Z Grade security to Vadra’s computer

The fine print from National Cyber Security Policy

New Delhi: The government has released a comprehensive National Cyber Security Policy, which so far has been read by a sum total of seven people, because policy documents, in general, contain large chunks of prose dense enough to block broad sunlight.

But just because the policy document is practically incomprehensible we cannot afford to be lackadaisical on the issue, for cyber security, in this age and time, is very crucial for every one of us as we virtually spend all our working hours in front of the computer, mostly acting busy, while in reality bitching about our colleagues and work on Twitter or Facebook.

The importance of this full-fledged cyber policy was rightly stressed by  Minister of Communications and IT Kapil Sibal, who, while releasing the document, said: ‘the cyber policy is necessary in the wake of possible attacks from State and non-State actors, corporates and terrorists and a few Ilayaraja fans as the Internet world has no geographical barriers and is anonymous in nature’.

In the event, we at Crank’s News sifted through the policy, which also carries some important dos and don’ts for every-day safe use of the internet, to bring to you in understandable human language some of its salient points.

A)    All vital and classified government network systems will be fortified and made impossible to hack into using the same technology as the one employed by the gents at IRCTC who have established a wonderful track record in successfully keeping at bay millions and millions of people trying to access their site everyday.

B)     Still, with a view to warding off cyber attacks from forces inimical to the State, ‘Z’ Grade anti-virus security will be extended to all important computers and tablet devices owned by Robert Vadra. Not wanting anything to chance, physical ‘Z’ Grade security will be provided to Vadra’s computers, too.

C)    The government has put in place all safeguards to secure the networks of banks and financial institutions and the general public can now safely negotiate with that Ugandan banker or Kenyan industrialist. For the record, the several crores of rupees that were being transported on trucks in Mumbai a few days back have been established to be the cash that a Nigerian prince was transferring to an individual who had the smarts to respond to his email.

D)    The government retains the right to access a person’s digital privacy. The government will exercise this right only at times of national emergency and not on a daily basis, which right, of course, lies solely with, and exercised by, Google.

E)     The government wishes to create a workforce of 5,00,000 professionals skilled in cyber security in the next five years. It will be very extremely happy if at least 10 of those 5,00,000 turn out to be actually employable.

F)     With regards to daily usage of internet, access to Youtube videos will be made a Fundamental Right. Sonia Gandhi will personally, in her own handwriting, change the Constitution for this explicit purpose.

G)    A nodal portal cricket.nic.gov.in will be created and Cricinfo will have to provide all its ball-by-ball coverage and match reports minus the advertisements to the portal for the sake of ‘national interest’.  Renaming Statsguru as ‘Jawahar And Rajiv But Not Feroz Number Cruncher Yogna’ is under consideration of the government. (In case there is a regime change in between, Statsguru may also be suitably named as: Shyama Prasad Mukherjee Sankhya Sarvojan).

H)    Usage of Internet Explorer any more will be considered a non-bailable offence.

H-1)  And those continuing to make jokes on Internet Explorer usage are liable to be tried under NSA.

I)    A flat two-year rigorous imprisonment without any trial will be handed to anyone still forwarding emails with contents like ‘Inside look of Sultan of Brunei’s palace’ and the ‘list of Indian politicians with accounts in Swiss banks’.

J)    Any one found using the words ‘at the rate of’ while vocalizing ‘@ ‘ will have to officially get treated for Alzheimer’s.

K)    On the social media front, anyone whose Twitter DP is .gif-based will straightaway have his computer and other electronic devices confiscated.

In the end, the government’s endeavour is not only to establish the safety and security of computers and vital personal information but also to ensure that internet remains the tool for the purpose that it has actually served all these years: Providing easy access to pornography.

(Disclaimer: <Insert your Modi, his fans and internet joke here>)