Plumbing into the Ayodhya works

The beauty of the High Court verdict on the Ayodhya imbroglio is that it is impartial and balanced enough to ensure that each of the interested parties is equally unhappy. Only the Supreme Court has the room to feel unequally unhappy.

For, the task before the Supreme Court is to not only read the heavy history tomes that are part of the case files but also peruse, which I believe is the mandatory word when you are referring to legal issues, the over 8000 pages of densely-worded High Court verdict.

So the most likely verdict that the Supreme Court will deliver is —- remember you read it here first —- to demolish the Allahabad High Court in the first place.

But that will have to wait. For, on an average, a court takes five years to dispose of simple cases, the ones where the case files run into just 800 odd pages. By this simple formula, we can deduce that the Ayodhya case will have to run around, let me calculate that, 8000 pages plus the several hundred history books in which each sentence runs into 8000 pages, ok, you get the picture: By the time they come to some kind of resolution, the Supreme Court building itself would be more antiquated than the Ayodhya structure.

No, there is no confusion here. Modern buildings actually become old faster than historical structures because new constructions incorporate plumbing systems, which when the eventual history of the entire world is written, will be seen as having been more disastrous and hazardous than global warming, airline food and Suresh Kalmadi put together.

The problems arising out of plumbing and parking issues can ensure that the disputes in modern apartment complexes are more nasty and diabolic than anything that the Ayodhya imbroglio has seen so far.

Now that the court is tackling the smaller issue of Ayodhya we can devote our time to the bigger problem of plumbing.


The ancient man carried out his life on river banks, which was practical and convenient primarily from the fact that the rainy season flooding also carried the possibility of washing away his in-laws, and if he were lucky, his spouse, too.

But then one day, when they were chatting and discussing who will become what in future, those who had a tendency to involve in pointless acts said they will take up active politics, a similar set decided it will pursue software programming. The totally useless and unemployable group opted for journalism and the one person among them who kept speaking non-stop without allowing others to even breathe ended up as Arnab Goswami. The greedy lot chose medicine and the greedier dentistry and the greediest my personal physician. And even as these discussions were on, a team that said that it will join the talks shortly, failed to show up at all. That group, needless to say, was that of the plumbers, who till date maintain that tradition of not arriving at all anywhere.

Not many will be surprised to learn that the Taj Mahal was actually conceived as a dream house for Mumtaz. But since the plumber didn’t show up for 14 long years, they gave up hope and decided to convert the entire structure to a tomb with no bathroom fixtures.

In our present-day life, at our apartment complex, we are supposed to have two in-house plumbers, whose chief job, as far as I can figure out, is to not remain in the premises for 23.9 hours out of the 24 hours in a day. Every time we look out for him, we are informed: ‘Off to buy a valve’.

By definition, a plumber is an invisible individual always out to buy a valve. And by further definition, the main function of a valve at any given any point is to malfunction.

In the world of plumbing, the one thing more annoying than plumbers is the valves. Valves, technically speaking, are the handy appliances designed to control the flow of liquid in any given pipeline. But practically speaking, they help to produce abnormal leaks in an otherwise normal pipeline.

Valves, in general, are like diapers for an infant.  Yes, you need to change them every other day. Valves are no ordinary lifeless metallic thingy; they are remarkably intuitive enough to go wrong on days that can cause maximum damage to you and your belongings. As a rule, valves sprout big leaks in your bathroom when you and your family are out on a longish trip to a seaside resort, so that when you return you get to experience the same oceanic feel in your own place. Valves are also prone to human disposition, in that they stop working on festival days or weekend holidays.

It is a fair guess to make that the Biblical deluge was more a result of a faulty valve than any planned ploy by God. Yes, in the face of valves and plumbing even God can be reduced to be a Kalmadi.

Anyway, between the Ayodhya verdict in the Supreme Court and the plumber, I am ready to wait for the latter. At least, he has a theoretical chance of showing up in my lifetime.