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Fathers, dei!

As a parent everyone seems to be wondering which is the right way to bring up the child.  As far as I can tell, the one infallible rule of parenting is, you may want to note this down: Whatever rule you are following as a parent with your son or daughter is wrong.

Yes, as a parent you can never be right. So don’t even bother trying. At least, I don’t.

Whatever she is up to, I just grumble and act irritable with my daughter and she reciprocates suitably, and there is a healthy atmosphere of consistent conflict and resentment and disappointment in our household. If there is a rare air of bonhomie and camaraderie, you can be sure of one thing: One of us is not around. Or: There is a visitor in our midst. Yes, you are right, modern families are good at putting up a show.

Most of us new-age parents are, in general, understanding and accommodating, in that we allow our wards to have their own dreams and desires as long as they are responsible enough to actually follow our desires and dreams. I think this is not an unreasonable expectation.

Today we will look at what parents go through in bringing up their children till the time they themselves grow up to become a parent.

(Just a note of explanation on what is to follow: Not all parents are similar. Some are men. Some others are women. But I can’t possibly put myself in the shoes of a woman, lest I be accused of being a borderline transvestite, so I’ll confine my observations from the perspective of a dad).

Pre-teens

The role of a dad in child-creation is not dissimilar to that of the President in our country: Needed at the time of swearing-in only. Otherwise he is a useless bystander. But after childbirth, the father usually compensates, by becoming a helpless bystander.

Dads generally pass time by lifting the child in their arms and gurgling incomprehensible words that come to their mouth at that moment (usually stringing endless vowels like in jooojooo, jijilibooo, kujimoochi), thereby warmly conveying to the child the first real truth, which it will hold dear for rest of its life: The dad is a moron.

Most dads also like to scrawl the name of the child on the back glass of their car. This is an important emotional statement that a father makes:  He has as much control over his wards as he has on what happens on the rear-side of the vehicle.

A child in the first few years of living is equipped to do only two things: Poop and cry. Dads deem this as a bundle of joy simply because when the child grows up, dads have to handle, here I will use a classy euphemism, far worse shit.

Teens

Modern scientific research has confirmed that the beauty of hormonal development in a teen is just as it makes the members of the opposite sex hugely attractive, it also usually establishes the parents to be objects of total avoidance.

Most teenage children complain that fathers are not readily trusting. But what the children fail to understand is that the dad had passed through his teenage doing all the hideous things in life mainly because his own parents were actually trusting. The discerning dad will not commit the stupidity of his parents.

Luckily for teenaged persons, in this modern world, there are studies and scholastic choices. This gives them a chance to hate something else other than just the parents.

Let us put in a flowchart the simple expectation of a dad from his ward: Get up early ->Exercise ->Read newspaper (overlooking the beauties and hulks that dominate the pages) ->Revise lessons ->Clean up the house ->Get ready to school without any commotion or incident ->Attend classes attentively ->Come back, eat healthy food (that is, totally avoid anything that is tasty) -> Forget such a thing as TV, study, use computer and internet only for studies, eat, sleep -> Next Morning rinse and repeat.

These days, even monasteries don’t follow such a cruel regimen. But who said dads are realistic.

Now, let us see in even more minute detail what a teenaged person expects from his dad: VANISH. If he didn’t hear that: BUGGER OFF.

As far as I can figure out, in the ideal world of young sons and daughters, there are no parents; there is room enough for just: A steady supply of pizzas and Facebook operations.

Post Teens

Once the children reach the stage of going to college, the dad eases his hold. One, he understands that he was never in control. Two, he has credit card bills and loans, which in general make a tantrum-throwing son or daughter much less threatening.

But since my daughter has some more years to emerge out of her teens, I’ll stop here and wait till then to update this particular paragraph.

But overall, as a father you can deem yourself a success if your son or daughter remembers to greet you this Sunday on Father’s Day. And if that greeting is not: dei, father!


  • Most of us new-age parents are, in general, understanding and accommodating, in that we allow our wards to have their own dreams and desires as long as they are responsible enough to actually follow our desires and dreams.” 
    “He has as much control over his wards as he has on what happens on the rear-side of the vehicle.”hehehe! Epic lines! Funny as usual!

  • kbalakumar

    Thank you 🙂

  • Anantha Subramanian

    Actually, dei thagappa is a better greeting 😉 Happy Fathers day, saar!

  • kbalakumar

    Thank you. Actually, that was precisely the inspiration, and hence this literal translation to Dei, father. 🙂 Gounderism Vazhga.

  • Archana

    ROFL!!! Hilarious and so accurate!!!
    “Most dads also like to scrawl the name of the child on the back glass of their car. This is an important emotional statement that a father makes: He has as much control over his wards as he has on what happens on the rear-side of the vehicle.”
    Whattay observation – words fail me!!

  • kbalakumar

    Thank you. I have done what I have mentioned 🙂

  • Heh, you said your daughter isn’t a teen yet right? ha! just u wait. That’s a whole different world u enter. This cartoon is lucked straight out of any teenager’s home: 
    http://www.arcamax.com/thefunnies/zits/

    Happy Father’s day! 🙂 

  • kbalakumar

    Thank you 🙂 But you are also scaring me 🙂 BTW, the cartoon was lovely.

  • Arvindmurugesan

    great one Balakumar, but is this an old article written by you, re-published? I seem to have read it before. .also, the android app for your website does not work.. .it says, `Error’…

    I love your articles 🙂

  • kbalakumar

    A similar one was written many years ago. Good memory 🙂 Will check on the Android thing. I have problem accessing the back-end site. Will try to sort it out.

  • nivi


    I just grumble and act irritable with my daughter and she reciprocates suitably, and there is a healthy atmosphere of consistent conflict and resentment and disappointment in our household. ” That was hilarious!

  • K Balakumar

    Thanks 🙂

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