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The day of reckoning is today

The biggest challenge confronting humankind is, yes you guessed it wrong, not the global warming or even Barkha Dutt: It is what we are going to observe the coming Sunday as. We have to urgently think of something interesting to mark the day with, which otherwise will sink in the mouth of history silently without the burp of some celebration.

But it was not the case the preceding Sunday as we were all spoilt with rich choices: World Tiger Day, World Heart Day and World Daughter’s Day all fell on the same day, making some of us wonder whether the true celebration of the day would be to adopt a tiger as daughter so that it could have a healthy heart or should the tiger be fed a human heart so that it is a good spectacle for the daughter to spend a boring Sunday on or may be the daughter should meet a heart surgeon and come to the inevitable conclusion that the tiger is less dangerous.

You may think observance of such days to be silly and nothing more than an occasion contrived by marketing men for the rest of us to blame the marketing men, but believe me it is wonderful and cute and leads to warm exchange of emotions.

A man will, if he had just commonsense, will convey his feelings to his wife in her face and they may exchange a few knowing smiles and something more. And that would be the end of it. But on the ‘Wife’s Day’, it will be special as common sense takes leave on that particular Sunday. It will be the delightful moment when he will put the effort to get her, even though she is in earshot-range, an expensive card, which will doubtless carry moving and romantic poet-laureate lines like, ‘postbox is red, tar is black, money is green, but my love for you is the colour of credit card’.

And that single, simple token of love and warmth will be good enough to move the wife into a tizzy of anger as to why he didn’t get her that crystal necklace which she thought what he would gift her for the occasion. Naturally emotions that have defined humanity so far will surge, with the wife labelling the man as being ‘inconsiderate and thoughtless’, while the man will strongly give vent to his pent up emotions by the articulation that involves slamming the door and throwing down the flower vases, which seem to be available at convenient handy points during such moments of frenzy. And the whole day will remarkably set the tone for the frostiness in the rest of the years to come. This is the use of such days, providing you memorable tags to remember, especially when you are filing for divorce.

It may be also of interest to you to know who thinks up these specialty days. After a punctilious research involving the scientific process called guessing, it is not impossible to come to the conclusion that three people decide things like this. Which three people? Any random trio will do. It can only be a random, arbitrary trio who could have decided that one day in October will be observed as the ‘World Mother-in-Law’ day (yes, there is one) even though in the entirety of human civilisation mothers-in-law have not given many occasions to celebrate, except perhaps when they die. If mankind has come to the desperation that it can observe a day for mothers-in-law, there cannot be much harm if it were to celebrate, say, World Dustbin Day.

Anyway, since I find the calendar bereft of such occasions, I propose that we include these days of reckoning.

World Uncle Day: Just take out uncles from the equation, you are actually putting actor Vijayakumar out of work and crossing out a good chunk from the body of work of Bharathiraja, who makes emotional, earthy Tamil movies easily identifiable by the English tag ‘a film by Bharathiraja’.

Just imagine if there were no such thing as uncle, what appellation would you use to address your elderly next-door neighbour with. If most similar-age relations fit in as ‘cousins’, then all elderly kin can pass off as uncles. It is the omni-bus relationship-description that otherwise defy description. Death of a distant uncle, even though he may be non-existent, is what you readily and effortlessly think up when applying for emergency leave in the office. Somehow death of uncle sounds generically true and believable rather than the death of aunt.

In Brahmin households there are only ‘Ambi mamas’ and never ‘Ambi Chittapas’. This is something that sociologists of this world have to figure out why.

Uncles are infinitely useful and come handy for various other purposes that need not be spelt out here. The only dark line in their otherwise spotless CV could be the fact that fathers-in-law also qualify to be called as uncles. And fathers-in-law of this world seem acceptable only when you are comparing them to mothers-in-law.

The 1st of April seems the ideal day for observing World Uncle Day.

World Index finger Day: The importance of the middle finger can never be overstated, especially when hurriedly ferreting out the contents of your nose at traffic signal when you think that nobody is watching you. You can’t pull off the same desperate stunt, say, with your thumb. If you do you will end up with a nose more funny that that of actor Nasser.

If you check with your doctor, he will confirm that the index finger is more important than the heart. Doctors know what they are talking about, as while the heart pumps in the blood uselessly, it is the index finger that is mostly in play when you have to write out the cheques for them.

The EVMs will be ready, the contestants will be ready, the politicians will be ready with their press release, the TV channels will be incessantly crackling with their live telecasts, but the elections cannot be held if there is no index finger for you to proffer. Yes, the entire edifice of modern democracy carefully rests on the pedestal provided by your index finger. And don’t show the middle finger to it.

World Nothing Day: When all the days in the calendar are taken up for observing something or the other, eventually there has to be one earmarked for celebrating nothing. By reading this piece till the end you have actually celebrated nothing. So this is the day: Happy Nothing Day. Send me a card. Of better still, mail me at: balakumarkb@gmail.com

  • how about we have like WORLD’S or atleast INDIA’S “serial day”
    1 important condition on that day is no channel sould any serial on that da!!!!!!!!!!

    most husband’s will take a holiday and enjoy T.V

  • How about we have something like WORLD’S or atleast INDIA’S “non-serial day”
    1 important condition on that day is no channel sould any serial on that da!!!!!!!!!!

    Most husband’s will take a holiday and enjoy watching T.V without their spouse’s interference!!!

    And the major point is this day must never fall on a “SUNDAY”

  • How about we have something like WORLD’S or atleast INDIA’S “non-serial day”

    1 important condition is on that day no channel should telecast serial’s !!!!!!!!!!

    Most husband’s will take a holiday and enjoy watching T.V without their spouse’s interference!!!

    And the major point is this day must never fall on a “SUNDAY”

  • We should also have World Bimbo day for Rakhi Sawant, Sherlyn Chopra etc. and World Brainless day exclusively for George Bush. World Bigmouth day for Shashi Tharoor and World Hypocrisy day for the holy cows can also be considered.

  • Anand

    I had come across your column when passing through chennai almost a year ago and since then trying to find out if i could trace it online.-was a bit difficult since engrossed in the column, i had forgotten to notice the author or the publication. I’m more than thrilled to find this site, so it’s a cranks-corner-finding day for me.
    Keep up the awesome writing.
    Cheers.

  • K Balakumar

    You’re right. World Big Mouth Day of Tharoor sounds very right.

  • K Balakumar

    Thanks a lot for your kind words, Mr Anand.

  • If things go like this, we might have to ‘celebrate’ a Humour Day some other day. On that particular day, all people can smile at humours like this…

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