Crank’s News: ICC to refer umpiring decisions to the UN

Kalmadi says Mohali Test was part of CWG

New Delhi: Faced with mounting criticism over controversial umpiring decisions on the field of play, the ICC today made the most sensible move to refer such rulings to the United Nations.

The new rule will come into force from the forthcoming Ashes series itself, and controversial decisions, which mean to say all decisions handed down by Billy Bowden, will be immediately taken to the United Nations.

‘This is the most ideal solution, especially if we are to save the future of  cricket, not to speak that of the UN,’ an ICC spokesperson said. The ICC clarified that referring the decisions to the UN will not slow down the game any more than when Steve Bucknor was adjudicating in the middle. Anyway, the UN will not give any decisions. It will merely deliberate on the matters while the game itself can proceed unhindered.

The spokesperson said the ICC was merely following the international norms set in matters of extreme seriousness. ‘Once an issue is taken to the UN, the rest of the humanity can forget it and get on with its regular work. The Israel-Palestinian imbroglio is a good example. The UN has been successfully solving the problem for several decades now even while those really connected with the problem have moved on to other things in life,’ the ICC spokesperson pointed out.

The ICC said the beauty of the new rule is that it would empower the spectators as they would be the ones who have to take the decision of whether the matter has to be referred to the UN or not. According to the new guidelines, if the spectators feel the decision arrived at by the umpires to be unsatisfactory, then they can immediately, in the general direction of where the UN headquarters is located, make finger-signals.  ‘A team of top UN officials will then closely monitor the developments and, continue to do so. Well, that is what they do always, nah,’ the ICC said.

The ICC has been forced to take the matters to the UN in the light of the fact that the third umpire concept hasn’t really worked since it’s widely suspected that the third umpires are tuned into channels that aren’t showing cricket.

But you can’t blame them, especially since if a player like Marcus North is batting, the most normal human reaction would be to actually switch the damn TV off and go to sleep. That is what Sanjay Hazare, the third umpire in the recently concluded Mohali Test, surely was doing because there was no way a fully awake person could have ruled M S Dhoni out caught by Shane Watson based on the evidence of television footage available.  Apart from slow motion replays, the ICC also tried super slow motion umpires like Rudi Kuertzen.

The Umpire Decision Review System (UDRS) also did not go down well with the umpires, especially since they felt the new technology at their hands was inconclusive and inadequate. One typical case in point was the instance of an umpire trying to use the chunky walkie-talkie (which the umpires carry to the field) but failing miserably because of the fact that the host cricket board had no funds to even pay the telecom company to activate the walkie-talkie. The cricket board in question was later revealed to be the PCB, which has been since taken over by its country’s President, who himself was later removed by the military, which is now operated by the Taliban under the aegis of Al-qaeda.

In Pakistan itself, the ICC attempted to end all controversies by the revolutionary method of refusing to rule any home batsman out LBW. ‘We realised that the LBW rulings were the most contentious ones. So, as a test attempt, we eschewed giving the home batsmen out LBW. But for reasons we can’t fathom, the whole thing only seemed to add more controversies,’ the ICC spokesperson recalled the situation of the early 80s in Pakistan.

Again in the 80s, in a bid to avoid confusions regarding the various rules that govern cricket, the ICC went to the extent of appointing umpires who had no clue as to what the rules were. As a pilot project, these umpires were operational in New Zealand in the 80s. ‘We pulled this off because New Zealand was a country of sheep, and we could pick umpires from that stock. But with other countries it was difficult.’

Meanwhile, in a related development to the ongoing India-Australia Test match series, Suresh Kalmadi has announced that the cricket Test match series between the two countries will be considered to be under the ambit of the Commonwealth Games. ‘Both the countries are Commonwealth Nations and the Test matches and the Games are on simultaneously. So we have to take the cricket series to be part of the Games,’ he reasoned.

Kalmadi also announced that on account of winning the Mohali Test India would be awarded a Gold medal. ‘Since Australia has lost the match, they aren’t eligible for any medal’, he added.

Since this decision was taken away from the field of play, the spectators have decided to not take it to the UN.

(Disclaimer: Ok, it’s spoof. But the references with regard to the PCB may not be).