Your house doesn't belong to you

There are moments when you cannot but help marvel at the strange but beautiful magnificence of life. One such moment is certainly when you get up in the middle of the night to fetch a bottle of cold water or take a leak, and switch on the lamp. For, it will be the occasion when the ultimate truth of your life will be revealed to you: You are just a co-liver in the house and the place well and truly belongs to the cockroaches. Make no mistake about it, your entire life is set amidst colonies of cockroaches.

The historical truth is cockroaches are what inspired the British to set out and usurp other places. In an eternal tribute to that Brits have chosen to consistently cook their food in a manner that cockroaches alone can find it tasty.

Reader Alert: In case, if you haven’t seen any cockroach in your house, it is advisable that you immediately vacate it. For, it means that the Vaasthu expert had possibly removed from your house the toilets and the kitchen, the two locations that by universal UN-sanctioned law have been irrevocably ceded to cockroaches to flourish in millions and millions.
On an average every household is filled with roughly the number of cockroaches that it is quite conceivable that they have their own government, television networks and Barkha Dutt. Don’t ask me the difference between real-life Barkha and the one in the cockroach kingdom. I am not sure whether there is one.

Your place, in general, is teeming with cockroaches that amount to being the lifetime material for the Animal Planet crew. Though the kitchen and toilets are the favourite hangouts of cockroaches, they pretty much fill your entire universe in a manner that you cannot possibly have imagined. Just stop reading this and go and check the inner lining of the freezer: You can find a cockroach apartment complex coming up there. While you are at it, also look into the cassette slot of the audio deck, which is being developed as a comfy playpen for cockroach juniors. The cavernous, dark innards of your shoe are where the raunchy elements of cockroach society in their stylish best meet for secluded, naughty revelry.

Reader Alert: Don’t pass the last information to those newspapers that have special pages for party coverage, which is all about featuring named figures in bizarre outfits and ridiculous gestures posing around unnamed drinks. Cockroaches could be more soulful than anything that party pages have seen so far.

You may wonder what is the role of cockroaches in what the humans proudly call the food chain. Well, their job is to scurry over all the chain of food that humans lay out on the table. Come to think of it, cockroaches are the ones that help to maintain the delicate balance of the earth, which would otherwise be disturbed dramatically if the humans were to bulge in size by eating all the salads and curries that are now being thrown out because an army of cockroaches marched over it.
How do cockroaches completely take over your place when in reality it seemed as though you moved in when it was squeaky-clean? Where do these blighted household pests arrive from to startle you out of your wits in the dead of the night when you woke for that cool swig of water?

Reader Alert: Another Reader Alert ahead at the end of the next two paragraphs.

There are no easy answers to the above question as I am unable to think up anything suitably funny. But scientists agree that the slimy roaches are generally hand-in-glove with extra terrestrial beings. As a proof, the scientific community point (by holding its forefinger in the general direction of where cockroaches live, which is everywhere) to the fact that cockroaches thrive in zillions inside any glove left free for even a few seconds. If this does not prove that cockroaches are hand in glove then what does, the scientific community asks not unreasonably.
It is pertinent to point out here that there has been no great research done on cockroaches due to the elementary fact that the microscopes, test tubes and other implements that are used for scientific enquiry in all labs are completely lined by cockroach excreta and eggs.

Reader Alert: A Reader Alert has been shoved in here just because there was an announcement two paragraphs ago.

It is one of the biggest theories of modern science that cockroaches are the only creatures that are expected to survive even a nuclear holocaust. This is based on the irrefutable evidence that any nuke-powered attack will take out every man, who seem to be ordained to carry out the job of mangling the cockroaches to a squelchy, gooey pulp, while all women are programmed to act dramatically scared even if the nearest cockroach is a kilometre away.

The job of women, whenever they spot a cockroach (which is every night), is to squeal at their top of the voice as if there has been a nuclear attack, and then scuttle emergently into the bedroom to rattle the man of the house.  He, if he had any sense, should not ask ‘what’s the matter’. But usually he does as his thinking faculty is far less than a cockroach’s due to continued watching of cricket and songs and dances of Rakhi Sawant.

So the woman of the house in a voice, dripping with fear and anxiety that can be construed reasonable only if armed bandits are lying in wait, will tell him that a cockroach is loitering in the kitchen. The woman won’t let the man sleep unless the pesky insect is squashed to a pulpy heap of unmentionable slime. Women generally behave as if cockroaches are about to kidnap them with carnal motives

Reader alertReader alerts are like cockroaches. You see them at every turn, and there is no escaping them.

Sorry guys, I have let you go, not because my wife has spotted a cockroach in the kitchen. It is your wife who is screaming from your kitchen, and can’t you hear her cries? But be known, you are facing a losing battle —- both with the wife and, of course, the cockroach. Don’t think pesticides will work. Try using them here. You cannot displace them from here. So what makes you feel that you can remove them from your life?

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(This is a reprint of my weekly column in our publication)