Crank’s News: After CCL’s success, BCCI to make movies

Rajiv Shukla to reprise Shakthi Kapoor

Mumbai/Chennai: Perhaps stung by the recent success of the CCL (Celebrity Cricket League), the BCCI has decided to hit back at the film industry in the most interesting manner possible.

If the film stars have shown that they can be quite good at cricket and organise a tournament out of it, the BCCI, for it part, is likely to establish its credentials by getting into film production.

‘Yes, we will not only make movies but will also turn our cricket heroes and administrators into full-fledged film stars,’ confirmed a highly placed source in the BCCI of the new development. ‘After all, when you come down to it, modern-day cricket is not very different from today’s movies. In that, both owe their existence to satellite television’, the source explained most rationally.

The BCCI source also said that there was nothing unique in the CCL and it has simply aped the established formula of the IPL, which is: ‘When a four or six is hit, the most cricketing thing to do during the telecasts is to focus the camera unerringly on a Bollywood beauty jumping up and down in the stands.’

Asserting that it was not threatened by the CCL’s phenomenal success over the last two years, the BCCI source said ‘if we were really upset with the CCL, you know we would have dealt it very professionally, the way that we did the ICL.’

Stating that the idea to make movies by the BCCI is only a logical brand extension, the source reasoned: ‘If the CCL with no real cricketers can throw up a successful cricket tournament, then we the organisers of the IPL, which actually sees more actors and actresses than cricketers, can be counted to make successful movies’.

The BCCI feels that it already has the people who straightaway match the talent of those in the film industry.

‘Let’s talk specifics here,’ began the source. ‘Take someone like Simbu. What are his qualities? He can dance a bit. But, by and large, his principal avocation seems to be irritating others, especially those from his own industry. I mean, this is what Sreesanth has also been specializing in for the last five years or so. Also, Salman Khan’s chief histrionic skill is pulling off his shirt. But remember, this was a routine that was first started by that man born for drama, Sourav Ganguly’.

Then you have the comedian from the South, Vivekh. He is loud and ludicrous, repeating the same stuff over and over, which any way nobody understands. ‘Somebody like Krish Srikkanth is an absolute natural in this,’ the source pointed out.

‘When you see Akshay Kumar, many of you are compelled to ask the question: How the heck he got picked to play this part? Well, it is the same query that people raise upon sighting Ravindra Jadeja’

‘A bumbling buffoon as well as a slimy baddie, the kind of roles that Shakthi Kapoor was famous for, you cannot think of a better replacement than Rajiv Shukla for that’.

‘To state the obvious as the Nattamai, you have Ravi Shastri. And the Vadivelu part, getting pulverized by all and sundry, naturally will go to Ajit Agarkar’

‘If you want any more similarity between cricket and cinema,’ the source said, ‘you need not look beyond Rajnikanth and Sachin Tendulkar, the unquestioned superstars of the two arenas. These days, the legion of fans of both the stars uncannily share the same sentiment, which is: It is high time he retires.’

But where will the BCCI go for the heroines? The unfazed BCCI source snapped back: ‘what a moron you are? Don’t you know these days Bollywood heroines are actually common property between film and cricket stars?’

The source added: ‘Our vision for the future is quite simple: The BCCI should also become the BCCI. To be precise, the Board of Control for Cricket in India must also be the Board of Control for Cinema in India’.

And look at the brighter side of the BCCI getting into movies. ‘We may not win the Oscars. But we can ensure that Tendulkar gets to his 100th hundred at least on celluloid’

(Disclaimer: N Srinivasan’s son-in-law belongs to the AVM family. But we are not alleging any conflict of interest here)