What will 2013 be like?

We grill the zodiac for you

The zodiac column presents a unique challenge to the newspaper people. Because, quite unlike, say, the Editorial, it’s something that is actually read. So newspapers cannot simply bluff. They have to bluff with effort.

The thing about the zodiac column is that those who believe in such stuff keenly follow it. Those who don’t believe in such matter, however, follow it even more keenly. Perhaps just to find how absurd it is. But, as it happens, astrology turns out to be spot on for people who don’t believe in it.

But let us face it, astrology is not science. Science offers exactitude. Pluto, for instance, when I was in school, was most certainly a planet. Now, when my daughter is in school, it is no longer a planet. Naturally science-mined persons ask the question: How can astrology, which is based on such unreliable planets, be accurate?

Anyway, human beings are so keen to know what the future holds that many times over they forget to check what is happening to their present, and sometimes even fail to notice rank dire things, like Rajiv Shukla becoming a Union Minister.

So when we began scientifically compiling this Horoscope Column, we straightaway decided to address the abovementioned problem: We will not let Rajiv Shukla become a Minister again. Oops, we meant to say we would cover every aspect of your life, including the past. If you have any doubt you can hire a time machine, go back and check whether our predictions on the past are spot on or not.  If you can prove our claims are wrong, we guarantee we will defray the cost you incurred on the time machine. Such is our integrity.

The real highlight of these predictions is that even if you are, say, a Sagittarian, you can check your fortunes under, say, Libra: It will be equally senseless.  Much like what we expect 2013 to be.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Among all the zodiac-born, you Capricorns are unique and thoughtful. We know. Because in astrology they have an important line: ‘Flattery works. Always.’ We also know another thing about you: You hate your doctor. Well, we told you that you are thoughtful. Anyone who has even a single thinking cell will have to end up detesting doctors, lawyers and cockroaches. Otherwise there’s no point in having a thinking cell at all.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) If your horoscope reads that you are set for a windfall, don’t get carried away. Consult a gastroenterologist. This is that kind of a year. A bit like having Ravindra Jadeja in your team. You know he can score runs, take wickets and all. But bloody hell, he is JADEJA. Sorry for shouting, but with Jadeja you can’t blame us for getting infuriated. On the domestic front, it will be cool. The housemaid will remember to sweep under the chairs and tables.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) You can read the tealeaves. You can ask the oracle. You can check with the tarot cards. You can consult the palm scriptures. No matter whom you believe, they will all say the same thing: this year’s winter has been the coldest. They say this every year. They will say this in 2079. As a Piscean, it’s your challenge to overlook this and get ready for the summer, which for the record, will be the hottest every coming year. Otherwise, a good year is in the offing for you, and your office security person will have the biggest salute for you as long as you take the basic precaution of being the boss of the company.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) Luck is totally on the Arians. You can strike two mangoes in one stone. You don’t have to believe our words, you can go out and check it out for yourself. Mate, drop that stone. The one you are taking aim at is the neighbour’s Christmas tree. Also, you get mangoes in trees only in summer. In Walmart-like stores, you may get it all around the year, though.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) The year will be a mixed one for Taureans, in that you will be fortunate enough to actually reach a human customer service person on the phone line. But your luck will run out there: That customer service personnel will be of no use. We don’t see that tribe becoming even remotely useful in any foreseeable future. Some Taurean will be asked to retire from playing Test cricket. But our understanding in astrology says that Taurean will not be reading this.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 21) Call us clairvoyant or prescient or prophetic, we have to say Geminis are nature-born geniuses. The twins-sign symbolises their double brain and their ability to be thinkers as well as doers.  We say this based on the commonsense reading of the fact that our boss is a Gemini.  We just pray that your boss is also a Gemini.

Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22) With a zodiac sign that shares its name with a dreaded disease, you must already be facing even more dreadful jokes. So we don’t want to rub it in here. But next time somebody makes any new joke of your zodiac sign, just let us know: We are in a mood to hear fresh ones. You will, however, continue to be blighted by spams and credit card offers, for which there is no real cure in this human world.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22) The Lion of the world, the pride of the jungle, you are a terror to those living with you. You call the shots always.  You have your way in any circumstance. You are in control of all situations. You lord over hapless creatures. Yet, you are very considerate enough to feed miserable individuals. You are: My wife. I don’t know about other Leos —- one itself looks too much for me.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) Virgo symbolises strength and power. In other words, you cannot be Manmohan Singh. But not for a minute are we suggesting that Manmohan Singh is in a position to check his fortunes under his own zodiac sign. Anyway, our prediction for you, the Virgo person, is: Life will be kind but not kind enough for you to find anything worthwhile to follow on TV.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 23) As a Libran, you are indecisive. You indecision now is whether to read this or not. But our prediction is you will continue to read because you like take to chances. But we advice you to not take much chances this year. By which we specifically mean, don’t watch Vishwaroopam first day, first show. Wait for the verdict. On the health front, you Librans will have nothing much to worry, as your doctor will be in robust shape and be available even at midnight for your emergencies.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 21) Scorpio is born sturdy and is ready for all terrain and all challenges. No, wait. This is the description of an SUV. We think we got the wrong cut and paste. Anyway it doesn’t matter whether it’s an SUV or a human being, the rules of life are the same: There is no escaping the bribes at the RTO. This is a good lesson to remember for years to come.  For 2013 though, your future is safe provided you don’t read dubious horoscope predictions.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) The superstar among the zodiac symbols. We say this not because Rajnikanth was born under it, we say this out of the first principles of astrology: Be kind to yourselves. Yes, we are a Sagittarian, which means to say we just had our birthday. Which means to say we just had a grand party. Which means we are broke. Which means to say: Can you lend a few grand for the New Year bash?

Which means, it’s also time to say Happy New Year to all of you.

(Disclaimer: This is a virtual reprise of a piece that I had written a couple of years ago. It has been rerun because nothing much has changed since then: All the 12 zodiac signs, unlike Pluto, have remained the same).