the chunky walkie-talkie (which the umpires carry to the field) but failing miserably because of the fact that the host cricket board had no funds to even pay the telecom company to activate the walkie-talkie. The cricket board in question was later revealed to be the PCB, which has been since taken over by its country’s President, who himself was later removed by the military, which is now operated by the Taliban under the aegis of Al-qaeda.

Considering all this, the ICC technical committee —- named so because there are three people in it, and technically they can be called a committee —- decided to further scrutinize the decisions that were already under scrutiny. ‘It is a revolutionary concept because the approved signal to involve the spectators and fans to Review the Umpire Decision Already Under Review is to make revolutions using the index fingers on both the hands,’ said the spokesperson for the ICC.

According to the new guidelines, if the spectators feel the decision arrived after the Umpire Decision Review System to be unsatisfactory, then they can immediately, in the general direction of where the ICC headquarters is located, make finger-signals.  A team of top officials will then closely monitor the developments and arrive at a decision that will satisfy the spectators.

The ICC spokesperson conceded that the whole process would indeed consume time. ‘But it will give another excuse for the TV stations to run more ads,’ he said with an evil glint in the eye that is inescapable from ICC staff whenever they talk of commerce. He, however, made it clear that the ICC should not be blamed if the fans found the ads boring. ‘You can’t hold us responsible for the poor quality of commercials, can you,’ said the ICC man, not unreasonably.

If this new change also doesn’t work, well then we may have to think of invoking the RTI on umpiring decisions, the ICC spokesperson said.

It is also learnt that the rule to make round-round signals towards Dubai will be in vogue only as long as the Emirates kingdom plays headquarters to the ICC. ‘Tomorrow, if the ICC moves to Burkina Faso, then the spectators have to make their signals in the general direction of where it is located. Sources in the ICC, however, countered the suggestion that in future only those with deep knowledge of geography can be cricket fans. An ICC source, on conditions of anonymity, said: ‘No need to worry. None of us here too know either geography or cricket. Otherwise would we have our headquarters in Dubai, a place that neither has any tradition of cricket nor the climate for the game?’

Meanwhile, the PCB has reacted angrily to the latest ICC rules, contending that they can’t find any fan to come to the stadiums in the first place so that reviewed decisions can be reviewed further. The ICC, for it part, played down the controversy and said that the PCB would have little to complain as there was no hope in the near future for cricket matches to be held in Pakistan.


(This part of the blog will feature spoof news, and its format, in general, will be on the lines of ‘Onion’, ‘Son of Bosey’. Nothing excitingly original, but since when humour writers have been fresh?)